I usually enter the Christmas season with mixed feelings. Excitement for the activities, Christmas parties, parades, plays and of course baking! Then there are the things I don't really like about the season. Weight gain, busyness, colds, crowded stores, and so much focus on "stuff".
This year is different, like none I have ever lived through. This year, I am grieving the death of my youngest son. Christmas day will mark exactly 7 months since he took his last breath.
I must confess, I'm not really looking forward to any of it. I don't really feel like baking, though I've made myself do a little for the sake of my other three boys. I'm not planning to attend any parties, I don't really feel up to it. We did go to the parade and to the children's play at church, again, mostly for the sake of the boys. Still, I find myself wishing it was January already.
Archie and I both have the same thought when asked "what do you want for Christmas?". Unfortunately, we both want what we can't have, Silas. Interestingly, the boys have not told us anything that they want for Christmas, usually they have lists. They haven't asked for anything this year. (except Jason, who has started asking for a treadmill now).
My goal has been just to get through the holidays, Thanksgiving - check, Hanukkah - check, Christmas, New Year.... I just have to get through them. I haven't been trying to enjoy them or make the most of them, I have been just trying to make it through.
Is that enough though? Is that OK? I am grieving the loss of my 5 year old little boy, should anything else be expected of me? Maybe not, but there is something more I want out of this season. I don't mean just this holiday season, I mean this season of grief.
I want to be closer to the Father. I want more Jesus. I want more Holy Spirit in me. I have accepted His gift of Salvation which brings me to peace with Him, now I must rest in that peace. I must spend time with Him, in His Word, praising Him with my voice and with all that I am. That is what I want above all else, to be close to God.
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It is absolutely okay to just make it through. The pain is still so raw, and I can't imagine your family's loss. Anyone who sets a timeline for your grief has never felt it. I have been praying for all of you since my daughters friend (Robbi Kalmikov) told us about your story. God bless you during this season, and those to follow...may your pain lessen and be replaced with the joy of living. Merry Christmas.
Y'all are definitely in my prayers this year and the years to come. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm thankful God does. I'm thankful He knows exactly what it feels like to lose His son. I'm thankful that He wraps His arms around you and pulls you close when you miss little Silas. I pray you sense His presence and Silas' presence more than ever, especially this Christmas season.
I really encourage you to watch a sermon by Pastor Levi Lusko about the loss of his 5 year old daughter to an asthma attack. I think it will touch you in a special way to know someone else's story of dealing with the loss of their child. He's raw with his emotions and he's honest. I think you'll relate so much to his sermon. I pray it gives you peace.
The link is below. It's part of the "I Don't Know What I Believe" series at Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC. Click Part Seven: "Turn Off the Dark".
http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/i-dont-know-what-i-believe
My heart aches for y'all. God bless you abundantly! Silas is in heaven spending Christmas with the reason for the season, our Lord. Lots of love and prayer from Texas. <3
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