Sunday morning at church was the first time I had heard the term "intergenerational fellowship". It got me thinking about sharing my thoughts on the subject. The next day I had a conversation with a young woman that really lit a fire under me to get this written!
I used to think that the idea of parents being "friends" with their children was hogwash. Parents are supposed to guide their children, teach them right from wrong, tell them what they should do and how to do it. Right?
Well, sort of. My feelings on the subject have changed somewhat in recent months. It was around the time my oldest son turned 16 that I began to notice a change in our relationship. Sure, I was still telling him to do his laundry, wash the dishes, and take a shower, but a sort of friendship began too. I started realizing the great importance of a close, good, solid relationship, one might say "friendship" with my older teen. When my children were very young there was more teaching, instructing, caring for, and disciplining. Sure I liked my kids, and I suppose they liked me too for the most part, but it wasn't exactly a friendship relationship. During the middle school years, I am pretty sure they liked me less. Now however, with my 17 almost 18 year old we are transitioning from a parent/child relationship, to a parent/friend relationship. I believe over the next few years as he becomes an adult, moves out on his own, and starts a career and family that we can have an interegenerational friendship! I hope and pray to have this relationship with all of my children.
I looked up various definitions of the word "friend", here are a few...
- One attached to another by affection or esteem.
- A favored companion.
- A person one knows, likes, and trusts.
- A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
- A person whom one knows and with whom one has a mutual affection.
- A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
- A person who is on good terms with another; not hostile.
I feel like all of these could be used to describe a relationship between a parent and an older teen, and even more so between a parent and an adult child. Not only that, I think that there
should be a friendship between a parent and an older teen/adult child! I fear if there is not a close relationship of mutual trust and affection between parents and older teen/young adult children, that these children will be less inclined to heed the advice and guidance of their parents and be more likely to find themselves making avoidable mistakes and poor life decisions.
For myself, I find that I am much more inclined to heed the advice of those with more life experience than myself. Some of the closest and most influential friendships I have had in my life are with women that are 15-25 years older than myself! I am also much more inclined to heed the advice of those with whom I share a mutual affection and personal regard. I am much less likely to care what you think I should do if you are not nice to me or if you are bossy and always telling me what to do and how to do it. I appreciate much more the advice and guidance of those who care about me and show me they care by their actions and attitudes toward me. Why would I listen to others with whom I do not have a close relationship?
I want to have a close relationship with my children as they become adults, I want to encourage them to share their lives with me by sharing my life with them. Once they are grown and living on their own I will still be available to offer advice and encouragement, but there will not be a need for me to parent them in the same way as when they were very young. No need for me to schedule their time for them or micromanage their lives. If I have raised them well, they will be able to do those things on their own! When they are grown I hope to have phone calls and visits with them to hear about what God is doing in their lives and what is going on with their families. I hope to share with them what their Daddy and I have been up to and what the Lord is doing in our lives. I hope to be able to be part of their weddings, baby showers and births. I hope to be able to answer questions about caring for children and cooking for their wives. I hope to offer advice on how to love their wives and children, and how to stay focused on living for the Lord. I want to be a friend to them.
When Archie and I married we were fairly young, 22 and 21. The other day we were talking about how my parents were involved in our lives at that time. My parents paid for our wedding, and for a car for us (an inexpensive used car). We made our own decisions about where to live, where to work, what to eat, what to drive, how to schedule our time. From time to time we would ask for advice, how to treat a cold, how to make a particular recipe. Once our children came along we called them more often for advice, questions from co-sleeping and breastfeeding to homeschooling and child rearing. Over time they have occasionally helped us out, like when Gideon (our second son) was born and the transmission went out on our van the next day, my parents paid for it to be repaired. Even before I married Archie, I think my parents began allowing me to make my own decisions about what I would do with my life. They were there to talk things through with me and offer guidance, but for the most part, I made decisions and they supported me, even from the time I was only 17 or 18. We had good communication and they trusted me. My relationship with my parents greatly influenced the way I wanted to raise my own children.
In John 15:15 Jesus told His disciples that he no longer called them servants, but friends. He said that a servant doesn't know what his Master is doing, but Jesus called His disciples friends because He had shared with them all that His Father had told Him. They had reached a point where He had been teaching them for some time and the time was coming near that they would go out into the world and do His work.He was only with them a little longer after He made this statement. There was a transition in the relationship.
Our children are under our care for such a short time. Sometimes we forget that we are raising them to go out and be adults. Sometimes it is hard for us to make the transition from being parent to being friend, but it is an important transition to make, and I believe that transition should start before the child is completely out of the house.
On to the point I wanted to make with the title of this post. Intergenerational friendship is important to true fellowship in the Church. The modern school system has separated everyone by age, but only being friends with those who are our own age cheats us of so much knowledge, wisdom, and many beautiful experiences. My Grandmother on my Dad's side was nearly 50 years older than me, but I had a wonderful relationship with her and learned a lot from her over the years. My Mother is 25 years older than me and we also have had a good relationship, of course there were some bumps when I was a child, and especially in my early teens, but as an adult our relationship has been a good friendship.
Many of the friends I have had during my life were much older than me. I feel to some degree that I have been drawn to older friends. Some friends have been younger than me and the older I get, the more I have younger friends as well as older. Friends that are older are often a wealth of information because they are further down the road from me. They have already been through what I am going through now and can share what they have learned. Those friends younger than me can help me understand more about some new things that I have no experience with, and I can share with them some things that I have learned along the way. I can also help fill in the gaps and help support younger women in my life in areas where they do not have support from others. Again, if we only have friends who are the same age as us and are going through the same phase of life as we are, we miss out on so much!
The Church often, too often in my opinion, separates members by age, just like the world does in schools. I so appreciate that our church is taking opportunities to bring families together for special events and services, I appreciate that children and youth are allowed to come into the services along with the adults. It is so important for believers to worship together, no matter what age.
There is also the issue of age not being everything. You can have a room full of 8 year olds that are at all different levels of maturity. Some can read and write, others are just learning their ABC's. Some can tie their shoe laces, others hate wearing shoes at all. Some can cook pancakes on the stove, others can't pour themselves a cup of juice without spilling. Some can carry on an intelligent conversation about the Sunday sermon, while others are still struggling to even listen for more than a few minutes. Sometimes we put more importance on age than we should and we miss out on some beautiful relationships. We know that discrimination is wrong, but it is ok to discriminate based on age? "She is old enough to be my mom! How can I be friends with her?" or "She is barely out of high school, I don't think I could relate to someone that young." Taking time to spend with older and younger people than ourselves teaches us so much and can be such a blessing to us. It is not all about you either and what you could gain, it is also about what you have to offer in friendship to another person!
I would like to close this out by offering some questions you may want to ask yourself...
- Do I dismiss the idea of building a friendship with someone because they are "too old" or "too young"?
- Do I embrace opportunities to fellowship with people older and younger?
- What do I want my relationship with my adult children to look like? How can I work towards that before they are grown?
- How can I be a friend to others, no matter their age?
- Take a moment to think about people in your life who have shown friendship to you who are not your age, think about what that has meant to you.
- Who does the Lord want me to reach out to and befriend?
I know not everyone will agree with me on these things, but if you don't, I hope it has at least given you some things to consider. God bless!
