Cravings

I have been doing pretty well the last 3 months with my eating, not perfect, but pretty well. When I over indulge now its too many pieces of low carb, gluten free, refined sugar free, angel food cake or too many pieces of fruit instead of what I used to indulge in. Cake, cookies, pizza...

Still. I have been aiming to not "indulge" in anything. I want to eat for fuel. Not that I can't enjoy what I eat, but I don't want to eat for the sake of eating. I want to eat to fuel my body.

The past 3 weeks or so have been difficult emotionally. The date marking 1 year since Silas passed away was not so bad, but the week building up to that date was very emotional. Remembering the pain and torment of the previous year. The agony of knowing Silas was dying but not knowing when or how it would happen. The desire for him to go to Heaven and get his new body that would have no cancer in it, but the painful realization that that would mean a separation from him. We stayed home that day and just hung out around the house. We visited the cemetery that evening.

2 days ago was his birthday. It was so much harder for me than the anniversary of his passing. He was supposed to be turning 6 this year. Although it was the second birthday since he went to Heaven, it seemed like the first. Last year his birthday came just 10 days after he went to Heaven and we were still in shock. I cried a lot on his birthday this year. I miss him so much. What would he be like as a 6 year old? He was supposed to be finishing Kindergarten. Learning to read and write. Would he be taller? What size clothes would he wear now? What color would his hair be now? Would it be brown like it used to be when he was little? or would it have stayed blonde like it was coming in after the chemo?

During these weeks of heightened emotion I have been having cravings again. For the last few months I really haven't been craving "junk" food. I was actually surprised that I had come to turn my nose up when given the opportunity to indulge in something I knew was bad for me. But these past few weeks, I found myself craving those old favorite comfort foods. I was taken by surprise, but maybe I shouldn't have been.

I have not indulged in those old favorites, though I have found myself reaching for the tastier of the healthy foods I have come to enjoy, and I am afraid too much of them.

Now that I am realizing this, I also need to realize that I am not really craving food. I am craving comfort. I am craving peace. I am craving stability. I am craving Jesus. He is the only one who can truly offer me what I crave. He is the only one who can offer me true comfort during this painful time. After all, I was designed to need Him and He is everything I need.

You may have heard the phrase "we all have a God shaped hole in our heart". This is true. We are not complete without the Lord God in our lives. When He is in our lives, we experience true joy, true peace, true comfort, and true wholeness.

Happy Birthday Silas!

Silas was due to be born around, well, sometime between May 17 and May 24, they never quite decided on a due date. By the time I got to June the Doctor decided it was really time for him to be born whether he wanted to come out or not. I was really ready for him to be born too! I had tried everything (within reason) to bring on labor myself, but nothing was working.

My mom and Archie came to the hospital with me for the induction while my dad stayed home with Michael, Gideon, and Jason. Then ages 7, 5, and 2. I had been contracting for weeks, but none of them were strong enough to be real labor. Which was rather funny because I actually went into preterm labor with Silas at 31 weeks! They were able to stop my labor with drugs at the hospital. That was pretty scary.

When we arrived Tuesday morning for the induction I was already a little dilated so they started me on pitocin to induce labor. I was so uncomfortable! I tossed and turned, getting up to walk or sit on the birth ball whenever they would let me. I was pretty miserable though. Hour after hour passed and my progress was very slow. I labored all through the night and early in the morning the pain started getting worse. They gave me a dose of a pain med in my IV but it didn't help much. Just when I thought I couldn't make it another minute, and told them I needed a epidural (something I have never had but always end up asking for moments before its time to push!). The nurse checked me and sure enough, it was just about time to start pushing.

I was totally exhausted. I almost felt too tired to push. It only took about 5 minutes to push him out though. I had to stop once his head was out because the cord was wrapped too tightly around his neck for the rest of him to come out, the Doctor cut it off of his neck and then the rest of him slid out. I collapsed back onto the bed completely worn out!

Besides being a 23 1/2 hour labor, it had been a long pregnancy, full of morning sickness too! Although it was not really morning sickness, it was more like 24/7 sickness. I hardly got out of bed the first  5 months of my pregnancy as it usually made me throw up to do anything.

Anyway, as I lay there after giving birth I had to talk myself into lifting my head off the pillow to look at the beautiful child I had just pushed out. I lifted my head and smiled at him and then collapsed back onto my pillow. They dried him off and weighed him and then brought him to me. 9 lbs. 6 oz. and 19 inches long. My shortest , but second lightest baby.

Silas Nathanael Edenfield. Born June 4, 2008 at 9:27 AM.

Archie and my mom were almost as tired as I was. Later that day the older boys came to visit us in the hospital. They all got to hold him, and he seemed as interested in them as they were in him! We had 4 boys!

So there you have it, Silas' birth story :)

I only spent 4 birthdays with him, and I cherish every one of them. I don't know if birthdays are celebrated in Heaven or not, but I am sure if they are, he's had a couple of great ones up there these last two!