So tired

I've never considered myself a super energetic person, but about five and a half years ago, when Silas relapsed with cancer, I found myself dealing with a whole new level of tired. Sure, the previous 6 months had been exhausting, taking him back and forth to the hospital for treatment, but this was more. I didn't sleep at night, I became exhausted all day every day. I started having back pain, neck pain, arm pain, leg pain, digestive problems, and I gained 50 lbs. Of course, I attributed it all to the stress of the situation.

After Silas passed away, I slept like a rock for the first week. It took me a while to get to sleep, I had to make sure everyone in the house was breathing, and I had to get used to the quiet - no more monitors or oxygen machine making noises. Once I was asleep though, I slept like a rock. It only lasted a week though. After that week, I didn't sleep well at all. It took me forever to fall asleep, and many nights I felt like I got no sleep at all. I would look up at the clock at least once an hour, and although I think I probably dozed off a few times, I went many nights with very little sleep. I went to the doctor and got some sleeping pills, which caused my insomnia to be even worse. I weaned off of it, but my insomnia, fatigue, and pain persisted.

I thought for a while, that my physical troubles were caused by the 50 lbs I had gained. It took me over 2 years to get off what I had put on in about 8 months. Looking back now, I think my weight gain was a symptom, not the cause of my problems. I'm still overweight, but minus those 50 lbs I gained while Silas was sick.

I have radically changed my diet. When Silas was sick I was eating cookies and cake, caramel frappuchinos, fast food, prepackaged food, frozen food, anything that was quick and easy. I am totally a stress eater, so I ate a lot too! I cringe when I remember some of the things I ate during that time. I didn't realize that I was poisoning myself. Now, I eat a low carb, high fat diet. I eat vegetables every day. I drink mostly water. I no longer drink caffeine, or eat sugar, gluten, or dairy (except for butter). I'm constantly tweaking my diet trying to get in nutrients and avoid things that I have negative reactions to. I don't eat perfectly 100% of the time, but I eat much better than I ever have before.

I have tried various herbal and vitamin supplements. Some have helped, others have not. I find I am sensitive and likely to react negatively to a great many supplements and medications!

Endometriosis and Adenomyosis was something I had dealt with since I was 11 years old, and sometimes wondered if that was the real cause of my pain, fatigue, and insomnia. In October 2016 I finally had surgery for that. My pelvic pain was completely relieved by this surgery and I am so very grateful that I was able to have it done by a specialist. I think this surgery was an important part of my health journey, but it didn't solve all of my health issues.

It has been over a year since the surgery, I'm still tired, still don't sleep well, still have digestive issues, food and environmental sensitivities. I have shortness of breath, chest discomfort, lightheadedness, and nausea from POTS. I get headaches often, my allergies are horrendous, post-nasal drip drives me nuts, I get brain fog. Then there is the pain. I feel like I am always carrying around a 100 pound child on my shoulders. This makes it hard to stay up on my feet and causes a tremendous amount of pain when I am active (and by "active" I mean doing normal things like going to church, or the grocery store). Some days my whole body aches, even my eye lids! The slightest touch can cause pain, a pat on the shoulder or a hug can make me cringe. Other days, I'm just exhausted with little to no pain. Being exhausted without being able to sleep well...I don't know the right words to describe how that feels. I don't know what it feels like to NOT be tired.

I feel like I am trying to walk up a steep grassy hill covered with dew, carrying that 100 pound child on my shoulders. Every step I take is difficult, I am in excruciating pain. With every step I slip a little on the wet grass. I can't ever make it to the top. I want to reach the top because there I can do things with my sons, run, play, go out, take trips. I want to be able to get out of bed in the mornings and do chores, go to church, cook breakfast for my family. I want to be able to keep a clean and organized house. Sometimes I lay in bed and look at the piles of clutter and envision putting things away, getting rid of things, and making it all tidy, but I can't actually do it, my body won't let me. I want to serve in ministry at church, invite people over to our house, and offer encouragement to other women. I keep slipping and I don't know how to gain ground.

Some may be surprised to read this. I don't look sick. I go to church, I go to events and activities. What you don't see though is that when I am out and about, I am aching to come back home and get in bed or crash on the couch. Some days even just carrying on a conversation utterly wipes me out. You don't see me when I am at home and my kids are asking me questions and I just don't have the strength, so I answer them with "I can't think right now!" Some of you know though, some of you have listened to me talk (sorry, I know I talk too much!), some of you ask how I am doing and try to understand and offer support.

I'm in the process of seeking help from a Functional Medicine Doctor. This week is my appointment to go over my extensive test results and talk about what to do moving forward. I hope this will be helpful. I pray that she will have wisdom and offer me good advice. I believe the Lord has told me I need to slow down, I have been doing too much and need to take a period of time to rest. I've also found a Christian support group for people with similar symptoms and I am really excited about that. I think there are answers, I think the Lord is guiding me. I'm trusting Him to do a work in my life.

Today, I was looking up scriptures to encourage someone else, and I found one for me. Psalm 94:18 says "If I say 'my foot slips', Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up."

Whatever happens, whether I am healed or whether I am always sick, I choose to praise the Lord. He is everything! Blessed be the name of the Lord!