3 years ago today I sat on the loveseat with Silas and turned on the video camera that had been given to us as a gift. It had been just days since we were told he would not live much longer and in fact he only lived 10 more weeks after this video was taken. I might have made an effort to tidy the house up a little if I had any idea this short video would be seen by millions!
I have given up counting now but last year we estimated it had been seen over 15 million times and shared on many many websites and facebook pages all over the internet. I have heard many stories of how this simple little Heaven video has touched so many lives around the world. Subtitles have been added in many different languages and I have heard stories of people who have watched it in Mexico, Germany, Britain, Japan, China, Brazil, Portugal, Peru, Ireland, South Africa, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and the list goes on and on!
I have shared this before but I will share it again. I was asked once when I started teaching Silas about Heaven. Was it when he was diagnosed? Was it when his prognosis became terminal? No, we started teaching Silas about Heaven when he was a baby. We have talked to all of our children about the Lord, about Salvation, about the Bible, and about Heaven all of their lives. We wanted them to know their whole lives that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life and that He loves them so much.
We look forward to Heaven more now than ever. It is a wonderful place beyond what we can imagine now. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those that love Him." We know it will be a place where we will be reunited with Silas and others who loved the Lord who have gone on before us, we also know it will be a place where we will be face to face with Jesus! A place of continuous praise and worship to our God and King! What an awesome thing to look forward to!
Silas on Heaven
How to know God
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
The worst day of my life.
Some might think it was the day my son went to Heaven, but really, in my mind anyway, it was the day I heard the words "no curative treatment".
March 11, 2013. Silas had a follow up appointment for a CT scan to see if he was healing well from his amazing surgery to remove the cancer from his liver and repair his vena cava. It had been a month since surgery. I was nervous because his blood counts indicated that his cancer may be spreading, but I as assured by the doctors that the numbers were probably just off because of the surgery and I should't worry, they would come back down in time.
Silas had a cold, several of us did. I was scared to death that they would not let him have the CT scan because of the cold, they had been planning to sedate him, but I assured them that he could handle doing it awake. It took a trial run and some convincing but I talked them into letting him do it awake. They had already decided they wouldn't put him to sleep, but they were very close to saying they were not going to do it at all. He did great, he went through the scan like a pro with no problems at all.
While I was with Silas, Archie was hanging out down stairs in the hospital with the other three boys.
After the CT scan we went up a couple of floors to the "Liver" floor for our follow up with the Surgeon. It seemed like we were waiting forever and we were getting hungry. Silas had a snotty nose but he was happy and hyper. He was naming the internal organs on a poster in the office when they came in, the Surgeon, the Liver Specialist, and the Liver Resident. I wasn't expecting to see all of them.
I was expecting them to tell me that he was healing well and that it was time to schedule his cryosurgery where they would freeze of the last spot of what they believed to be cancer. Instead I was punched in the gut. They told me that he had 4 new liver tumors and AT LEAST 10 new cancer spots on his lungs. I was floored. My head was spinning. The Doctor said they had "no curative treatment" left at this point but that he had already talked with our regular Oncologist in Savannah and he had some ideas for some chemo options. I was not able to process what was being said, I asked if the chemo options worked if the cryosurgery would still be an option. The Surgeon hesitated and said perhaps, but looking back, I think he realized I did not understand and was just trying to be optimistic. They left the room.
I tried desperately to remember everything that was said so that I could tell Archie. The Oncologist came in and talked with me for just a moment. I really don't remember what he said. I just wanted to get downstairs to Archie and then call our regular Oncologist. Silas was hyper and energetic and ready to go, and all I could think was "I can't cry, I don't want to scare him".
We headed downstairs where we met Archie, I didn't have to tell him anything, the Surgeon had run into him in the hallway and told him everything. I choked back tears. Archie took the boys to go get the van out of the parking garage and I called our Oncologist. He had a lot of information and was trying to answer my questions. I heard him say "maybe we can give him 6-12 months if we try...." Finally I just said "can we just come see you?" Since we were in Atlanta we decided that going to Savannah the next day made the most sense, I scheduled the appointment and by then Archie had pulled up to pick me up. We put on a movie in the van for the boys and sat in the front seat and sobbed quietly.
We had planned to do some shopping and make the most of our day in Atlanta, but the news that, barring a miracle, our little boy was going to die crushed us. We turned up the volume on the boys movie kinda loud so they couldn't hear us talking. I called my mom and told her the news. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I made a couple more phone calls on the 3.5 hour drive home. We prayed and praised the Lord. We decided to stop and visit Bass Pro and the boys had a blast. Archie and I just watched Silas and tried to hold back the tears. He was so happy and energetic, how could he be so sick?
That night we told Silas, and then his brothers the news. Silas' cancer was back and we believed he was going to go to Heaven soon. Silas was thrilled and excited about this news. His brothers were as heart broken as we were. For Silas it meant an end to the pain and suffering, to the needle sticks, medicines, chemotherapy, hospital stays, scans, etc. etc. For us, it meant not having Silas with us any more.
Looking back on this day, I can see God's arms around us. I felt as though He cried with us, not saying anything, just holding us. Psalm 34:18a says "The LORD is near those who have a broken heart..." This is true. Though I did not hear God speak to me that day, I know He was with us.
The LORD is still with us. He has carried us through the pain of losing Silas. I use the term "losing Silas" sometimes I say we "lost Silas", but then I always remember a conversation I had with the Lord when Silas was first diagnosed. I cried out to the Lord and said "I don't want to lose my baby!!!" And He answered back, so clearly, but not in an audible voice "You can't lose him, he will always be safe with Me". Silas is not lost to me, I know exactly where he is and we will be reunited one day. That day seems so far off right now, but I think when the day of our reunion comes, all the time that has passed between May 25, 2013 and that day, will seem like no more than the blink of an eye.
So today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but with God, I know all of the bad days will seem like nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. God is good, His mercy endures forever, all His plans are good, and He is worthy to be praised!
March 11, 2013. Silas had a follow up appointment for a CT scan to see if he was healing well from his amazing surgery to remove the cancer from his liver and repair his vena cava. It had been a month since surgery. I was nervous because his blood counts indicated that his cancer may be spreading, but I as assured by the doctors that the numbers were probably just off because of the surgery and I should't worry, they would come back down in time.
Silas had a cold, several of us did. I was scared to death that they would not let him have the CT scan because of the cold, they had been planning to sedate him, but I assured them that he could handle doing it awake. It took a trial run and some convincing but I talked them into letting him do it awake. They had already decided they wouldn't put him to sleep, but they were very close to saying they were not going to do it at all. He did great, he went through the scan like a pro with no problems at all.
While I was with Silas, Archie was hanging out down stairs in the hospital with the other three boys.
After the CT scan we went up a couple of floors to the "Liver" floor for our follow up with the Surgeon. It seemed like we were waiting forever and we were getting hungry. Silas had a snotty nose but he was happy and hyper. He was naming the internal organs on a poster in the office when they came in, the Surgeon, the Liver Specialist, and the Liver Resident. I wasn't expecting to see all of them.
I was expecting them to tell me that he was healing well and that it was time to schedule his cryosurgery where they would freeze of the last spot of what they believed to be cancer. Instead I was punched in the gut. They told me that he had 4 new liver tumors and AT LEAST 10 new cancer spots on his lungs. I was floored. My head was spinning. The Doctor said they had "no curative treatment" left at this point but that he had already talked with our regular Oncologist in Savannah and he had some ideas for some chemo options. I was not able to process what was being said, I asked if the chemo options worked if the cryosurgery would still be an option. The Surgeon hesitated and said perhaps, but looking back, I think he realized I did not understand and was just trying to be optimistic. They left the room.
I tried desperately to remember everything that was said so that I could tell Archie. The Oncologist came in and talked with me for just a moment. I really don't remember what he said. I just wanted to get downstairs to Archie and then call our regular Oncologist. Silas was hyper and energetic and ready to go, and all I could think was "I can't cry, I don't want to scare him".
We headed downstairs where we met Archie, I didn't have to tell him anything, the Surgeon had run into him in the hallway and told him everything. I choked back tears. Archie took the boys to go get the van out of the parking garage and I called our Oncologist. He had a lot of information and was trying to answer my questions. I heard him say "maybe we can give him 6-12 months if we try...." Finally I just said "can we just come see you?" Since we were in Atlanta we decided that going to Savannah the next day made the most sense, I scheduled the appointment and by then Archie had pulled up to pick me up. We put on a movie in the van for the boys and sat in the front seat and sobbed quietly.
We had planned to do some shopping and make the most of our day in Atlanta, but the news that, barring a miracle, our little boy was going to die crushed us. We turned up the volume on the boys movie kinda loud so they couldn't hear us talking. I called my mom and told her the news. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I made a couple more phone calls on the 3.5 hour drive home. We prayed and praised the Lord. We decided to stop and visit Bass Pro and the boys had a blast. Archie and I just watched Silas and tried to hold back the tears. He was so happy and energetic, how could he be so sick?
That night we told Silas, and then his brothers the news. Silas' cancer was back and we believed he was going to go to Heaven soon. Silas was thrilled and excited about this news. His brothers were as heart broken as we were. For Silas it meant an end to the pain and suffering, to the needle sticks, medicines, chemotherapy, hospital stays, scans, etc. etc. For us, it meant not having Silas with us any more.
Looking back on this day, I can see God's arms around us. I felt as though He cried with us, not saying anything, just holding us. Psalm 34:18a says "The LORD is near those who have a broken heart..." This is true. Though I did not hear God speak to me that day, I know He was with us.
The LORD is still with us. He has carried us through the pain of losing Silas. I use the term "losing Silas" sometimes I say we "lost Silas", but then I always remember a conversation I had with the Lord when Silas was first diagnosed. I cried out to the Lord and said "I don't want to lose my baby!!!" And He answered back, so clearly, but not in an audible voice "You can't lose him, he will always be safe with Me". Silas is not lost to me, I know exactly where he is and we will be reunited one day. That day seems so far off right now, but I think when the day of our reunion comes, all the time that has passed between May 25, 2013 and that day, will seem like no more than the blink of an eye.
So today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but with God, I know all of the bad days will seem like nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. God is good, His mercy endures forever, all His plans are good, and He is worthy to be praised!
Monday, March 7, 2016
Do you smell?
I would dare say most of our society doesn't think much about using perfume/scent/cologne of some kind. Deodorant/Antiperspirant/shampoo/soaps all have added smells. The idea is to smell nice rather than yucky. I get it, but I don't like it. You see, for me (and many other sensitive people), it can make being around people unpleasant.
Most of the time, I just deal with it and don't think too much about it. I go to church, and sit surrounded by people wearing artificial smelly stuff, and suffer. My nose itches, my throat itches, sometimes I sneeze and my nose closes up, sometimes my eyes start itching or watering, and sometimes I end up with a headache. I don't say anything to anyone, I just sit there silently and get through the service.
I started thinking more about this recently. A sweet elderly lady sat a couple of seats down from me one day at church. She smelled very strongly of cologne. I didn't say anything, or really even think too much about it, but then my throat got irritated and I started coughing more (I cough a lot anyway, I'm allergic to tons of stuff). She noticed and leaned over and whispered to me "Is it my cologne? Am I bothering you?" I told her it was OK and not to worry about me. Then she took a water bottle out of her purse and poured it on a handkerchief and started rubbing her wrists furiously in an attempt to remove her cologne. I felt bad for making her feel bad, but I thought it was such a sweet gesture! She told me after the service that she knows she shouldn't wear it to church and was so sorry for bothering me. I told her I have terrible allergies and everything bothers me but I didn't want her to feel bad, I just have to deal with it.
It got me thinking though. I know I am not the only person who has to deal with artificial scents. Even some natural essential oils bother me. I know there are other people in my family who are sensitive to these smells and even more people out there that I don't know! But what if people who are not sensitive have no idea? What if I told them there was a problem? What if I wrote this blog post and someone realized how nice it would be if they eased off of the perfume in order to make life nicer for those of us who are sensitive?
I know I am not going to change the world with this post, but I hope that if you read this it makes you think. Perhaps the next time you shop for deodorant you will think twice before buying a strong smelling scent. Next time you head to the movies, or church, or class, maybe you will take into consideration the sensitive noses that may be sitting near you. Not everyone will think that deodorant spray or cologne makes you smell better, they might just wish they could breath when they are near you.
Just something to think about.
Most of the time, I just deal with it and don't think too much about it. I go to church, and sit surrounded by people wearing artificial smelly stuff, and suffer. My nose itches, my throat itches, sometimes I sneeze and my nose closes up, sometimes my eyes start itching or watering, and sometimes I end up with a headache. I don't say anything to anyone, I just sit there silently and get through the service.
I started thinking more about this recently. A sweet elderly lady sat a couple of seats down from me one day at church. She smelled very strongly of cologne. I didn't say anything, or really even think too much about it, but then my throat got irritated and I started coughing more (I cough a lot anyway, I'm allergic to tons of stuff). She noticed and leaned over and whispered to me "Is it my cologne? Am I bothering you?" I told her it was OK and not to worry about me. Then she took a water bottle out of her purse and poured it on a handkerchief and started rubbing her wrists furiously in an attempt to remove her cologne. I felt bad for making her feel bad, but I thought it was such a sweet gesture! She told me after the service that she knows she shouldn't wear it to church and was so sorry for bothering me. I told her I have terrible allergies and everything bothers me but I didn't want her to feel bad, I just have to deal with it.
It got me thinking though. I know I am not the only person who has to deal with artificial scents. Even some natural essential oils bother me. I know there are other people in my family who are sensitive to these smells and even more people out there that I don't know! But what if people who are not sensitive have no idea? What if I told them there was a problem? What if I wrote this blog post and someone realized how nice it would be if they eased off of the perfume in order to make life nicer for those of us who are sensitive?
I know I am not going to change the world with this post, but I hope that if you read this it makes you think. Perhaps the next time you shop for deodorant you will think twice before buying a strong smelling scent. Next time you head to the movies, or church, or class, maybe you will take into consideration the sensitive noses that may be sitting near you. Not everyone will think that deodorant spray or cologne makes you smell better, they might just wish they could breath when they are near you.
Just something to think about.
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