Things I want you to know about losing a child

I have read several articles written by grieving parents to help people understand what it is like to lose a child, what you can do to support friends who have lost children, and what not to do when someone you know has lost a child. I have agreed with a lot of the things written, but each article I read I think "I would just add this one thing" or "I wish they had said it this way instead".

I will not attempt to duplicated any of the articles I have read, but I want to share some of the things I have thought of from my own experience when reading those other articles.

What I want you to know...

1. No matter how old, or young, a child is when he or she dies, it is deeply painful for the parents. The pain cuts deeply into your soul. It is not just emotional, it physically hurts. It hurts more than any pain I have ever known. Losing a pregnancy, losing a newborn, losing a 4 year old, losing a 15 year old, losing a grown child, it all hurts like nothing else.

2. The pain doesn't ever go away. Ever. That doesn't mean that there is not a healing that can take place, there certainly is healing in Christ. But until Heaven, I don't believe there can ever be complete healing. It's like losing an arm. You will heal, and learn, in time, to live without an arm, but you are never the same again, you are no longer whole. Losing a child doesn't hurt the same way after a while, but there will always be some degree of pain. No matter if you lost your child 2 years ago, or 40 years ago.

3. Dates we remember. Not only do we think of our children on Christmas, their birthdays, and the date our child died, but many of us who lost our children to illnesses like cancer think of our children on many other days too. The date of diagnosis, the date of his first surgery, the date we were told he was terminal. For those who lose a child before he or she is even born, the due date is another date that sticks. These are only a few. Many dates are significant to us. It's OK if you don't remember them with us, it is nice when you at least remember them on holidays or their birthdays. It is comforting to us that we are not the only ones who remember our children.

4. We don't always know what we want. Sometimes we want you to give us a hug, sometimes we want our privacy, sometimes we want to talk about how we are feeling, sometimes we just want to just talk about our child. Sometimes, we don't know what we want. We just want our child back in our arms like nothing ever happened. Please hang in there with us, even when you don't know how to help us.

5. Please think before you speak. It is not helpful to say things like "I know exactly how you feel! My great Aunt B died from cancer too." or "At least you have other children" or "You can always have another baby". These things are not only unhelpful, they can be hurtful. Losing a child is different from any other loss, some say it is the worst loss you can suffer (and I am inclined to agree). Having other children still with you is comforting, but does not replace the lost child, nor does having another baby.

Here are few ways you can reach out to us and offer a little support and comfort.

1. Hugs are usually a good idea. Words are tricky and should be used carefully.

2. Tell us when you think about our child! I love it when I get a text or a facebook message from someone who is thinking of my child or wants to share a memory they have of my child. It means so much that we are not the only ones who remember.

3. Listen, and don't shrink away when we want to talk about our child. That has been one of the hardest things for me. When I mention Silas in a conversation and the other person changes the subject or pulls back and acts like they are uncomfortable. He is my son, he is not here, but he is still my son and you know what? I am going to talk about him the rest of my life! Get used to it. I understand it can make you uncomfortable, probably because you aren't sure what to say or do. I will tell you what to do, smile, and listen. Join me in talking about my son! Just please don't act like he never existed.

4. Pray for us, and let us know that you are doing so. It really means a lot to know that people are praying for us. Especially around the times that we are missing him the most. Christmas, other holidays, his birthday, the day he died. It really does bring some comfort.

5. Give us some space and understanding. Some days its just too hard to go to that Kindergarten graduation (since he died just before he would have started Kindergarten), sometimes its just too hard to celebrate that holiday (it was his favorite and he's not here to celebrate with us), sometimes its just too hard to get through the day (it was the day he was diagnosed). Please be understanding when we have bad days and say a prayer for us.

I hope this helps you understand a little better. Neither is an exhaustive list, just a few things that I have wanted to share.

One last thing I would like to share with those of you who have just recently lost a child, I want to give you some hope. When Silas first died I read stories of parents who were still in the depths of despair 10 or 15 years after their children died! It terrified me! Though at the time I had a hard time seeing myself ever being able to function again. I have since met people, and heard stories from people who lost their children many years ago, and have found a way to keep on living and not only live, but find peace. I want you to know that you can move forward. You can be OK. You can find peace after losing your child. This only comes from clinging to the Lord Jesus. Seek a closer relationship with Him through prayer and study of His Word. Seek to be with other believers who will encourage you and pray for you and walk with you on this road. Allow yourself to really grieve. Don't hold back the tears. Talk about your child and what happened. Find others who are further down this road than you and can help you find your way. As much as it hurts, and as much as you may not believe me right now, there is hope and you can find peace after the death of your child.