Reading the Bible

My Grandmother Golightly read through the Bible each  year. I remember when we visited she always took the time to read, no matter what else was going on. She knew how important it was.

When I was 12 years old I rededicated my life to the Lord at Summer camp, and at 13 I told the Lord that I would read through the whole Bible by the time I was 18. I didn't quite finish by my 18th birthday, but I did finish reading through the whole Bible about a week after my 18th birthday. And let me tell you, I am NOT a great reader! I do enjoy reading, but it is a challenge for me, and was even more so as a teenager. I have read through the whole Bible a couple of times since then, and have always made it my goal to read at least a little of it every day, but I have not made it a practice to read through the whole Bible each year.

2 years ago I was doing a 1 year through the Bible reading plan. I was doing well and had kept up with it all the way until February 7th. That day Silas was admitted to the hospital for a biopsy and a few days later, his first dose of chemo therapy followed by a blood transfusion. I kept up with my Bible reading the first few days of the 10 day hospital stay but then I got off track. I continued to read my Bible most days but did not keep up with the 1 year through the Bible plan. This past year I read often but not every day. The past few months my goal has been 2 chapters a day.

This coming year I am going to give this plan a shot. I really like that it has a make-up day! https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/71-come-drink-live-365

God's Word, the Bible, is so very important, it is where we read the Words of God to us. Even if you don't have a particular plan, I would encourage you to read the Bible daily! Invite the Holy Spirit to open your eyes and speak to you through God's Word, it will change your life!

Don't have a Bible? There are many websites and apps for Bible reading! http://www.biblegateway.com/

If you want a paper Bible there are many churches out there that would be happy to give you one for free! Check with a church near you!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! We stopped by the hospital in Savannah to drop of some boxes of chocolates for the nurses and staff. Archie took them in and I took the boys across to the Ronald McDonald house to take this photo in front of the giant Christmas tree.

We really missed Silas today. It has been 7 months exactly since he went home to Heaven.

May the Lord bless you!
Archie and Jessica
Michael, Gideon, Jason, and Silas (living eternally in Heaven)

I want to be like Jesus

Have you ever met one of those people that just "oozes" Jesus? You know, they are almost always smiling and His praise is always on their lips. When you are around them you just feel His presence and His love gushing out of them.

I want to be like that!

I have been so blessed to have met a handful of those people in my life. Sadly, there aren't as many of them as there probably should be. All of us that love the Lord should be so full of Him that it shows. People should be able to tell we have something different just by being around us.

I want to be like Jesus. I want to smile and "ooze" His love. I want His praise to always be on my lips.

What does it take to attain this? Do I have to give a certain amount? Do I have to spend a certain number of hours in church? Do I have to spend a certain number of hours in prayer or reading my Bible?

I don't think there is a formula to follow. No check list to tick off. To be like Jesus, I must simply be with Him! By "be with Him" I mean, spend time with Him. Acknowledge that He is with me all the time, everywhere. Talk to Him everywhere, all the time, about everything. Take time to hear from Him through His Word, the Bible. Listen to sermons and worship music. Spend time with others who love Him also. When we do these things, it happens, we become more like Him. We can't help it! It just happens.

That is what I need more of, more time with Jesus. The more I am with Him, the more I love Him, and the more I love Him, the more I want to be with Him!

Christmas is different this year

I usually enter the Christmas season with mixed feelings. Excitement for the activities, Christmas parties, parades, plays and of course baking! Then there are the things I don't really like about the season. Weight gain, busyness, colds, crowded stores, and so much focus on "stuff".

This year is different, like none I have ever lived through. This year, I am grieving the death of my youngest son. Christmas day will mark exactly 7 months since he took his last breath.

I must confess, I'm not really looking forward to any of it. I don't really feel like baking, though I've made myself do a little for the sake of my other three boys. I'm not planning to attend any parties, I don't really feel up to it. We did go to the parade and to the children's play at church, again, mostly for the sake of the boys. Still, I find myself wishing it was January already.

Archie and I both have the same thought when asked "what do you want for Christmas?". Unfortunately, we both want what we can't have, Silas. Interestingly, the boys have not told us anything that they want for Christmas, usually they have lists. They haven't asked for anything this year. (except Jason, who has started asking for a treadmill now).

My goal has been just to get through the holidays, Thanksgiving - check, Hanukkah - check, Christmas, New Year.... I just have to get through them. I haven't been trying to enjoy them or make the most of them, I have been just trying to make it through.

Is that enough though? Is that OK? I am grieving the loss of my 5 year old little boy, should anything else be expected of me? Maybe not, but there is something more I want out of this season. I don't mean just this holiday season, I mean this season of grief.

I want to be closer to the Father. I want more Jesus. I want more Holy Spirit in me. I have accepted His gift of Salvation which brings me to peace with Him, now I must rest in that peace. I must spend time with Him, in His Word, praising Him with my voice and with all that I am. That is what I want above all else, to be close to God.

Back to school

Last week we only did school work on Monday and Tuesday and then took the rest of the week off for Thanksgiving. I was originally going to do 3 weeks of school between Thanksgiving and Christmas but after talking with Archie, we decided we'd rather have a longer break for Christmas. We'll do school work this week and next week and then take the next 3 weeks off and start up again in January.

It was kind of hard getting back into the routine this week after taking 3 days off last week but we are still getting things done.

A couple of days ago I went through all of the DVDs we have and found some Drive thru History DVDs that I bought last year and we never watched! I know because they were still in plastic! As soon as everyone is done with math I want to sit down and watch one of those with the boys. I love Drive thru History :)

No Fear

When I look at the world around me, I am afraid. There is so much evil going on. Things that used to be shunned as evil by society, are now accepted as good. Things that used to be completely unacceptable by society, are now not only accepted but praised.

It makes me wonder, things that are still unacceptable may perhaps become acceptable in time and there will be even more corruption in our society.

Society now accepts so much that was once acknowledged as evil and if you stand up and say "this is wrong!" then you are the one who is looked down on for being "intolerant".

I do not hate people who choose to do wrong things. And by "wrong things" I mean sin. Things that God tells people not to do in the Bible. I believe the Bible is God's Word, every Word of it is true, and though I do not live by it as I always ought to, that is my goal. Its not a very popular belief anymore, even among "Christians".

I try not to hold those who do not believe up to the standards of the Bible. Those who do not believe are in a state of sin and death and cannot be expected to live by the Words of Life. If you are not saved I am not going to bash you for doing something that the Bible says is wrong, but I am going to love you and tell you about your lost condition and how you can be saved. Being saved comes first, you don't get your life straightened out and then accept Christ, its the other way around! You accept Jesus as your Savior, give your life to Him, and then allow Him to work in your life to make you pure and holy.

It crushes me when I read about people being persecuted by "christians" because of their sin. This ought not to be so. It's wrong. As believers we are to LOVE others and share the gospel with them. Not beat them up for not believing! I mean really, how ridiculous is that?? "You are doing something against the Bible so I am going to beat you up until you believe in it". Come on people!!! This is madness!

Are you a believer? A Christian? Do you love the Lord? Who of you who believe got saved because someone beat the sin out of you? I got saved because I realized my lost state, that I could not save myself, and that I needed Jesus to save me.

All of this does not mean I will stand by and be "tolerant" of everyone living wickedly. If you are saved, and I see you doing wrong, I will say something because I do not want to see you suffer the consequences of sin. I want to see you in a right relationship with our Father. I hope that you will do the same for me. If you see me in sin, say something to me in love! We should encourage one another to live by the Word of God. There is great joy in this.

Back to what I was saying about being afraid. I look around, I see all of this wickedness and my first response is to be afraid. Afraid of being persecuted for me beliefs, afraid of the influence of culture on my sons, afraid what evil might find its way into our family life. But this fear is just my flesh, and my flesh is weak. When this fear starts creeping into my heart is when I have to turn my eyes to the Lord, to look to His perfect Word, for there, I read that in the end, He wins!

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1 John 4:18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

John 16:33

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

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He has overcome! He wins! He will put everything right in the end. If I can only remember that when fear starts to creep in. 

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Psalm 56:3-11

Whenever I am afraid,
I will trust in You.
In God (I will praise His word),
In God I have put my trust;
I will not fear.
What can flesh do to me?

 All day they twist my words;
All their thoughts are against me for evil.
 They gather together,
They hide, they mark my steps,
When they lie in wait for my life.
 Shall they escape by iniquity?
In anger cast down the peoples, O God!

 You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
 When I cry out to You,
Then my enemies will turn back;
This I know, because God is for me.
 In God (I will praise His word),
In the Lord (I will praise His word),
 In God I have put my trust;
I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy

My boys are getting so big! I noticed on Sunday that Michael was looking taller so, as I do whenever I notice one of them getting taller, I pushed him up against the wall by the front door and made a pencil mark at the top of his head. Sure enough, he had grown an inch and a quarter since I measured him in July! He is now 5' 7 1/4" tall. That's 3/4 of an inch taller the me. He won't be 13 for 2 more weeks!

Since I measured him I decided to measure the other two as well. Gideon is 10 years 9 months old and is 5' 3 3/8". That is 3 inches taller than Michael was at the same age! I have always thought he would be bigger and taller than Michael. At every milestone he has been ahead of Michael in size.

Jason is my more average sized child. Silas was my small one. Jason is now 4' 3 3/8" tall. Only a little taller than average. I think he will be a tall adult though. I think I expect them all to be 6" or so.

I used one of those online height predictors once a long time ago, it said Michael would be 6' 1", Gideon would be 6' 4", Jason and Silas would both be 6". Only time will tell!

I sometimes wonder what Silas will look like when I see him in Heaven. Of course I don't know how much time will pass between now and the time we meet again. But then if Heaven is outside of time....will he still be a little boy, will he be older, an adult? What color will his hair be? It was black when he was born and got lighter as he gold older, and then very blonde after chemo.

Archie, Michael, Gideon, and I are all over weight. For the past few weeks I have been walking (or trying to walk) 1-2 miles every day with the boys. I really want them to have a life long habit of being active out doors. We are slowly working on eating healthier again, we used to eat pretty healthy and were a lot less over weight before Silas got sick. Our world was really shaken and it will take time to get things back in order, but we will keep pressing forward!

Only one life

“Two little lines I heard one day,
Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart,
And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet,
And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice,
Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave,
And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years,
Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill,
living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore,
When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way,
Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep,
In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife,
Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn,
And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone,
Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call,
I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

— extra stanza —

Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
And when I am dying, how happy I’ll be,
If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.”

C.T Studd

I have been thinking of this poem a lot lately. Pastor Chuck Smith passed away earlier this month as I have mentioned before. This poem had a great impact on his life. I have heard it before, but only part of it "Only one life, 'twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last". After being reminded of it when watching Pastor Chuck's memorial service, I decided to look up the poem and I read the whole thing this time. 

What an encouragement! What a challenge! Only one life. That is all we are given, and even then we are not guaranteed a full life, and none of us can say how many years we will have. 

I want so much for this to describe my life, that I spent it all for my Savior! That everything I did was for Him. I cannot say that every moment of my life was for Him, I have lived too many moments for myself. 

Listening to Adventures in Odyssey this morning I heard Mr. Whittikar say "There are two warring sides inside of you. The flesh and the spirit. The side that will be strongest is the side you feed the most". This really got me. Which part of myself am I feeding the most? Do I give in to what *I* want, rather than feeding my spirit with the Word of God? Do I seek to satisfy my own flesh? Or do I seek to live rightly before the Lord and seek His Kingdom, and His righteousness? 

To be honest, I do both, which only makes things more difficult. I strive to nourish my spirit with the Word of God daily along with praise and worship and fellowship with other believers. Then I go and feed my flesh with meaningless, selfish things. How long, O Lord? My desire is for You! 

The longer I live, (though I am not old), the more I realized how selfish and sinful I am. The more I long for the day when I will be face to face with my Lord and sin will be no more.  

Sin will be no more, what a wonderful thing to look forward to!

I am here now, on this Earth. The Lord has allowed me to continue on this journey here for now. My true desire is that while I am here, all that I am be poured out for Him. That I would turn away from the world and towards Him. There are many things to be regretted in this life, but one will never regret giving all to the glory of God. And in the end, how happy I will be, 

"If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee."

Clothes

Michael and Gideon have both always been big for their ages. Michael was 11 lbs 4 oz at birth and Gideon was 9 lbs 12 oz. Neither of them EVER wore newborn sized clothes!! By the age of 1 they were wearing 3T clothes. Now they are both wearing adult Medium t-shirts and 34/30 pants!

Jason and Silas are my small ones. At 4 1/2 Silas was finally into 4T's. At 8 Jason is wearing 7's and 8's. They both gained almost nothing between the ages of 2 and 3 and stayed in the same size clothes for nearly 2 years! Before and after that they pretty much wore the size that corresponded with their age.

I have always tried to save clothes that have been outgrown to pass down to little brothers. Right now I have a closet full of clothes that don't fit anyone right now. However, since Silas is not here to pass down to, and Jason is growing at a much different rate than his older brothers, I am not sure it makes good sense to save some of the things in that closet anymore. I need to go through it and figure out what I really want to save, and what would be better passed on to someone else outside our family.

Of course, I do save some special things. I have a few pieces of baby clothes that I am saving, perhaps for grandbabies one day? A few special t-shirts that have memories associated with them. I don't want to hoard too much though.

Sometimes the boys complain of having too many clothes in their drawers, saying they don't all fit. It is usually because either they have a bunch of clothes in their drawers that don't fit anymore and they haven't been pulled out, or because they have not folded their clothes neatly and tried to jam them all into the drawers wadded up in balls. Its more often the latter. I fold their clothes for them still, most of the time. I do make them help and I do make them put away their own clothes.

I told Michael I might make him start washing his own laundry. He was complaining the other day about not having any clean clothes, but I had just done ALL of the laundry! Or so I thought. Apparently he hadn't brought his dirty laundry out of his room to be washed, therefore, it didn't get washed. He's nearly 13, seems a good age to start washing his own laundry doesn't it?

What we do and don't celebrate in October

There is a lot of controversy in the "Christian" community about whether or not its OK to celebrate Halloween or anything surrounding it. I'm not really going to go into that here though, I'm just going to tell you my perspective and what we do.

We don't celebrate Halloween. We don't decorate with witches or goblins or ghosts. We don't let our children go door to door trick or treating. We don't allow our children to dress in scary costumes. The Bible is clear about staying away from evil, witchcraft is evil, ghosts are evil spirits/demons, trick or treat implies "if you don't give us a treat we will play a trick on you".

We do enjoy celebrating fall, the change of the season, pumpkins, fall colors, harvest, dressing up in fun costumes, hay rides, and fall festivals. We usually attend at least 2 or 3 fall festivals during the month of October and we have a lot of fun! I don't consider theses festivals "Halloween alternatives" but rather festivals celebrating fall and I don't have a problem with that.

So there you have it. That's what we do.

Silas and I riding the hay ride at the downtown festival last year.

Christmas - looking back and looking forward

Though neither of us would ever admit it at the time, I believe Archie and I both knew that Christmas last year would be Silas' last Christmas on this Earth. We said "what if it is?" but never, "I think this will be".

It was the biggest year for gifts that our family has ever seen! One of Silas' nurses shared his story on a Savannah radio station and they asked people to send gifts for our family. We did not know about it until right before it happened. They invited us to come have lunch in Savannah one day with other families that had been featured on the radio and we received a TON of gifts and gift cards for our family, particularly for Silas. On top of that we had several other groups come together and bring Christmas gifts for the boys! We never asked for any of it, and I tried to tell people we had plenty, but the gifts kept coming. We donated some of them to the children's hospital in Savannah, we mailed some off for other children fighting cancer, and the boys enjoyed many of them themselves.

It felt awkward being on the receiving end of such generosity. We tried to be gracious and thankful. We tried to be generous with others as well.

We wrestled with feeling that so much excess would cloud the true meaning of Christmas. (Though we certainly acknowledged Jesus and His birth). We wrestled with feeling that there were so many other people out there in need and here we were being given more than we needed!

Looking back, remembering how excited the boys were to receive the gifts they were given, and how excited they were to send gifts to other kids. The thoughts that comfort me are 1. How blessed those people who gave were for their generosity and 2. Michael, Gideon, and Jason will always look back and say "Our last Christmas with Silas was the best one ever".

Looking forward to this Christmas. As every year, I hope that we can help our boys see past all of the gifts and decorations, and see Jesus. That they will see the gift that God gave us in sending His one and only Son. That they can see the love that God showed us in giving us life and salvation. That they will see that the blessing we receive by giving to others is far greater than the blessing of receiving gifts ourselves. I am hoping that we will have many opportunities to give this year. Though we do not have as much as some, we have more than others and I pray the Lord will show us how and where to give.

Camp Sunshine

I posted about our weekend at Camp Sunshine on Silas' Caring Bridge page, you can read it here .

On this blog post however, I want to share something I realized at Camp Sunshine. I realized that we really really need a routine!! We have sort of had one for the last few weeks since we have started our new school year, but it has not been clearly defined. This weekend we had a scheduled that we followed, meals at certain times, activities at certain times, sleep at certain times. I realized we need this at home too, and it needs to be clearly defined.

Last night I asked Archie to move my large white board to the hall way where it can be used more efficiently. A long time ago I made magnets with the boys names on them and magnets with chores on them. So last night I arranged the boys names and put the chores they needed to do today under each name. After they have completed a chore, they can move the magnet out from under their name to under the "Completed chores" magnet.

I also made a morning routine for us and wrote it out on the board. We need to have the whole day scheduled but for this week, we will just focus on the mornings.

8:30 (or earlier if you wake up earlier) Get dressed, eat breakfast, start chores
9:30 Start school (today we are doing P.E., Handwriting, Math, Reading, and Bible memorization)
12:30 Lunch

Of course we will do more than this today, but I am just focusing on sticking to this part of the routine this week. Next week I plan to add in the afternoon and focus on that. Perhaps something like this..

1:30 School work
3:30 Chores
4-5 Free time (or chores if they aren't done yet)
5-6 Get ready for dinner
6:30 Dinner

And then of course the next week we will try and get the evening routine down...

7 PM clean up from dinner
7:30-8:30 Free time
8:30 Get ready for bed and family devotions
9 PM bed time for boys
10 PM bed time for adults

I am not one to oppose tweaking the schedule if it seems like its not working. I may change it an hundred times! But that's OK. Some Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday will have to be different since Tuesday and Thursday Jason has gymnastics classes, and Wednesday is church/AWANA. Free time can also turn into chore time or school time if the work wasn't completed during its time slot.

The boys are already not sure they like this routine but I think it will be really good for us as a family. We have done it before and I think we are always more productive when we stick to a schedule. I always say "Its better to have a plan and change it than to have no plan at all".

Rest, be still, wait

These are the 3 words I have been hearing from the Lord lately. Where ever I go I hear them. On the christian radio station, at church, at the women's retreat, in my personal devotions.

Rest. Be still. Wait.

I am not very good at this. I have always been doing something. Big things and little things, but always something. I have been involved in some kind of ministry most of my life.

Rest. Be still. Wait.

What this means for me is something I am still trying to figure out. I know the Lord wants more of me, more of my time, my focus, my worship. He wants to comfort me in the pain of the death of my son. He wants to teach me more of Him, of His mercy and grace, of His goodness, of His love, and of His will for me. He wants to make me more like Him, which is what I want too.

Rest. Be still. Wait.

I do what I don't want to do. I don't do what I do want to do. I echo Paul. Oh how I long for the day when sin will no longer be part of my life. When I will no longer desire anything wrong, but only what is right and to worship Him. Oh how I long for the day when pain and suffering will be no more.

Rest. Be still. Wait.

Rest, in His presence, in knowing that He is in control, in knowing that He loves me and has a plan for my life. Rest in knowing that everything will turn out for good because I love Him and am called by Him.

Be still in His presence, listen to the Words of His book. Do not run too and fro looking for things to do. Be still and calm, enjoy being in His presence.

Wait. Patiently, quietly, calmly. Not on the edge of my seat waiting to jump up again, just waiting patiently.

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him"

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Baptism

Gideon and Jason were baptized today! They have both been asking to be baptized for a long time and today we took them down to the river and Archie baptized them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!

Michael was baptized in the same river a little over 4 years ago. Archie was baptized in another river in Georgia in 2000. I was baptized in the Pacific Ocean in 1986.

Homeschooling this year

The last two years have looked a lot more like unschooling than homeschooling. With Silas' illness and passing it was a necessity to be more relaxed. Don't get me wrong, the boys most certainly got an education! Michael had testing at the end of last school year and aced everything except math, they definitely learned.

We started our school year the 16th of September. Since we are homeschooling we can set our own school year and school days as long as we have 180, 4 1/2 hour school days during a 12 month period.

We have started out slow and are working towards a regular schedule. So far we have only had 4 days of school per week since we have been so busy on the weekends lately. I'd like to get to where we are doing 5 days a week most weeks though. I do love that we can take a day off when we need to though! I really like homeschooling year round rather than taking months off at a time. It seems to work better for us.

Michael and Gideon were up in the tree house doing math and handwriting together today! I loved that! Michael is in 7th grade this year but for him I am teaching 6th and 7th grade math this year. Gideon is in 5th grade but I am teaching him 5th and 6th grade math this year. Jason is in 2nd grade but with all of the laughing that is going on when he does math I think we may need to move on to something more challenging for him. He laughs because he just can't believe how easy his math work is! I might end up doing 2nd and 3rd grade math for him this year.

All of them need work on their handwriting. Michael and Gideon both are doing cursive and Jason printing. I think Gideon and Jason will both have readable handwriting but it is much more challenging with Michael.

Michael is reading a lot! He can read books at an adult reading level and has an extensive vocabulary. Gideon reads at maybe a 2nd grade reading level but I think he is improving a lot and will "catch up" before much longer. I think that it will help a lot that he can see better now and isn't in vision therapy anymore. Jason is probably still at a Kindergarten level, mostly because its hard for him to be still long enough for a reading lesson! I am still teaching him reading of course and I think eventually it will click when he realizes the benefit of knowing how to read. I am not too worried about him as I was still at his level when I was 3 years older than him!

Science has always been a favorite subject with the boys so I do not worry about that too much. History is something I want to get more serious about, as well as Geography.

My main goals for this year are to get all of the boys up to grade level in math, handwriting, language arts and reading. My other goal is probably more important, for them not to complain about doing school work. They don't always but they often do. That is something I want to see stop. I want them to love learning AND enjoy "school".

Papa Chuck

Pastor Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel moved, he went home to Heaven today.

I remember hearing him say "One day you will read the headlines 'Pastor Chuck died today', but don't you believe it!" He moved out of this world and went home to Heaven.

Papa Chuck, as he was affectionately known by many, served the Lord with all of his heart. He showed us so many things about the Lord and His Grace and Mercy toward us. Pastor Chuck took us through the Bible chapter by chapter and verse by verse. He also was an example to us in other ways, picking up trash in the church parking lot or stopping to pray with someone no matter how busy he was.

I remember meeting him as a 16 year old at church camp. He was talking with another pastor and I didn't want to interrupt so I stood nearby and waited. After a minute or so he noticed me standing there and stopped the pastor who was speaking to him saying "Hang on a second, let me talk to this young lady here". He was a genuinely happy, loving, godly man. I am pretty sure the boys from the camp got in big trouble for pushing Pastor Chuck into the swimming pool that year, but he came out with a smile on his face!

He will be missed, but I am so happy for him, he is in the presence of the God he served so faithfully, surely singing praises at the top of his lungs with hands lifted high, and I know that is exactly where he wants to be.

Prayer

The topic for tonight's Bible study at church was prayer. Prayer is talking to God. It is a truly amazing gift to be able to talk with the God of the Universe! Not only are we allowed to come before Him and speak to Him but He wants us to!

We can pray every day, everywhere, about anything. We can tell God anything, He already knows everything but He still wants to hear from us! If you watched your child on a hidden camera throughout their day and knew everything that they did and said, would you not still ask them about their day when you got back together?

I loved something that someone said in my group "If you were cuddling with your child and having  a conversation with them and they fell asleep, would you be mad at them? Of course not! It's OK if you fall asleep when you are praying!"

I have been mulling over a couple of things I have learned through and about prayer in my life that I would like to share with you.

When I was 18 years old and had finished High School, I went to Indonesia to spend a couple of months working with missionaries there. There were a couple of things I needed for the trip and I prayed and asked God to provide. I waited for what seemed like a reasonable amount of time and then bought them for myself. Just a day later someone at church approached me and gave me exactly what I had been praying for only WAY nicer than what I had bought myself! If only I had waited and trusted the Lord to provide rather than jumping the gun and "providing for myself". What He has always comes on time, and is always better.

The next thing I will share is much more recent.

Last year, February of 2012, my youngest son Silas was diagnosed with cancer. I prayed and fasted and asked God to heal him. To take the cancer away and let him live. I continued to pray that for a long time, and often ended my prayers with "Your will be done". As things progressed and got worse and worse for Silas I wrestled with whether or not I was praying right. Was there sin in my life that was hindering God from answering me, from healing Silas. I confessed everything I could think of. I agonized over how to pray.

In time my prayers turned from "Please heal Silas, take away his cancer" to "Please heal Silas, in Your time, and in Your way". I was much more confident in this prayer and I began to realize that God knows better than me and I didn't know what was best in this situation. I did not stop praying but my prayers changed, I asked God to put His plan into action and do what He knew was best.

The last couple of weeks of Silas life, especially the last few days, I began to pray "Lord, please take him home". I believed this was best, I knew that God could still heal Silas in his earthly body, but I knew going to Heaven would be far better for him.

Silas prayed too. Monday, before he passed away, we listened to the song "Softly and Tenderly Jesus is calling". When the song was over Silas said "OK, I'm ready to go now". I said "go where?" He said "to go home". Tuesday he asked me to pray for Jesus to take him home (and by home, he always meant Heaven). To hear your 4 year old ask you to pray for him to "go home", to die....but I did, I prayed for him, for Jesus to take him home. On Wednesday he would wake up throughout the day and pray out loud "OK Jesus, I'm ready to go home now". He prayed several times throughout the day. Thursday he was very "out of it" and Friday evening he became unresponsive. Saturday afternoon he took his last breath. Blessed be the name of the Lord, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

God always answers our prayers. He teaches us through our praying. He uses our praying to conform our will to His. He never gets tired of hearing us talk to Him. He never sleeps! He's always available whenever you are ready to pray.

Day 30 - Final day of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month is ending today...for this year. There are so many that will be aware all year round and I am so grateful for that. I know I will be aware that children get cancer for the rest of my life.

I don't have millions of dollars to fund childhood cancer research, but I can do fundraisers to help! I can't make everyone aware of Childhood Cancer, but I can make some people aware!

September is over but the fight of many children around the world is not. I will continue to push for awareness and funding for childhood cancer research.

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported us in this journey! Thank you for reading these blog entries, thank you for helping us raise nearly $3000 for CURE and nearly $1000 for Alex's Lemonade Stand this month! Thank you for being aware, and for supporting those children in your life who face cancer.

God bless you!

Day 29 - Quiet Heroes

Yesterday I attended "A tribute to our Quiet Heroes" Luncheon and fundraiser in Atlanta. It was a luncheon honoring some of us cancer moms and also an opportunity for others to come and bid on items in the silent auction and make donations to CURE Childhood Cancer.

It was so nice! But very overwhelming. There were so many people there! Mostly women. Those of us who had children with cancer were asked to raise our hands during the event, it was astounding to see so many other mothers whose children also had or have cancer. Some are still fighting, some have fought and won, some have fought and lost. Even though I know the numbers, to see so many cancer moms, representing so many children with cancer, was so very very sad.

I don't know the final number but I know thousands of dollars were raised yesterday. I am so glad so many people are stepping up to help.

It has been difficult to continue our fundraising efforts and awareness raising efforts this month, Childhood Cancer Awareness month, but we can't stop. Silas is not here any more. No amount of fundraising or awareness raising of this terrible disease can do anything for him, but he's not the only one. Tomorrow 46 more children will be diagnosed, 7 more will die. We can't stop now, we have to keep going for them.

Day 26 - Gold

Childhood Cancer Awareness month is nearly over. The gold bows will start coming down. People will start thinking about Breast Cancer Awareness, Fall festivals, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

For us though, Childhood Cancer and its color, gold, will continue to be a big part of our lives. Silas is no longer with us, but it was his favorite color. Not just because of Childhood Cancer, but also because of Heaven, which is where Silas is.

In Revelation 21:21 the Bible tells us of the streets of gold, pure gold. Silas said this was one of his favorite things about Heaven.

We have gold bows all around our house, on our car and minivan, and it will probably always be there. Reminding us not only of the children fighting cancer, but more importantly of our real home, in Heaven.

Heaven is a real place, it is more real even than where we are now. I imagine when we go there, this life we are living now will seem only as real as a fading dream.

I imagine when I arrive in Heaven, Jesus will be there to greet me with many people standing around, a little ways back. He will embrace me and we will have a special time together. After that, the people will come close to greet me and welcome me home. Silas will be there, my grandparents will be there, everyone I have ever known who has gone on before me will be there. Oh how I long for that day!

This life here is important too though. Everything I go through here will be preparing me for there. Every life I come into contact here matters in eternity. I don't understand it all, but I believe it. I believe God has a purpose for my life and is even now working out His plan.

Day 25 - 4 months

It has been 4 months today since my son took his last breath.

Since he died on May 25th, approximately 840 other children have also died from cancer, and that's just in the USA!

That's just too many.

Day 24 - Happy Birthday Daddy!

Many families who face childhood cancer are single parent families, divorced families, or families where they children are being raised by someone other than their parents. This throws different kinds of difficulties into the equation. These families need extra support and encouragement during this difficult time.

Archie and I have been very blessed with a wonderful marriage. It takes work and commitment, but most importantly it takes putting the Lord first in our lives. The Lord having place above each other and our children.

Archie is a loving husband and father. I really cares about his family and about his role as husband and father. He loves the Lord and is dedicated to seeking His will for our family. He took such good care of Silas, he did whatever he had to do to make sure that things were taken care of while Silas was sick. So often it was Silas and I making the trips back and forth to the hospital and Archie staying home and looking after his mom and Michael, Gideon, and Jason.

He continued working for the first 11 months of Silas' treatment but came home and stayed home in January and did not go back to work until well after Silas passed away. He would have been willing to lose his job to be home with his family, but there was no need to worry about that, he works for some fantastic people who supported him and us in taking the time we needed to be home with Silas. I am so glad that Archie was able to be home where he needed to be, especially during those last few weeks before Silas passed away.

Archie held Silas in his arms the last time he was conscious. It was Friday night and I had been holding Silas in the rocking chair. I needed a break and Silas indicated he wanted to lay on the bed with Daddy. We moved him to the bed, he laid in the crook of Archie's arm and settled down. That was the last time he was responsive. I moved him to the other side of the bed to clean him up a couple of hours later but he was no longer responsive, he died the next afternoon.

I am so blessed to have Archie as a husband, I cannot imagine life without him! He is my best friend. The boys are so blessed to have him as a Daddy too! He really cares about raising them to be godly men and takes time to be with them.

I praise the Lord for Archie!

Happy Birthday Archie!

Off topic - Gideon's eyes

My posts this month have been about Childhood Cancer, but today I want to share sometime else.

On Friday we took Gideon for his eye Doctor appointment. He has been going every 3-4 months for the past 4 years, having vision therapy for the last 4 years, and wearing glasses for the past 6 years!

When Gideon was 4 we noticed that he turned his head to the side to look at things and that one eye drifted. We took him to the eye Doctor and he was given glasses. It took no time at all for him to get used to them because he could see and he loved that!

When we moved to Georgia in 2009, we knew he probably needed new glasses since he was not liking the pair he had anymore. We took him to a local Optometrist who referred him to a Specialist in Savannah. It was there that Gideon was diagnosed with Amblyopia, commonly referred to as "lazy eye". At this point, Gideon was 6 years old and it is commonly assumed that the problem can no longer be corrected after 6 years old. However, the Specialist did not feel this was true and so we began "patching" to try and correct Gideon's vision.

We used patches that covered his "good" eye  like a bandaid, to force the "lazy" eye to work harder and correct itself. After a while we also used eye drops in his "good" eye that made his vision blurry in that eye, which accomplished the same thing as patching, but worked for longer periods of time. With the actual patches we often had the problem of them coming off before they were supposed to. For instance, if he was supposed to wear a patch for 3 hours one day, it might start peeling off if he were running around outside getting sweaty. Of course we could just put another one on, but that was expensive.

His vision slowly improved over the years, he changed prescriptions several times and as of June this year his vision had improved from the original 20/100 to 20/20! Well, almost 20/20, his left eye is still slightly dominant but its close enough.

At our visit to the Specialist on Friday Gideon got great news, his vision is now stable without therapy and he doesn't have to go back for a check up for a whole year!!! He was very glad to hear this and so was I. He will likely always need to wear glasses (the 20/20 is with glasses on), but that's OK, lots of people wear glasses!

Day 23 - Chili's

Today Chili's restaurant is donating 100% of their net profit from the day to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital! We found out about this last year. They do it every year in September!

Last year Silas had an appointment in Atlanta to discuss a liver transplant with the specialists there. It was Archie's birthday and we ate at Chili's for lunch. The staff there was really great and gave Silas a free t-shirt and gave us a discount on our meal. I appreciate so much that a big chain like this would support St. Jude and all that they do for kids with cancer as well as other illnesses.

So, if you have a Chili's anywhere near you (the one we are going to tonight is 45 minutes away), and you feel like eating out, make it a Chili's night! You get a meal and you get to donate to a great cause!

Day 19 - some good things

Romans 8:28-29

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren."

There are things in this world that are just bad, there is nothing good about them, cancer is one of them. I cannot say anything good about Silas' cancer. It killed him. 

However, God can, and does, bring good about despite the bad things that happen in our lives. He does work things together for good. 

Today I want to share some of the good things that came about through our experience with cancer, that might not have happened otherwise. 

1. We met some amazing people! Doctors, nurses, and many other people who will be part of our lives from now on. I can't imagine any other way of having met some of these amazing people and I am so thankful that the Lord brought them into our lives. 

2. We were given the opportunity to share the Love of the Lord with so many people! Through hospital stays, through sharing Silas' story on facebook and through Caring Bridge, we have been given many opportunities to share the Lord with others, and so many have accepted the Lord! 

3. As I said in #2, many have accepted the Lord through Silas' story and testimony, and many people have also come back to the Lord. So many people have told me that they began to pray again after years of not praying. 

4. We have come closer together as a family. We spend more time together and are more purposeful about spending time together. Enjoying each other and making the most of the time we have together. 

5. We take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves more now, rather than saying "oh, not now, maybe one day". Rather than saying "maybe one day" we say "why not today?"

6. We became more involved in our community, we got to know our community better. 

7. We gained a much clearer Heavenly perspective. I think I have always looked forward to Heaven one day, but it has become so much more real, and so much more glorious. Heaven is home, my real home. Silas used to say that Heaven was his real home. Near the end of his life he said "OK, I'm ready to go home now". Heaven is my real home too, and I look forward to the day that the Lord calls me there. 

Day 18 - Siblings hurt too

Silas was the youngest of 4 brothers. His cancer did not only affect him, but it affected our whole family, including his 3 big brothers.

When Silas' diagnosis was confirmed on February 10th, 2012, Gideon was celebrating his 9th birthday. We celebrated in the hospital. We had been planning a surprise birthday party. Friends and family stepped up and helped give him a surprise party anyway, but Silas and I were not able to attend, we were in the hospital. Silas was also too sick to attend Michael's birthday party with friends.

We tried our best to make sure the older boys still got to enjoy outside activities but there was still so much we just could not do while we were caring for Silas. They missed out on a lot or normal regular activities. I am so thankful for those that remembered the older boys while Silas was sick. People who sent cards to them, took them to see movies or go to the park.

They missed out on being with their brother and parents too. We were separated for many days and nights during treatment.

Then there is the part about them worrying, they worried about Silas, they worried what would happen next, whether he would come home from the hospital.

At the end, it was extremely emotional for them. Michael and Jason both slept in our room along with Silas at night, fearing he would die when they weren't close by. Michael wouldn't leave the house, afraid that Silas would be gone when he came back. Gideon cried a lot before Silas passed away, he was so upset about Silas being in pain.

Childhood cancer hurts siblings too. We have had help from those around us to take care of Silas' older brothers and their needs. We have tried to give them the attention and support that they need. They will get through this, just as we will.

Day 17 - Relapse

"Relapse" is worse that the initial news that "your child has cancer".

When you first hear that your little boy or little girl has cancer, you are often ignorant of what that means. I had never heard the word "Hepatoblastoma" before. I had no idea that children could get liver cancer. I didn't know much about chemotherapy other than vomiting and hair loss. I didn't know how many different kinds of chemo there are, or the different methods of administration, or the other drugs that would be used as well. I did know the statistics on cure rates, I didn't know about long term side effects of chemo. I didn't know how sensitive my son would be to dressings, I didn't know what a central line was. I didn't know a lot.

After going through treatment one time, then you know. Relapse sends chills down your spine and puts fear in your heart. Now you know the horrors of cancer treatment and relapse means going through it all over again, or worse, as in Silas' case, going into the unknown. Sometimes relapse has no specific treatment plan. Sometimes relapse means shooting in the dark hoping something will work. Sometimes relapse is a death sentence.

Relapse is a word that no cancer parent ever wants to hear. Ever. For some, like Silas, relapse happens before you even get the "all clear" to begin with. After Silas' treatment finished in August we went to have scans and blood work to be sure the cancer was really gone. The tests the last week of August were inconclusive so we waited until September 17th, one year ago today, and repeated the tests. Relapse. It was back, it was growing, Silas was not cancer free.

For some, relapse comes months or even years later! Just when they think everything is going to be OK.

Many live the rest of their lives cancer free, never relapsing, but that fear is never quite gone. That little thought hiding in the back of their minds "what if it comes back?".

Day 16 - Thank you!

I am so grateful that so many people have contributed to Silas' fundraiser page on www.curechildhoodcancer.org ! Thank you all so much!!! I hope and pray that their September fundraising event is a smashing success!

If you haven't seen Silas' page on their fundraiser, here it is!

https://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/SilasEdenfield/2013-cures-kids-conquer-cancer-one-day-at-a-time

Day 15 - Time in the Hospital

OK, I missed a day, moving on...

I am so thankful that the Longest stay Silas had in the hospital was 10 days (if I remember correctly). Many children suffering from cancer have to spend MONTHS at a time in the hospital! Some children are in the hospital for their entire course of treatment!

Something that you can to to make this time a little easier is to donate new, unused toys, new or used video games or dvd's, crafting supplies, board games, etc. to your local children's hospital.

Day 13 - A day

Today is National Childhood Cancer Awareness day.

One day isn't enough though, one month isn't enough, we need to be aware of childhood cancer every day.

Day 12 - Cancer moms don't make good friends

I read something recently that said "Cancer Moms don't make very good friends". You know, its true. We don't make very good friends. We forget birthdays and holidays. We forget to send thank you notes. We forget to call you back. Our eyes glaze over when you talk about...well, anything.

Our minds are so full of medicine schedules, doctors appointments, test results, packing for the next hospital stay, repacking our bag as soon as we get home because we don't know when we will have to rush back to the hospital, trying to make sure we pick up the latest medicine from the pharmacy, making sure there is gas in the car, rescheduling - lots of things, playing phone tag with the doctor, dressing wounds and line sites, hooking up feeding tubes, learning how to flush central lines and ports, using NG tubes and GI tubes, making sure we have child care for our other children, making sure we don't run out of any prescriptions, checking our child's temperature - sometimes several times a day, trying to remember the last time we had a shower....the list goes on.

We don't make very good friends when our child has cancer, but we sure need good friends!

We need friends who will take care of our other children at a moment's notice, friends who will not get upset if we forget your birthday or anniversary, or forget to call you back. We need friends who will bring us a home cooked meal when we are in the hospital for the 12th day in a row. We need friends who will pray for us every single day. We need friends who will call and check on us and ask if there is anything we need, even if we have told you 100 times before that we are fine. We need friends who will offer to do something fun with our other children just so we can have a break while we are home from the hospital. We need friends who will write us notes of encouragement from time to time. We need friends who will offer to come over for an hour so we can bathe for the first time in who knows how long, or even take a much needed nap. We need friends who will offer to do specific things, like come over to make a dent in our mountain of laundry, or sink overflowing with dishes, or to mop the floors or sanitize the house. We need friends who will bring food, cleaning supplies, paper plates and cups, and toilet paper so we don't have to run out and get it ourselves when our time at home is so precious.

I am so grateful to have had people do many of these things for me. I wish I could have been a better friend, but you have been a good friend to me in my hardest time, and I hope and pray that when you face hard times I will be there to do these things for you. That when you can't be a good friend, I can step up and be a good friend to you.

Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."

Day 11 - I hear his voice in my head

I still hear his voice in my head. I hear him saying "Momma", I hear him trying to explain something to his brother Jason, I hear him yelling for Michael or Gideon to come do something for him, I hear him telling his daddy what he wants to eat.

I am afraid I will forget his little voice. I don't remember what the other boys sounded like when they were little, not really. I am afraid I will no longer hear him say "I love you Momma" in my head.

Three months have passed already, nearly 4. The tears don't flow as often now but there are always near the surface ready for just the right trigger...the green nail polish that he painted the bathroom with is still there, his little shoes - wondering what to do with them now, getting ready to spend a weekend at Wild Adventures - a trip he was so looking forward to this year, so many things that can be divided by 4 or 6, can't be divided easily by 5.

His voice may fade over the years, I may have to rely on videos to hear it. I may forget his birth marks and scars. I may forget a lot, but I will never forget how much I loved him. Should I live to be 110 not a day will pass that I will not miss him and not a day will go by that I will not look forward to being with him again in Heaven.

Day 10 - for a CURE

Today Silas is featured on CURE Childhood Cancer's website. Each day during the month of September they are sharing 2 or 3 stories from children who have fought, or are fighting cancer. Their goal is to raise awareness and funds through these stories. 

I would ask that you would prayerfully consider making a donation to CURE in memory of Silas. It does not have to be a large donation, anything will help. I keep saying it but I will say it again, if we all do a little, a lot can be accomplished! 

Thank you so much for your continued support, God bless you all!

https://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/SilasEdenfield/2013-cures-kids-conquer-cancer-one-day-at-a-time

www.curechildhoodcancer.org 

Day 9 - Long term side effects of cancer treatment

"But even for kids who survive, the battle is not over. Because of the treatments they had as kids, by the time they’re 45, more than 95% of survivors will have a chronic health problem and 80% will have severe or life-threatening conditions." ~St. Baldricks Foundation. 

In addition to finding cures for childhood cancers, we need to focus on less toxic treatments and cures! 

When Silas was being treated we were given long lists of possible late term affects of the treatments. He probably would have never been able to have children, he could have lost his hearing, his teeth probably would have been very bad the rest of his life, he could have developed a secondary cancer caused by the chemotherapy, and the list goes on. 

To me this is unacceptable. We must fund research so that less toxic treatments with more positive outcomes can be found. There are so many breakthroughs around the corner in the world of childhood cancer research, but there needs to be more funding so they can be discovered faster so that fewer children have to die from the cancer or be permanently injured by the treatment. 

Many children fighting cancer today do not have 5 or 10 years, or even 1 year to wait for a breakthrough in childhood cancer treatment. 

Day 8 - Cancer, a worldwide problem

Worldwide a child is diagnosed with cancer every 3 minutes. This is NOT just a US problem! Its everywhere.

When Silas was first diagnosed one of the first things I thought of was how thankful I was that we were in a part of the world where he could be diagnosed and receive treatment. There are so many places in the world today where children die from cancer having never been diagnosed or treated for it. 

Please take a moment and pray for the families around the world who lose their children to cancer and never know why. 

Day 7 - Camp Hope

Yesterday and today the boys attended Camp Hope, a grief camp for children who have lost a loved one. I think it was a lot of fun for them. Michael and Gideon particularly enjoyed the jet ski! Jason enjoyed the balloons the most (balloon animals and such).

Archie and I spent the day out and about and had lunch together. It was a really nice date.

When we returned to pick up the boys everyone told us how much they enjoyed having them and how smart they were :)

We completed 25 miles this week towards our 100 combined mile goal for the Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation Million Mile Run. Just 75 miles left to go! If you would like to learn more about this, and how you can get involved....

http://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/115552

Day 6 - a video of Silas

Today I will just share a video...This video was made in September last year when Silas had a new central line placed. This is just another thing that kids with cancer have to endure, IV's, ports, central lines...Silas was amazing and handled it so well!

Here is a link to the video...

http://s1263.photobucket.com/user/edenfam6/media/Sept2012001_zps5eafe8fe.mp4.html

I miss him so much. 

Day 5 - What you can do

Everyone can do something.

Not everyone can paint their nails gold, not everyone has a door or a car to place a gold bow on, not everyone can donate money, not everyone can wear a gold ribbon, not everyone can bring a meal to a family fighting cancer, or run and errand for a family fighting cancer, BUT everyone CAN pray!

Everyone can do something!

Everyone can pray for those families fighting cancer with their children, everyone can pray for the Lord to provide for their needs and to heal their precious children. Everyone can do this!

Everyone can do something.

Put a jar next to your washer and dryer and put all of the money that falls out of pockets into it, once its full, donate it to childhood cancer research!

Put a gold ribbon up on your front door or on a tree in your yard.

Paint your toe nails gold, or your fingernails, or one fingernail!

Put a gold ribbon bumper sticker or magnet on your car.

Tell a friend that kids get cancer too.

Share a link or links on your facebook or twitter to stories of childhood cancer kids.

Share a link or links to organizations that support funding for childhood cancer research.

Order some brochures from CURE Childhood cancer and pass them out to friends and family.

If you get some unexpected cash, take a portion of it and donate to childhood cancer research.

Shave your head at a St. Baldrick's event!

Host a car wash, bake sale, or other fundraiser in September to raise funds and awareness for childhood cancer.

Wear a t-shirt that supports childhood cancer awareness.

Everyone can do something, there are so many things you can do!

Day 4 - Which organizations to support

People ask me a lot which childhood cancer organizations are good to support. Here is a list of some good ones! There are probably more out there, but these are the organizations I know to be good.

www.curechildhoodcancer.org

www.curesearch.org

www.stbaldricks.org

www.thetruth365.org

www.alexslemonade.org

www.negu.org

Day 3 - Going Gold

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, Day 3.

I ordered about 100 large gold bows from the local party store, they were very generous and let me have the bows at cost! I also ordered about 200 small gold bows off of ebay and got a very good deal. I am hoping to get as many people as possible around town to put up gold bows to show their support for Children with Cancer, and also to make donations to the bows, all of which will go to CURE Childhood Cancer. An organization based here in Georgia that funds childhood cancer research as well as offering support to families faced with childhood cancer. I am asking $5 for the large bows and giving the small bows away for free (donations accepted of course!).

So far I have sold about 18 bows. I have only spent one day trying really hard, hopefully I can put some more time into it as the month goes on. It is a very emotional month for me and being emotional is exhausting!

We are also doing a raffle for the "Silas Gold" nail polish this month. We are selling tickets for $5 each. In May, OPI made 100 bottles of "Silas Gold" nail polish and sent it to Silas. He smiled so big when he saw his name on the bottom of the bottle! He said "that's a lot of nail polish, I think we should keep some and give some away". We have given bottles to friends and family, and we have also had 2 auctions for CURE Childhood cancer on facebook, raising nearly $3000. I have no idea how the raffle tickets are selling, I gave them to a few businesses and individuals to sell. I hope a lot comes in for CURE!

Day 2 - Statistics

You may have heard the statistic that 80% of Childhood Cancer is cured these days. But remember, that is on the whole. ALL Leukemia is cured 96% of the time, Hodgkin Lymphoma is cured 95% of the time, several other childhood cancers are cured more than 80% of the time. We can't forget though that so many have much lower cure rates. For Stage IV Hepatoblastoma like Silas had, the survival rate is only about 20-30% according to Cincinnati Children's hospital. Less than 10% of children diagnosed with DIPG brain tumors live longer than 18 months from the time they are diagnosed.

This 80% survival rate in pediatric cancer patients is a little skewed as well. This only accounts for children who survive 5 years after their treatment, however, some children relapse after the 5 year mark and die.

Its not good enough. We can't stop just because we've reached an 80% cure rate. That's still 1 out of every 5 children diagnosed with cancer dying. The death rate is too high.

Day 1 - September, Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

For the month of September I am going to try and post something about Childhood Cancer Awareness each day. September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month and being a cancer mom, it is very important to me.

2 years ago, I did not know that September was Childhood Cancer Awareness month. I will know every year from now on! 2 years ago I could not imagine having a child with cancer, I could not imagine losing a child to cancer! 2 years ago, life was very different.

2 years ago I had a happy, healthy (or so I thought) little 3 year old. Full of energy, chasing after his brothers, playing with his dog, and loving his momma and daddy. Things change, I know that, but this was a big change. I would have never imagined that 2 years later I would be mourning the death of my 4th child. My baby. No idea that I would be making posters and gold bows trying to spread awareness for the disease that killed him.

Looking to the future, I don't know what to expect. Things have changed so much. One thing I know though. The Lord is in the future and He will get me through whatever comes. He has a plan. He is already working out His will in my life. He knows how I feel better than anyone else could. People say they know how I feel, most of them have no idea, some of them know a lot, but no one knows exactly how I feel, no one but the Lord. His plans for me are for good, and I choose to trust Him will my life. I continue to trust Him as I always have.

Breastfeeding

World Breastfeeding week was earlier this month, August 1-7th.

I am NOT a breastfeeding "Nazi". I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding though. I believe that it is not only the best nutrition for baby, the best thing for a mother's body, but that it is also God's own design for feeding babies!

I will start right off the bat by saying that I understand that not all women can, or choose to, breastfeed. I am not out to make you feel bad because you couldn't or wouldn't breastfeed your child/children. 

For me, it was a no brainer to breastfeed my children. I grew up around it, I have memories of my mother and aunts sitting around visiting while nursing their babies. I remember pretending to nurse my dolls when I was little. It was just normal! It was how mothers fed their babies.

When I was pregnant with my first son it did not even enter my mind to bottle feed, why would it? In my mind, bottle feeding was for those few women who were physically unable to nurse their babies, or for babies who had lost their mothers, or perhaps for women who had to work long hours. I quit working when I was pregnant and was planning to stay home, why would I consider bottle feeding? Unless of course, something went wrong.

It turns out that breastfeeding, while a nature thing, does not always come naturally. It was very difficult for me in the beginning! I produced too much milk, which made it hard for Michael to latch on, which made me super sore! By this point I started educating myself more on breastfeeding. I bought books about it, I talked with Lactation consultants, and I was even more convinced it was worth figuring out, even if it took a lot of work.

Finally I wrote a long, detailed letter to the La Leche League. (We didn't have a branch in our small community). I explained to them all of the troubles I was having and asked for help. To my joy and surprise they responded with a long letter and a large envelope of brochures explaining what they thought my problem was and how to correct it! They were right too! Over active let-down and over supply. After fighting to nurse without pain for 3 months I was able to correct these problems in just a couple of weeks after receiving this information.

After that was solved everything went very smoothly! Well, almost everything. I still received awkward stares when I nursed in public, even covered up! I got comments from friends and family asking how much longer I was going to breastfeed, wasn't he too old for that (at a year old). I even found Doctors that were uneducated about breastfeeding. When Michael had a stomach bug once the Doctor told me to stop nursing him until he was feeling better because milk can upset a child's stomach. Michael was 15 months old. The Doctor did not understand that breast milk is one of the most gentle foods on a child's belly! I ignored his advice. Michael got better rather quickly too. I actually ended up cutting out all other foods and just nursing him until he got better.

So often I was met with shock that I was "still" breastfeeding after 6 months, after a year, then "how old is he now???". I didn't usually volunteer the fact that I was nursing a 3+ year old, but it did come up sometimes. I think part of the shock when people hear that you are nursing a toddler is that people don't understand how different it is to nurse a toddler than a newborn. They think of a 3 year old attached to the breast every 3 hours around the clock! In my experience however, that is just not how it works. Once my children were 18 months or so, they were eating mostly solid foods and only nursing for comfort or to go to sleep. Sometimes 5 or 6 times a day, or sometimes only once or twice a day. By the time I weaned them, it was only once a day, and not at all other days.

I nursed Michael all through my pregnancy with Gideon, I had some soreness so I did limit how often he could nurse, only at nap time and bed time. I nursed Gideon until almost the end of my pregnancy with Jason and then made him stop, I really don't think he was ready to though, and once Jason was born I let him start nursing again. I finally weaned him at 3.5 and I am not sure he was really ready then either, but I was. Jason weaned himself when I was pregnant with Silas. After I was a few months into pregnancy Jason lost interest. He would ask once in a while, I would say no, and he would go on doing something else. It was not hard to wean him. Jason was about 2 1/4 when he weaned. I nursed Silas until he was 3. I had a feeling he would be my last baby, so part of me was not in a hurry to wean him. It seemed like it was time though. I weaned him over our vacation to California. By the time we came home, he wasn't nursing at all.

I did nurse Silas again at the end of his life. He was nearly 5 years old, but as he drew near death, in many ways he was like a baby again. I wanted so much to comfort him in his pain. One day I told him that if he wanted to nurse, it would be OK. He smiled and nodded his head that he would like to. I only nursed him 2 or 3 times in the few weeks before he passed away, but I feel it brought him some comfort. It reminded him of when he was a baby, safe in momma's arms. I am glad I made that decision and that I could comfort him in that way.

Breastfeeding as been a very fulfilling part of my life. It was a precious time to connect with my children, to give them nourishment to grow and be strong and healthy. The cancer started showing up not many months after I stopped nursing Silas. I have no proof, but I have wondered if the breastmilk actually held back the cancer in the beginning.

I think everyone should give it a shot, if it doesn't work out, at least you tried! Its good for babies and good for mommas. There are so many benefits! If you want to try and are not sure you can do it, ask for help! And keep asking until you get the answers you need to be successful. If you don't breastfeed (or are a man), be supportive of women who do breastfeed! In our society we need all the encouragement we can get.

Thinking about modesty

Modesty has been talked about a lot over the past couple of days in the news and on social media. I have been thinking about it for a few days longer than that recently though and thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

I have kind of swung back and forth over the years between being very conservative in my dress and being more relaxed (?not sure if that's the right word). For a while I wouldn't wear shorts of any length, now I do but they are longer than my fingertips when my arm is hanging at my side. For a while I thought it was fine to wear even short shorts as long as it was just around the house. Now I think that its better not to. For a while I felt that I should always wear skirts or dresses, now I don't feel that way.

I do think that it is important to dress appropriately for the occasion. I think this is a very important part of modesty. I would not wear my modest, covers-everything-up bathing suit to go grocery shopping or to church! Nor would I wear my ankle length skirt to go out and mow the lawn in.

Some things I am strict about. No one should ever be able to see down my shirt. I try to wear shirts and blouses that make that impossible or at least highly unlikely. No one should every see my belly! Even if I was in good shape I would keep my middle covered! No skin tight clothes here either. No short shorts or short skirts. I do have some "shorter" dresses but they are not super short.

I have been thinking more about modesty lately because my sons are getting older. I want to model modesty for them so that they know what is appropriate. I want them to know when they need to avert their eyes when they are in public and see a girl/woman immodestly dressed. I also want them to seek a modest wife as they get older. Not someone who wants to "show off her body". Our bodies are not for show, they are temples of the Holy Spirit! They are for His use!

Archie is modest, he does not go shirtless, even for swimming. We almost always have the boys wear swim shirts when they go swimming as well. We never took naked pictures of the boys when they were babies or even let them run around naked outside of the privacy of the home when they were very small.

Modesty is not just an issue for women, its also an issue for men. Like I already mentioned, our bodies are not for show. I don't think its wrong to "dress up" for a special occasion, or try to look our best, but our bodies are not for the whole world to see. It is not a matter of "how much skin can I show and still be modest". It is not "how close can I get to the line and still be OK". It is however, "how can I set a good example for my children" and most importantly "how can I glorify God with my dress and with my body".