"...don't let my pain be wasted."

I will not start at the beginning with this post, but rather tell you where I am at now.

For the past 27 years I have suffered from pelvic pain. Over the past 7 years it has gotten worse. I had some reprieve for about 4 years but the past year it has steadily been getting worse and worse. Now I have pain to some degree daily. A day without pain is something I cannot imagine.

My pain ranges from a 2 (just little twinges that I can ignore if I keep busy) to an 8 (as bad as when I was in labor with my boys). Most days are in the 3-5 range on the pain scale.

I take medication for pain, but only when I feel like I really need it. I hate taking meds so I often wait too long to take them and then they don't work as well. I'm getting better about that though because I need to be pain free enough to take care of my children.

Some days I go to bed feeling OK, but then wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning in such horrible pain that I can't get back to sleep without taking medication. Some days I sleep OK but then when I get up and start my day the pain takes me back to bed. Some days I can't get to sleep at night because of the pain. Occasionally I am in pain at bedtime but when I get in bed it eases off enough to get to sleep.

Exercise has been harder in recent months. I was walking 25 miles a week earlier this year, but in the last couple of months I have had to cut back. I still aim for at least 20 miles a week, but sometimes it is less than 15 and I walk a lot slower than I used to. I was doing other exercise as well for a while, but now I stick with just walking.

About 6 weeks ago I started the process of getting my medical records reviewed by a Specialist to see if I am a good candidate for surgery. It is suspected that I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, and possibly PCOS. (If you don't know what these things are, google does). The only way to diagnose Endometriosis is to do laparoscopic surgery and visually identify it. I have known this for a long time, but until now, it didn't seem like something that was an option for me.

The Surgeon called me a couple of weeks ago and confirmed that he did believe I was a good candidate for the kind of surgery they do and he would get the office staff started on processing my paperwork and checking on what my insurance would cover. They will call me in a couple more weeks, and according to an email I received, they will likely schedule surgery for sometime in January 2017. In the mean time, the Surgeon ordered an ultrasound. I am currently waiting for the results. If I have Adenomyosis or PCOS there should be visible signs that would show up on Ultrasound.

Waiting is hard. I've waited a long time to be in a position where this surgery was a possibility. Now I am waiting for test results, then a surgery date, then for the actual surgery! Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I have worried about many aspects of all of this. How can I afford this? How can I manage the pain until surgery? How can I care for my boys when I am in pain? Am I going to be able to do the grocery shopping this week? Am I going to be able to make it to church in the morning?

When my youngest son, Silas, had cancer, I struggled with lots of fears. I struggled to know what and how to pray. I struggled to stay in the Word of God. At first I was determined to continue my Bible reading plan, but that only lasted about a month. My Bible reading became sporadic for the next year and a half or so. I continued to pray, but my prayers consisted mostly of "Lord, help me! Heal Silas."
In the 3 years since he passed away I have grown in my relationship with the Lord. I have been in His Word daily most of the time and my prayer life has improved greatly. I have become closer to Him than before. When my own pain started increasing about a year ago, and especially the past couple of months, I started to worry that I would fall away again. That I would stop having regular time in the Word of God, that my prayer life would suffer. However, I feel like I learned from my experience with Silas' illness, and the Lord is using that to help me stay focused during my own pain. I feel determined to stay in the Word, to keep praying, even when I am not sure how to pray. I know that it is not my effort that will keep me close to the Lord, but rather His continued work in me.

"God, don't let my pain be wasted. Use it to conform me to Your image." ~Linda Dillow (Calm My Anxious Heart, chapter 2).

I have to cut back on my normal activities and learn to pace myself. I can't keep up with all I want to do, so I have to prioritize and let some things go. I can pray though, I can be in God's Word every day. I can read to my boys from the Word. I can, I should, I will - by the grace and with the strength of the Lord!

I pray for healing. I pray that I will be able to have surgery and that it will be successful. But if the Lord doesn't heal me, or surgery isn't successful as I would hope it to be, I am determined to praise the Lord. When it comes down to it, Jesus is all that matters. My life belongs to Him. Because of this, I know I will not always suffer, because He has promised me a home with Him in Heaven one day, where there is no more pain or suffering.

Blessed be the name of the LORD!