Cravings

I have been doing pretty well the last 3 months with my eating, not perfect, but pretty well. When I over indulge now its too many pieces of low carb, gluten free, refined sugar free, angel food cake or too many pieces of fruit instead of what I used to indulge in. Cake, cookies, pizza...

Still. I have been aiming to not "indulge" in anything. I want to eat for fuel. Not that I can't enjoy what I eat, but I don't want to eat for the sake of eating. I want to eat to fuel my body.

The past 3 weeks or so have been difficult emotionally. The date marking 1 year since Silas passed away was not so bad, but the week building up to that date was very emotional. Remembering the pain and torment of the previous year. The agony of knowing Silas was dying but not knowing when or how it would happen. The desire for him to go to Heaven and get his new body that would have no cancer in it, but the painful realization that that would mean a separation from him. We stayed home that day and just hung out around the house. We visited the cemetery that evening.

2 days ago was his birthday. It was so much harder for me than the anniversary of his passing. He was supposed to be turning 6 this year. Although it was the second birthday since he went to Heaven, it seemed like the first. Last year his birthday came just 10 days after he went to Heaven and we were still in shock. I cried a lot on his birthday this year. I miss him so much. What would he be like as a 6 year old? He was supposed to be finishing Kindergarten. Learning to read and write. Would he be taller? What size clothes would he wear now? What color would his hair be now? Would it be brown like it used to be when he was little? or would it have stayed blonde like it was coming in after the chemo?

During these weeks of heightened emotion I have been having cravings again. For the last few months I really haven't been craving "junk" food. I was actually surprised that I had come to turn my nose up when given the opportunity to indulge in something I knew was bad for me. But these past few weeks, I found myself craving those old favorite comfort foods. I was taken by surprise, but maybe I shouldn't have been.

I have not indulged in those old favorites, though I have found myself reaching for the tastier of the healthy foods I have come to enjoy, and I am afraid too much of them.

Now that I am realizing this, I also need to realize that I am not really craving food. I am craving comfort. I am craving peace. I am craving stability. I am craving Jesus. He is the only one who can truly offer me what I crave. He is the only one who can offer me true comfort during this painful time. After all, I was designed to need Him and He is everything I need.

You may have heard the phrase "we all have a God shaped hole in our heart". This is true. We are not complete without the Lord God in our lives. When He is in our lives, we experience true joy, true peace, true comfort, and true wholeness.