Starting over

In many ways we have been starting life over since Silas passed away. A new chapter has begun and so many things are different now.

One of the big things is getting back to parenting. It sounds strange I know but for nearly 2 years we were not strict at all and the boys spent a lot of time doing what they wanted to do with few restrictions. More time than was good for them was spent on video games and watching TV, and too little time was spent on being responsible to keep the house tidy. We continued to homeschool but it was very "relaxed", more than I like.

We started school back in September, and while I still take a more relaxed approach to homeschooling than some, we do have more structure and a more solid plan for the year. So far I am really pleased with this school year and the boys are doing well in their studies.

I have also been re-reading "Have a new kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. While I am not sure I agree with him 100% on everything, there are some good principles and we are trying to implement some new things and reintroduce some old things.

For example...

B doesn't happen until A is completed. If you haven't done what I have asked you to do, then when you want something or want to do something, the answer will be no. If I have asked a child to do a chore that I need to have done right away, and they don't do it right away, then I will ask another child to do the job for money and the first child has to pay them.

Say it once, walk away, and expect the child to obey. This one is really hard for me, I nag. I tell them to do something, and then keep "reminding" them until they do it. When I do this they get used to it and don't bother doing what I said the first time because they know I won't let it go until the job is done. That's not good! They need to get in the habit of doing what they are told the first time and not procrastinating. When they are all grown up and have jobs they will need to not only do what they are told, but they will need to take initiative!

Stay calm, don't yell. If I stay calm and in control of myself, they will learn to stay calm and in control of themselves. They will also listen better, I mean really, are you more likely to obey your boss if he/she is yelling at you and freaking out? Or if they stay calm and in control in tough situations. I think its the same with kids, if you stay calm and in control, they are more likely to learn to respect and obey you. Of course, not always, that's where consequences come in. There have to be consequences for disobeying and disrespecting.

Make expectations clear. I learned this lesson very well when I was 19 years old. I was in a situation where I was not clear on what was expected of me and a lot of hurt resulted. Ever since I have tried to be very clear about what I expect of others, and make sure that I understand others expectations of me. My children often get frustrated when I say "we'll see" when they ask if they can do something or have something later. I don't want to promise them anything and then it not work out. I don't want to automatically say no either with no explanation. Sometimes "we'll see" is the best answer I can give them. For example, Michael asks if he can play games on the computer, I might say "Not now, I need you to do x, y, and z right now", he says "well can I play after those things are done?", I will say "tell me when you are finished and we'll see". If I don't want him to play that day I will say "no, not today but you do need to do those chores". There have been times that the boys have done all of their school work and all of their chores and then said "can I play games now?" and I will say no because we are about to go somewhere or its nearly dinner time, etc. Then they will get really upset because they thought that if they did those things they could play. I hate when that happens so I try to let them know that they need to do their school work and chores because its the right thing to do, and that if we have free time after those things are done, they may ask to play games, but doing school work and chores doesn't earn them the right to play games. Also along the lines of making expectations clear, if I tell Gideon I want his bedroom cleaned, I try to make sure he and I are on the same page as to what constitutes a clean bedroom.

In the big picture I want my boys to be obedient, loving, sincere, helpful, respectful, diligent, hard working, strong, courageous, bold, trustworthy, and dependable. They are 13, 11, and 8 now, I feel like I have so little time left with them before they are all grown up, but I am determined to do the best I can with the time I have with them. Archie and I are no where near being perfect parents, but we are committed to raising our children in the Lord, to doing the best we can to raise our boys to serve the Lord and to do well in their lives. We will make mistakes (already have) but we will press on and continue to actively raise our boys.