Thoughts on friendship

Just some things I have been thinking about...

You can't count on me to be there for you all the time, and I can't count on you to be there for me all the time. I will fail you, and you will fail me. There is only One Friend who will never fail either of us, His name is Jesus. 

I will be there for you when I can be. I still want to be your friend even if you aren't always there for me.

Even if it's years between our chats, or we are miles apart, I still think of and pray for you from time to time. I won't cut you off just because you weren't a friend when I needed one, maybe you didn't know, or maybe you couldn't be, or maybe you didn't want to be. But that's OK. 

I have found that Jesus is always there for me, and He brings people into my life when I need them. Some have been there for many many years, and some have been there only for a season. 

If you should have been there for me, and weren't, I forgive you. I don't hold it against you. I hope you can do the same for me when I fall short. 

We all have stuff we deal with in our lives, and they can be pretty powerful distractions. There is forgiveness when we aren't focused on what we should. 

Although I hope to do my best to be your friend, I know I am going to mess up. Keep your eyes on Jesus, He will never fail you. Keep your eyes open, sometimes people you don't expect - will be there for you, when those you do expect to be there, aren't. I know this is true, I have experienced it myself. 

Grace. ❤

7 years

A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago how I was doing, with Silas's departure anniversary, and his birthday coming up soon. I thought about it a moment and answered that today, when I think about Silas, I am more happy than sad.

It took a while to get here.

For a long time after he died, perhaps over a year, he was on my mind constantly. Thoughts of him, and the loss of him, were ever present and often overwhelming. I was always on the verge of tears. Things have changed though. The pain isn't as raw, the hurt is no longer fresh. I don't constantly think of the pain of his absence, and often thoughts of him now bring joy.

There is pain remembering the pain, suffering, and sickness that my little boy endured, but there is also joy when I remember his life! He was hilarious, precious, sweet, and loving. I think of those things more than I think of the pain now. I hope in time, I will think of the pain less and less.

One day all the tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain, or death, or sorrow. I can see that day coming and I praise God for the place He is preparing for all those that love Him! I'll see you there Silas, I love you.

I need you to know what I believe

I believe in Jesus Christ. Not just that He existed, 

I believe He was born of a virgin

 

He lived a sinless life 

He died in my place for my sins and the sins of every person who ever existed or will exist

I believe He came back to life on the third day and is still alive, at the right hand of the Father God, preparing a place for those who love Him

I believe Jesus is God

I believe these things in the core of my being

I believe Jesus is going to come again and take the church with Him out of the world, literally

I believe in Heaven and Hell

I don't believe the Bible is just an old story book

I believe the Bible is God's Word to us, it is true, historical, instructional

I believe it is important for me to share my beliefs with others, because they are true, and the end times are coming

Maybe the rapture of the church won't happen for a hundred years or more, but each of our lives will likely end before that

Each of us has to decide whether we believe the truth or not

As it has been said by others, if I am wrong, I have lost nothing, if you don't believe these things and you are wrong, you lose everything

God loves you. He will give you every opportunity to make a decision to love Him or not

It is your choice.

I won't love you any less if you don't believe what I do, I just need you to know what I believe, because I love you

I'm not afraid

Sometimes I fancy myself afraid. Afraid of getting sick, afraid of losing my children or husband, friends or family. Afraid of being forced to do something I believe is wrong, afraid of losing my freedoms, or my teeth. Then I stop, I look to Jesus, and I am not afraid anymore.

There are so many horrible things that could happen to me, so many horrible things that have happened to people throughout history, but because He lives, I can face tomorrow! Because He lives, all fear is gone! Nothing that can happen to me in this life can separate me from the Love of God, and from the good good plans He has in store for me and for all of those who love Him! When I remember this, the fear melts away.

What a glorious hope! Nothing can separate me from the love of God! NOTHING! His plans for me are so so good. The trials and tribulations, sicknesses and sufferings, they are all only temporary. They will come and go. What matters is that I love Him, that I am called according to His purpose, that I am obedient to Him and follow Him.

The world may be in chaos right now, but God is still in control. His plan is being played out right before our eyes.

Not being afraid doesn't mean I am foolish. I am taking precautions to be healthy and keep myself and others safe. I am using the common sense God gave me so to speak. I am being obedient to the authorities God has placed in my life. I am not afraid of the stove, but I am not going to rest my hand on the hot burner.

I was thinking this week, how exciting it is that this Sunday, April 12th 2020, may be the day that more people will hear the gospel in one day than any other single day in history! Think about it, nearly 8 billion people on the planet, many of them in their homes isolated because of a pandemic, nearly half of them with access to the internet*. Millions of churches around the world having in person services, and streaming services online. The potential for the gospel to reach people is amazing! Just think of how many people are curious, looking for answers to the world's crisis right now. How many people will click on a church service as they scroll through Facebook, people who would never set foot in a church! With more than 2.5 billion active Facebook users*, combined with all of the churches reaching out and preaching the gospel around the world, on and offline, there could be billions of people that hear the gospel this weekend! How exciting is that!?!

So I am choosing to not be afraid. Yes, I have my moments of weakness, fear, doubt, and anxiety, but when I look to Jesus, when I remember what He did on the cross for me, when I remember what He has in store for me, I am not afraid anymore.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7


*Wikipedia, estimated 7.4 billion people in the world and 48% with internet access as of 2017.
*Facebook, estimated 2.5 billion active users as of December 2019.

Grief and Time

"Time heals all wounds" is a pretty irritating notion. It doesn't.

When Silas passed away I didn't think it would ever hurt any less. I wasn't sure I could go on with life. It didn't seem possible. How could I ever do anything ever again? Even routine things like washing dishes or taking a shower seemed pointless. I wanted to feel better though, I wanted to live, I just wasn't sure I could. I looked to grief groups on social media, those for parents who had lost children. I was terrified when I read stories of other parents who had lost children 10 or 15 years ago and were still in the depths of despair. Parents whose lives and boiled down to drinking and staying isolated from the world. Parents who still cried themselves to sleep every night, years after their children were gone. I wanted someone to tell me that it could get better, that life could be good again.

We went to visit my family in California. While there the Pastor's wife approached me at church and asked if she could share with me. Her son had passed away at 2 years old....34 years before! She shared how she had followed Silas' story, and she wanted me to know that I can be OK again. She said it took her a few years, but she did finally get to a place where she was OK again. She still cried occasionally, but not every day, not even most days, in fact, 34 years later, hardly at all. Mostly on his birthday, or holidays. I found this profoundly comforting. She survived 34 years without her son! It gave me hope. She cried a little as she told me her story, but she was also smiling. This also gave me hope. I needed that, I needed to know that it wouldn't always hurt so bad. I needed to know that Silas' death wouldn't overshadow everything for the rest of my life. I didn't want to hurt every time I thought of him.

A big thing I struggled with was praying. Even before Silas passed I found it difficult to pray. If you know me, I hope you know how important my relationship with Jesus is to me. He is my life! When Silas was sick, my prayers were mostly practical and short. "Please heal Silas", "Please help Silas take this medicine". After he died, I didn't know what to say to God. I could feel His presence, but it didn't feel like He was speaking to me at all. Looking back, it was as though He was just holding me and crying with me. I asked why He didn't heal Silas, why he had to die. I didn't get answers, but I have had a deep sense that this was not God's perfect plan, it hurt Him as much or even more than it hurt me for Silas to die the way he did. It took a long time for me to be able to pray again, but God never left me, and now prayer has become a very important part of my life, and I spend time with the Lord in prayer daily.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds will never completely heal in this life, but some healing is possible, and should be sought. The following is a list of things that helped with my healing process.

1. Space. Archie and I immediately wanted to get away for a while. The very next week we went out of town for 4 days. The boys enjoyed the beach and the pool. It was a chance to have no obligations, no chores, just a chance to catch our breaths and cry. Archie and I cried a lot.

2. Grieving alone, together. We realized the importance of allowing each other to grieve in our own ways at our own times. We weren't always sad at the same times, we didn't always cry at the same times, but we allowed each other to grieve whenever we needed to. We didn't feel guilty that we didn't want to cry when the other person was crying, or mad that they weren't crying when we were. Sometimes we just held each other and listened. The first year was hardest for me, the second year was hardest for Archie.

3. Reading. The only book on grief that I read all the way through was "A grief observed" by C.S. Lewis. We got a handful of books on the subject, and I read bits and pieces of each. They did help though, some. If in no other way, that to show me that I was not alone, others had experienced the same feelings I was having.

4. Talking with Christian parents who were further down the grief road than me. In 2016, three years after Silas passed away, I became very depressed. It started in February around the time of his diagnosis anniversary, and continued until after his birthday in June. I felt blindsided by this depression. I was back to crying all the time. I didn't see it coming, after all, it had been 3 years! Things were supposed to be getting better! I reached out to a woman I knew who had lost her infant daughter more than 20 years earlier. She reassured me that 3 years was not that long, my grief was still fresh, and my feelings were normal. She prayed for me as well. This was a great comfort.

5. Being around others who are travelling the same road. We went to grief retreats with other parents who had lost children to cancer, and we went as a family to camp each year with other grieving families. These were places where we could be free to burst into tears at any moment and everyone around totally got it! It was freeing.

6. Letting myself be sad. Instead of beating myself up for being sad when I thought I shouldn't be, I just allowed myself to be sad. I allowed myself to cry, to talk about Silas, to look at pictures and videos of Silas. The first few years this would last for days or sometimes weeks. Then after a while, just days. Now, 7 years later, just minutes or hours, maybe a day here and there. I learned to "lean in" to grief.

7. Grief share. I waited until 5 years had passed before I started going to Grief Share. It is a support program for people dealing with grief. I knew about it even before he passed, but I just wasn't ready at first, and then other things seemed to always be more pressing. 5 years down the road I knew I needed to go. It was really good, I honestly think everyone dealing with grief should go through the course at some point! It is a 2.5 hour session. 30 minutes for dinner that is provided at the beginning, then an hourish video talking about different aspects of grief, followed by an hour session to share and ask questions. There is no pressure to share, but everyone is given the opportunity. It was here that I was told that when grieving a child, most people will take 5-10 years to stabilize or find their footing so to speak. This also was a great relief to hear.

8. Jesus. He has held me through all of this. He has been there when I couldn't pray. He has been there when I wasn't focusing on Him, when I wasn't reading my Bible daily. He never left me. He has loved me through all of this and my relationship with Him has grown stronger than it was before. He has put people in my life to help me heal. He hasn't taken away all of the pain, but He has not let it be wasted. He has used my pain for my good and His glory. I am eternally thankful. What a loving and compassionate God! I couldn't turn away from Him because there is nothing to turn to. In Him is life.

So time doesn't heal all wounds, but it takes time to do the things that heal. There are many ways to grieve, it takes time, you have to lean into it and let it happen. Believe that healing can happen too. Seek it, but give it time, because it takes time, and energy, and effort. It cannot be rushed, but it can happen. I don't think I will be completely healed from this grief, but I am so much better now! I can laugh, I can pray, I can worship, I can be a wife to my husband and a mother to my other three sons. I don't lay in my bed crying all the time anymore and I am so thankful for the healing I have already received! God heals, and someday, He will make whole. 

Out of time machine

In September of 2012 we were invited to go to Wild Adventures theme park by Camp Sunshine, who support children who are fighting cancer and their families. Silas had finished treatment a few weeks before and we were planning to take him for a CT scan the following Monday to confirm (we hoped) that he was cancer free.

Silas really loved rides and roller coasters! He wasn't big enough for all of them. One he really liked at Wild Adventures was called "Monkeyin' around" AKA "Tilt-o-whirl".  Silas called it the "out of time machine" because he said it reminded him of Heaven, and Heaven is outside of time! (The things he came up with!!). We rode it several times over the weekend. We had a lot of fun with the boys that weekend, but there was some scan-xiety going on too. We knew that scan was coming on Monday.

Turns out, the scan was not good. The cancer was back. Silas never got to go to Wild Adventures again.

Camp Sunshine has continued to graciously invite our family to go back each year (Thank you Camp Sunshine!!) and bring our boys. It has been a fun time to remember Silas and enjoy time as a family. This year we got a huge surprise! A little blessing from the Lord!

So last year, the "out of time machine" was not in it's usual spot, it had been dismantled. We were so sad, until we spoke to an employee about it and learned that they were just moving it, not taking it out of the park. When we went this past weekend we discovered that they had moved it, put new paint on it, and renamed it "Turtle Twist"!! Wow! Silas' favorite Wild Adventures ride named after his favorite animal! How cool is that! Silas would have loved that. Thank You Lord for that smile!

We still miss Silas, we always will. He was so special and I am so very thankful that he was in our lives. I am also grateful that we have come to the point in our grieving process where thinking of Silas doesn't only bring tears, often it brings smiles.

I don't want to talk about Childhood Cancer

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. If you know me, you probably already know that.

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to tell you that kids get cancer too.

I don't want to talk about the fact that cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children, and that cancer among children is on the rise.

I want to enjoy September, the weather changing, the sun shining.

I don't want to talk about Childhood Cancer.

I didn't want to fight cancer with my baby boy when he was just 3.5 years old.

I didn't want my little boy to be killed by cancer just 10 days before his 5th birthday.

I don't like that I have to live the rest of my life without my son.

I don't want to talk about childhood cancer.

I don't want to think about the other little boys and girls who have been diagnosed with cancer.

I don't want to think about how many boys and girls have also been killed by childhood cancer.

I don't want to think about how few treatments there are for childhood cancers.

I don't want to think about how dangerous those treatments are, how miserable they make children feel, or how much long term harm they cause in an attempt at a cure.

I don't want to think about childhood cancer.

But I can't help it.

Childhood cancer is a thing.

Kids get cancer. My kid got cancer. My precious little boy, and too many others, have lost their lives to cancer.

It is too real to not think about, too big of a problem to not talk about.

I don't want to, because I wish childhood cancer didn't exist, but it does, so I will.

I will tell you because children can't always speak up for themselves.

I will think about and pray for the other children who have been diagnosed.

I will think about those who have lost their lives, and I will pray for their families.

I will always remember my son, Silas Nathanael.

I will tell you, kids get cancer. Everyday, everywhere.

I will tell you that you and I should take every opportunity to make others aware.

I will tell you that we need more funding for research so that we can discover safer and more effective treatments.

I will tell you that everyone, even you, can do something to help.

Father God, I hate childhood cancer. I know You do too. Please be near all of those fighting this beast right now. Bring them peace and comfort. Give them the right doctors and treatments to help them recover. Please use these devastating situations to open eyes to see You, and to bring hope. Bring the church to rally around those fighting this, to offer support during these dark times. Bring healing. In Jesus name. Amen.

My first Wal-Mart Pick-up experience

If you asked me what my favorite grocery store is, I would be pretty quick to say "Costco", but I live in a small town and the nearest Costco is over 2 hours from here. Wal-mart is generally my go-to for the majority of my grocery shopping, though I occasionally shop elsewhere.

In recent years I have struggled with widespread pain and chronic fatigue. Sometimes I put off grocery shopping, or send one of my kids with a list. Other times I go myself and just push through it, but usually crash when I get home. Once in a while I feel fine and am able to get groceries without too much difficulty, but in general, grocery shopping is a big chore for me. Oh, and did I mention, I have THREE teenage sons?! I have heard teen girls eat a lot too, but it is hard to believe anyone eats as much as teen boys! Sometimes I will shop for the whole week, and four days later I will hear "We're out of groceries! There is nothing to eat!" While this usually isn't entirely true, we are often out of a lot more than I anticipated half way through the week.

I was delighted (and skeptical) when I heard about the Wal-Mart grocery pick-up coming to town. This could save me so much time and energy! I downloaded the app and waited. I waited for my store to show up as a pick-up site. Finally! July 3rd! I started adding things to my cart on the app a few days before and placed my order on July 2nd. I chose 10-11 am as my pick-up time. Oops! I forgot to add something to my order! Phew! No problem. I was able to add things I had forgotten for a few hours still. I found the app easy to use, it was easy to look up items I wanted to purchase, and they even had a list of items a normally buy on the top of the page so I could add them. (Y'all know you are being tracked, right?)

Today at 9:41 a.m. I received a notification that my order was ready. My son and I got ready and headed out the door. I "checked in" on the app at 9:48 a.m. (they ask you to turn on your phones GPS for this so they know how far away you are and how long it will take for you to get to the store). They estimated my arrival in 17 minutes. It took us 20 to get there. We arrived at 10:08 am. The app told me there was no need to call the number on the sign, as I had already checked in on the app, they would be out in a moment. It took 10 minutes for someone to come out to our car and ask for my name so they could pull my order. She apologized for the long wait and said my order would be out in a minute. Another 10 minutes passed and at 10:28 am my car was being loaded. I received another apology for the long wait and was asked if I would like to inspect my groceries before departing. I declined. I could tell by the sweat on the brows of the people loading my car that it was hot, and when I checked the weather app on my phone I saw that the heat index was 107F. No thank you! I will stay in my air conditioned car and inspect my groceries at home. The Wal-Mart employees were courteous and friendly, perhaps more so than I have come to expect from Wal-Mart.


I arrived home just over an hour after receiving the notification that my order was ready. (If I had gone and shopped myself it would have taken me more like 2.5 hours). We brought the groceries inside and inspected them. I did not order a lot in the way of produce, a couple of lemons, a couple of cucumbers, and some cherries. All were just as I would have picked out myself, except maybe for the number of cherries. I ordered a 2.25 lb bag of cherries, but according to the receipt, I received a 2.21 lb bag and a .76 lb bag. I decided to weigh them myself, and the total was 4.5 lbs! Not really a big deal. They were out of jicama, so I did not get any, nor did I pay for it. There was one substitution, they were out of the 16 oz. bacon I ordered so they gave me a 22 oz. pack at the same price as the 16 oz. The only thing they actually got "wrong" was the peanut butter. It was the right size and brand, but they gave us the regular instead of the "natural" I had ordered.

Over all, I was pleased with what I got and super pleased that I didn't have to get out of my car! Probably not the best thing to sit there running the A/C for 20 minutes, but between today being their first day, and being the day before a holiday, I thought it went fairly well. Hopefully they will get the hang of things quickly and I can spend less time inside Wal-Mart, especially during the Summer!

One last observation. As I add items to my virtual cart on the app, I can see my total. It helps me keep an eye on how much I am spending and adjust my purchase accordingly. While they do try to show you other items you may want to purchase before you "check out", I believe there are a lot fewer impulse purchases made using the app vs walking through the store. Both of these things should help me stay on track with my budget.

By the way, I was not asked to write this review. I was not compensated for writing it either. Just thought my friends might be interested to hear my experience. ;)

Milestones

As of August 2018, all three of my sons that are still with me are teenagers! I really enjoy having all teens, but it isn't easy! Less crumbs on the floor and sticky finger prints on the glass, but more deep thoughts, tough decisions, and life lessons!

Next month Michael will graduate from High School. Homeschooled all the way through and took dual enrollment classes at Brewton Parker College the past year and a half! Michael finishes his classes at BPC on May 1st. It has been a really good experience for him. Just for the fun of it, we are having a homeschool graduation ceremony/party with a few other homeschoolers who are also graduating this year. We ordered him a cap and gown in his favorite color and I am working on getting a diploma ordered! We gifted him with a laptop for his 18th birthday/graduation gift. He is working part time now and plans to work more hours once he graduates. He is saving up to go to Bible College in a couple of years. At least, that is the plan at the moment.

Gideon got his driver's license in March! He turned 16 in February. He is a very good driver, but I do worry about all of the other crazy people out on the road. I always pray for the boys when they go anywhere. Right now, Gideon can't decide whether he wants to be a Blacksmith, or a Chef, or maybe both! He really enjoys both, but lately has been focusing mostly on cooking and baking.

Jason is getting ready to start Swim Team in a few weeks. He is excited for a longer season this year as the last season was cut short due to the new pool not being open yet. This year he will be able to start the end of April. He got a haircut for the first time in 2 years, partly to make swimming easier, and partly because he would really like to get a job at Chick-fil-A in August when he turns 14 and he figured a clean cut haircut would help. It looks really good on him! You can still see a bit of the purple hair dye if you look closely.

Archie and I will celebrate our 20th Anniversary on May 1st. I can't believe it has been that long! Then again, those 20 years have been jam packed with life! We decided to go on a little trip just the two of us. The boys are old enough now to do without us for a few days and we have never really gone away by ourselves more than a day or two. I am really looking forward to it! 💕

A year of prayer

Tomorrow marks 1 year since I joined the prayer room ministry at my church. I didn't make it every week, but I did manage to make it 38 weeks out of the year!

I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing it has been in my life. I go and spend an hour in prayer in the prayer room, but my prayers spill over into the rest of my day, and week.

In the prayer room we have cards with prayer requests on them, I have taken this idea home with me and made myself a box with cards in it to write prayer requests on that I want to pray for at home. I try to carry index cards with me and when someone asks me to pray for them, I will write their request on a card and put it in my box at home.

I am not always as diligent to pray as I ought to be. There are some weeks that I do not make it to the prayer room, and there are some weeks I do not get to my box at home, but I have probably spent more time in intentional prayer than any year before. It has been such a blessing in my life, I cannot recommend it enough! Take time to pray, God will use it in your life, and you will be blessed!

Pray more

As I wrote about before, I spend an hour each week at the church in prayer. I pray often throughout the week, but I want to be more intentional about praying. I want to spend longer periods of time praying during the week, not just my hour at church.

Recently I posted on Facebook offering to pray for my friends. I had several responses both on the post and through private messaging. I prayed for every one of them! I have also tried to make a point to pray any time I see someone post on social media asking for prayer. This is quite a challenge! Some of these prayer requests are for immediate needs, some are for more long term issues.

I decided to start my own prayer list at home, like one that we have at the church. I have a box with index cards in it. One prayer request on each card. Whenever someone asks me to pray about something, I can add a card to the box. Each day that I pray for these requests, I mark it with the date. My hope is that as these requests are answered I can move them to an "answered" box, to remind me of answered prayers. I may, perhaps in some cases, even give the card to the person I was praying for after the prayer has been answered.

The picture below is of the stack of index cards I am going to use, along with my prayer journal that I write prayers in (not all of my prayers, but some). It is on my bed near my pillow. I spend a lot of time in bed because of fatigue and pain, but it is a great place to pray!

I don't want to be sick, but I can see how God has used my illness to teach me and grow me, and I am very thankful for that. I have learned things through illness that I don't think I would have learned any other way. Praise the Lord!

My prayers aren't anything special, just me talking to God, but if you would like me to join you in prayer for something, feel free to let me know, and I will be happy to pray!

What am I here for? Part 3

I am here to seek God's kingdom, and His righteousness first, I am here to share the gospel with others, I am here to pray, praise God, rest...

6. Be a "helpmeet" to Archie. What does that mean to me? It means that I love Archie. I respect him. I support him. I encourage him in his walk with the Lord, in his work, in every area of his life. I pray for him. I challenge him to be who God wants him to be. We are a team, we work together to build our marriage, and our family. I am there for him when he needs me. I work to be understanding and forgiving. I make an effort to learn how to be there for him in every way that I can be. I want our relationship to be a beautiful representation of the relationship of Christ and His Church.

Ephesians 5:31-32 "'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church."

7. Raise my sons. What a huge blessing to have given birth to 4 beautiful sons! When Archie and I first married, I remember the women in the house talking about whether or not Archie and I would have boys or girls, the decided we would have "mostly" boys. They were "mostly" right, we had ALL boys! Although Silas is no longer with us, we did get to raise him for nearly 5 years, and I am so thankful that he was here for that short time. Now to get the other three raised!

Parenting boys has been one of the biggest challenges in my life for sure. It has been messy, disgusting, hard, exhausting, hilarious, precious, sweet, and very worthwhile.

Michael will be 18 in a few months. I often call him the man-child, he is a mixture of maturity and childishness, both man and boy at the same time. I see so much potential in him! Gideon at 15 is level headed and calm. He loves working with his hands and he doesn't let much bother him. Jason has been a huge challenge for me! (Shh, don't tell him, but I think he might be smarter than me). He will be 13 in 2 months. He thinks outside the box, he is a problem solver, and he has a very strong will!

I want my boys to succeed in life. I hope they all marry and have families one day, I hope they find careers that they enjoy, but more than anything else, I want them all to love Jesus and be completely devoted to Him.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart, you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

8. Encourage other women. I have had a desire to do this for many years, since my oldest two sons were very small. It is another thing I haven't always done, but it is something I am learning to be more intentional about. Though there may be some gentlemen that read this blog, in my mind, I am writing to encourage other women. (Though I hope it is encouraging to anyone who reads!).

Women need so much encouragement, we need encouragement in work, in marriage, in raising children, in navigating relationships, in homemaking, in homeschooling, in taking care of our health,.... the list goes on and on. Most importantly though, we need to encourage each other to keep our eyes on Jesus, to walk with Him and talk with Him daily. This life is so busy, and it is so VERY easy to get off track, we need to take time to connect with other women in order to build each other up. We need to be there for each other. I want to do that.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 "Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing."
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So these are the reasons I am here, these are the things I know I am supposed to be doing. Seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, sharing the gospel with others, praying, praising, resting, being a helpmeet to my husband, raising my children, and encouraging other women. This is enough! I don't do all of these things perfectly all of the time, but I am growing. God is faithful, and if I trust and obey, He will do the work, and He will be glorified in my life.

What am I here for? Part 2

I am here to seek God's kingdom, and His righteousness first, I am here to share the gospel with others....

3. Pray. God has made a way for us to communicate with Him and He hears us, this is such a gift! I won't go into a lot of detail about my personal calling to pray in this post, but you can read about it here. Prayer isn't just a way for us to tell God things or ask God for things, it is a way for God to do His work in us. It is such a blessing!

Matthew 6:6 "But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father, who sees in secret will reward you openly."

4. Praise God! Not only should I praise Him because He loves me, and has saved me from sin with His own blood, but I should also praise Him continually because He is worthy of all praise! I was made to praise Him and in doing so I find fulfillment. I can praise Him in song, in dance, in work, in the way I live. There is a song from my childhood that sums it up...

In my life Lord, be glorified, be glorified.
In my life Lord, be glorified today.

Revelation 4:11 "You are worth O Lord to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created."

Psalm 150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the LORD, Praise the LORD!"

5. Rest. With the health struggles I have had over the past few years, physical rest has become something that I have to do now. I talk about this here. Regular time for rest is an idea the Lord came up with when He created the Sabbath! He knew we needed rest! We function better when we take the time we need to rest. There is another kind of rest too though, resting in the Lord. Resting in the knowledge that He is in control, that He is working for my good, and that He loves me no matter what.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden light."

If I am so busy with the cares of this world, if I am so busy doing things, even good things, that I am not taking time to rest and listen and learn from the Lord, then I am missing out on what is most important. My physical limitations are teaching me a lot and I am learning to thank God for them, (though I still hope to be well one day).

Continued in part 3

What am I here for? Part 1

The Westminster Catechism begins with the question...

What is the chief end of man?

and the answer is...

Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.
________________________________________________________

Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do with my life?

I am fairly confident that most people ask these or similar questions at some point in their lives. I know I have! In fact, I have probably asked these questions a number of times throughout my life so far. As a believer though, I think the questions should be a little different...

What is the Lord's will for me? How can I glorify God with the life God has given me? 

After all, I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, He paid for my life with His blood, I belong to Him!

Recently during a church service I wrote down a list of 8 things I know God has called me to. Some of them He clearly showed me a long time ago, and some more recently. I have wrestled with what order these things should go in, but no matter what order I put them in, it doesn't seem quite right. So in no particular order, here are some things God has showed me.

1. Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness.

Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."

This was the verse that God gave me for 2017. A verse to focus on for the year, to meditate on.

I should be seeking things that are of eternal value such as a right relationship with the Lord, sharing the good news of Jesus with others, teaching my children about God and His Word, studying the Word myself, and fellowshipping with other believers. I shouldn't be worrying about things I need or want. God knows what I really need, and He will provide. So much of what I worry about, does not have eternal value. I need to lay all that aside and trust the Lord.

2. Share the Gospel. 

Matthew 28:19-20 says "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen.

Mark 16:15 is similar, "And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature."

When I was 17 years old I really wanted to go on a missions trip with Teen Missions International. I was praying about it and ready to send out my application. I wanted to be sure though, so I asked the Lord to show me from scripture that this was something He wanted me to do. Only moments later I looked up, and hanging on the back of the door was a sweat shirt with Mark 16:15 printed on the back! I sent out my application the next day. I went to Australia with Teen Missions that Summer of 1995 and it had a huge impact on my life! I committed to serve the Lord with my life during that time, and while I have not always been faithful in that, it is still in my heart to serve the Lord with my life, and He has been faithful to keep working on me. (Phil. 1:6).

Sharing the gospel should be something I am intentional about. Knowing God, and having a right relationship with Him matters more than anything else in this life. I should be sharing with people I know, and looking for opportunities to share with others. Sharing with people about my Savior should be something I have a passion for!

To be continued in the next post.

My garden this year

Every year I make some sort of attempt at a vegetable garden. Some years I get food that we can actually eat, other years, my effort is for naught. Some years, my effort is just not enough.

I never plant tomatoes, but usually get some anyway. I really like to have a variety of squash. This year I planted pumpkin, butternut, yellow and green zucchini, yellow squash, and cucumbers. I also planted a persimmon tree! I hope the tree takes, I had one a couple of years ago but it died. So far, everything looks good! I've got blooms on some of the plants and with all of the rain we have had they seem to be growing fast. One year I had tons of blooms but no fruit. Hopefully that won't be the case this year.

I try to get out and weed a little at least once a week. It is too hot most days to stay out for long.

When/if I get some food from my garden, I will be sure and share!

A day in Savannah

Yesterday morning we headed out the door about 8:15 am to make the hour and a half drive to Savannah to deliver toys to the Dwaine and Cynthia Willett Children's Hospital. Each year since Silas passed away in 2013, we have collected toys from our community and delivered them to the hospital in memory Silas' birthday (June 4th). Since he is not here, it seemed good to get toys anyway and take them to kids who can use them.

Silas spent many days and nights in the hospital and the toys really helped. There is a play room where kids can play with a toy kitchen, video games, or any number of other big toys. There is a treasure chest of small toys that can help motivate a child to take their medicine, sit still through a dressing change, or endure some other unpleasant part of their treatment. Some toys are used for therapy, some for diversion. Then there are special toys for birthdays and other holidays that have to be spent in the hospital. DVDs are especially helpful when a child isn't well enough to get out of bed, or is required to sit still during a procedure. One of Silas' favorite things was a tricycle, he would ride up and down the halls as fast as he could while I followed behind, chasing him with his IV pole. A simple toy, can make such a difference. It can bring a little comfort to a frightening situation, and even sometimes a smile when there are few to be had.

Before we went to the hospital we stopped off at a grocery store for some mini muffins and cupcakes for the nursing and child life staff. Though some have moved on, we still have many friends among them! Pediatric Oncology is not an easy place to work.

We finally arrived at the hospital, pulled up to the curb and unloaded the van. We had friends from Savannah meeting us there with even more toys they had collected! A representative from CURE Childhood Cancer was there to receive a check that the Sons of Smoke had given us to pass on to them. CURE was thrilled with such a generous donation! (CURE supports Childhood Cancer research, families of children currently going through treatment, and families of children who have passed away, they are an excellent organization!). After unloading, Archie parked the van and we carried the toys inside, it was like a parade! Some went to the Pediatric Oncology/Hematology clinic, and some went upstairs to the Pediatric Specialty Unit (PSU), where kids receive inpatient care. We visited with friends in the clinic, and took some pictures, and then headed upstairs to take some toys up there and see more of our friends.

While we were upstairs in the PSU, I saw a little boy, probably around 4 years old, riding a toy down the hallway, it reminded me of many times that Silas did the same. While I love seeing the staff who became like family during the months of Silas' treatment, there are other emotions that I struggle with every time we go. Being in that hospital is still very difficult. I want to give hugs and catch up, but I also want to run out crying at the same time. It hurts to be there. It hurts to not have Silas with us.

We left the hospital and headed to get some lunch and go to the beach, but the thunderstorms started and we decided to do a little shopping first. After a couple of hours it was still raining some but we decided to go to the beach anyway, just to see the ocean. When we arrived there was a break in the clouds and we enjoyed the sand and sea for about an hour and a half. I love the ocean! Archie and I only got our feet wet, but Michael, Gideon, and Jason spent nearly the whole time in the water.

We drove back home, and went to bed very tired. It was a good day.

This was the 6th toy drive we have done. We are so grateful to everyone who made it happen, we could not do it alone! I don't know if we will continue to do it every year, but I am glad we have done it these past 6 years. I hope that as the Child Life volunteers go through the boxes of toys that they are saying things like "We needed one of these!", "This is perfect!", and "I know exactly who needs this toy!".

Once again, thank you all so much for making this happen! Thank you for remembering Silas.

An hour of prayer

Many years ago, when I was 20, I felt a strong calling from the Lord to prayer. As believers, we are all called to prayer! The scripture is full of examples of prayer and instructions to pray. Everyone has different things they are called to. I felt like prayer was something the Lord especially wanted me to be faithful to, but I wasn't.

I've always prayed daily. Always shooting up quick prayers about everything, but never devoting myself to serious, lengthy, deep prayer.

Recently, our church created a new prayer ministry. We have a room dedicated to prayer. People in the congregation can sign up to pray throughout the week and spend an hour of prayer there. There are lists of people and ministries to pray for, a place to kneel, a desk, a rocking chair, and printed scriptures. I signed up for an hour a week and committed to be there at the same time each week.

It has been 6 months or so now and my life has been changed! I find myself singing praises as I drive to the prayer room, and as I walk in the door. I sometimes kneel, sometimes stand or pace, sometimes sit, sometimes rock. I look over the lists of prayer needs and pray for them. For salvation, for jobs, for healing, for expecting mothers, for missions, for church staff, for ministries in the church, for my husband and children, for my friends and family.

I always take my bible and a prayer journal with me. I write out many of my prayers! I really feel like there is something special about writing out my prayers. I look back on past prayers and write in when I see answers. Some prayers I have prayed for years and still see no answer, others are answered swiftly. Some prayers are answered in ways I would have never expected.

When my son Silas was sick, I struggled to pray. My prayers were short and simple, "please heal Silas", "please take his pain away", "God, please help". I often felt during those months that I didn't know how to pray or what I should pray for. One prayer I will never forget, I prayed 6 years ago (the day he was diagnosed with cancer), "God, I don't want to lose him!". Not in an audible voice, but very clearly I heard Him answer me "You can't lose him, no matter what happens". I knew that whether he lived or died, he would be safe. If he lived, he would be with me and grow up with his brothers, if he died, he would be safe in Heaven with Jesus waiting for me. I couldn't lose him.

After Silas went to Heaven, I didn't know what to pray at all. I praised the Lord when Silas took his last breath. His pain was over and he was healed forever. After that though, I did not pray much for months. I would still shoot up the occasional "Lord help me!" but I really didn't know what to say to God. I wasn't mad at Him, I was grieving and I was at a loss for words.

Since then, the Lord has slowly been teaching me how to pray again. This prayer room ministry has been so helpful in that process! I find that I am more mindful to take everything to the Lord, not just during my weekly prayer hour, but throughout the whole week! When I leave the prayer room after my hour, I find I am either singing praises, or continuing to pray as I leave. I find myself praying much of the rest of the day! These days, when I stop and just listen, there is a song of praise going through my head.

When people ask me to pray for them, not only do I pray for them almost immediately, but I also ask the Lord to remind me to pray for them, and He does!

I am so thankful for this prayer ministry, and even more, I am thankful that God has made a way for me to come before Him in prayer! Praising Him, thanking Him, sharing my life with Him, interceeding, and making requests. What a privilege! What a joy!

Healing

I know what it means to be healed. When I was 17 I developed chronic tendonitis in both wrists, first the left, then the right. I had to wear braces on my wrists and took lots of ibuprofen (a regret now, even though it was prescribed by a doctor at the time). This went on for 10 years! I wore my braces often, took my ibuprofen, and had to take frequent breaks from writing, dishes, folding laundry, etc. I also prayed for healing. When I was 27 years old, I was pregnant with Jason, and at a women's retreat, when I realized that I was healed! I still have weak wrists, but no more need for braces or rest for sore wrists. It has been almost 13 years since then and I can't even remember the last flare up! I am not sure why God chose to heal me, perhaps so I could write, perhaps because I asked, I don't know, but I praise Him for it!

I have seen others healed of many things. I have seen people defy all odds and recover from serious injury and illness. I have also seen a different kind of healing, where God took my son home to Heaven for ultimate healing, where he will never suffer anything again.

Sometimes though, suffering isn't relieved. Not here anyway. Sometimes pain goes on and on until a person leaves this earth. We are never promised a life free of pain and suffering, nor are we promised happiness and roses every day of our lives. This doesn't mean we shouldn't pray earnestly for healing, I do think it means we need to trust God with when and how He heals or doesn't heal.

What is more important than physical healing, is spiritual healing. Entering into a right relationship with the Healer of our sin sick souls, the One who can take away our sins and set us free. While He doesn't always heal us physically on this earth, we are promised ultimate healing one day in Heaven. Whether or not He chooses to heal us physically on earth, has everything to do with His ultimate goal of bringing about our good and His glory. I have to trust that everything He does is for this purpose.

So really, whether I am physically healed or not in this life should not be my main concern. My main concern should be worshiping the God who created me, living for His glory, doing what He has asked me to do. He knows my limitations. When I feel my burden become heavy, I must ask, what I have picked up from this world, what do I need to put down, because His yolk is easy and His burden is light.

Happy 10th Birthday Silas!

Today you would be 10 years old.

When you were here you like Legos, Go Diego Go, Power Rangers, Angry Birds, and Sea Turtles.

You enjoyed painting (from bird houses to your fingernails), swimming, making jokes, and playing with your brothers, especially Jason.

You liked to eat pizza with black olives, Capri Suns, Oreos, and Orange Gatorade.

Your favorite song was "Our God is Greater".

Your favorite colors were Gold, Blue, Red, and Yellow, in that order.

It has been 5 years since then. I don't know what you would have liked now. Would you still be playing with Legos? Would you be into video games now like your big brothers? Would you love reading like Michael? Or working with your hands like Gideon? Maybe you would be into role playing with Jason and the two of you would spend hours outside playing out what ever story you had invented.

While I am sad you are not here, and I don't know the 10 year old you, I am so happy that you were here. I am comforted that you are in Heaven with Jesus now, and someday, we will be together again.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Silas. We miss you. We love you.

Growing up

Being an adult is not how I imagined it. When I was little, it seemed that adults always knew exactly what they were doing. They took care of everything and always had answers for the problems I brought to them.

I suppose that now, at 40, married with 4 children, I am considered an adult. However, I feel far from knowing what I am doing, or having any answers. In truth, I often feel like I am just pretending to be grown up. Making my best guesses most of the time about what I should do and how I should do it. Hoping no one sees the little girl I often still feel that I am.

The biggest pet peeve I have is when people don't do what they are supposed to do. I realize it isn't always easy to know what you are supposed to do, but sometimes it is, and even in those easy times, we don't always do what we are supposed to. It makes me angry when people don't just do what they should, but it makes me even more angry when I don't do what I know I should.

Paul comes to mind when he said in Romans 7. I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I want to do. Sometimes being a grown up seems so complicated. Things don't always turn out how I want them to.

"I want...." So much of life seems to be about figuring out what "I want", but should it be? I don't think so. I don't think life should be about figuring out what I want. It isn't all about me. Yes, I am special to God. I am a chosen daughter of the King, but that doesn't mean my life is about figuring out what I want and doing it. Life should be about glorifying God. Taking things as they come and looking at everything through the lens of "how can I bring glory to God in this", and then doing that!

It isn't always easy to trust the Lord, but it is always the best thing. It isn't always easy to see how we can glorify God in a situation, but it can be done through a close relationship with Him.