Healing

I know what it means to be healed. When I was 17 I developed chronic tendonitis in both wrists, first the left, then the right. I had to wear braces on my wrists and took lots of ibuprofen (a regret now, even though it was prescribed by a doctor at the time). This went on for 10 years! I wore my braces often, took my ibuprofen, and had to take frequent breaks from writing, dishes, folding laundry, etc. I also prayed for healing. When I was 27 years old, I was pregnant with Jason, and at a women's retreat, when I realized that I was healed! I still have weak wrists, but no more need for braces or rest for sore wrists. It has been almost 13 years since then and I can't even remember the last flare up! I am not sure why God chose to heal me, perhaps so I could write, perhaps because I asked, I don't know, but I praise Him for it!

I have seen others healed of many things. I have seen people defy all odds and recover from serious injury and illness. I have also seen a different kind of healing, where God took my son home to Heaven for ultimate healing, where he will never suffer anything again.

Sometimes though, suffering isn't relieved. Not here anyway. Sometimes pain goes on and on until a person leaves this earth. We are never promised a life free of pain and suffering, nor are we promised happiness and roses every day of our lives. This doesn't mean we shouldn't pray earnestly for healing, I do think it means we need to trust God with when and how He heals or doesn't heal.

What is more important than physical healing, is spiritual healing. Entering into a right relationship with the Healer of our sin sick souls, the One who can take away our sins and set us free. While He doesn't always heal us physically on this earth, we are promised ultimate healing one day in Heaven. Whether or not He chooses to heal us physically on earth, has everything to do with His ultimate goal of bringing about our good and His glory. I have to trust that everything He does is for this purpose.

So really, whether I am physically healed or not in this life should not be my main concern. My main concern should be worshiping the God who created me, living for His glory, doing what He has asked me to do. He knows my limitations. When I feel my burden become heavy, I must ask, what I have picked up from this world, what do I need to put down, because His yolk is easy and His burden is light.

Happy 10th Birthday Silas!

Today you would be 10 years old.

When you were here you like Legos, Go Diego Go, Power Rangers, Angry Birds, and Sea Turtles.

You enjoyed painting (from bird houses to your fingernails), swimming, making jokes, and playing with your brothers, especially Jason.

You liked to eat pizza with black olives, Capri Suns, Oreos, and Orange Gatorade.

Your favorite song was "Our God is Greater".

Your favorite colors were Gold, Blue, Red, and Yellow, in that order.

It has been 5 years since then. I don't know what you would have liked now. Would you still be playing with Legos? Would you be into video games now like your big brothers? Would you love reading like Michael? Or working with your hands like Gideon? Maybe you would be into role playing with Jason and the two of you would spend hours outside playing out what ever story you had invented.

While I am sad you are not here, and I don't know the 10 year old you, I am so happy that you were here. I am comforted that you are in Heaven with Jesus now, and someday, we will be together again.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Silas. We miss you. We love you.

Growing up

Being an adult is not how I imagined it. When I was little, it seemed that adults always knew exactly what they were doing. They took care of everything and always had answers for the problems I brought to them.

I suppose that now, at 40, married with 4 children, I am considered an adult. However, I feel far from knowing what I am doing, or having any answers. In truth, I often feel like I am just pretending to be grown up. Making my best guesses most of the time about what I should do and how I should do it. Hoping no one sees the little girl I often still feel that I am.

The biggest pet peeve I have is when people don't do what they are supposed to do. I realize it isn't always easy to know what you are supposed to do, but sometimes it is, and even in those easy times, we don't always do what we are supposed to. It makes me angry when people don't just do what they should, but it makes me even more angry when I don't do what I know I should.

Paul comes to mind when he said in Romans 7. I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I want to do. Sometimes being a grown up seems so complicated. Things don't always turn out how I want them to.

"I want...." So much of life seems to be about figuring out what "I want", but should it be? I don't think so. I don't think life should be about figuring out what I want. It isn't all about me. Yes, I am special to God. I am a chosen daughter of the King, but that doesn't mean my life is about figuring out what I want and doing it. Life should be about glorifying God. Taking things as they come and looking at everything through the lens of "how can I bring glory to God in this", and then doing that!

It isn't always easy to trust the Lord, but it is always the best thing. It isn't always easy to see how we can glorify God in a situation, but it can be done through a close relationship with Him.

5 years gone, 10 years old

You arrived nearly 10 years ago on June 4th 2008. It was hot that day in Hemet. I was exhausted after 23 1/2 hours of labor and no sleep for nearly 2 days, but I was so happy that you were finally here and in my arms!

You had your fussy moments like every baby does, but you were such a sweet easy going baby, a happy toddler, and an active preschooler who loved his brothers. You were so funny too! With your put on Southern accent, and very silly jokes.

Then you were sick. So very very sick. It hurt me so much to see you suffer. Even in your suffering though, you had so much joy! You knew the pain was only for a little while. It killed me to see you in pain.

Five years ago, on May 25th 2013, just 10 days before your 5th birthday, you went away to your Home in Heaven. I was exhausted, relieved that your pain was over, and so very very sad that you weren't in my arms anymore.

Part of me wishes we were planning your 10th birthday party, inviting your friends over, and picking out your birthday gift, but I know you are where you are supposed to be. I know the pain I feel now is only temporary, and I know someday I will go to be with you, and hold you in my arms again.

Talk about him!

Don't be afraid to ask me about Silas. No, he's not here anymore, but he is still my son, I still love him, and I still love to talk about him. I love talking about all of my boys!

I think sometimes people are afraid that if they mention Silas it will upset me or remind me that he died. I haven't forgotten him, not what happened to him, not for one moment. So don't be afraid to mention him.

Ask me questions! I love talking about him, he is so special and he is my little boy, the fact that his address changed to Heaven doesn't change that.

I don't mind sharing his story. I don't mind telling you about his cancer treatment (though I do mind people telling me what we did wrong or what we should have tried, there is no changing what happened now). I don't mind telling you about his love of sea turtles, nail polish, gold, or Jesus. I love sharing stories of when all 4 of my boys were together. I love telling stories of funny things Silas said or did, he was quite the comedian!

So please talk about Silas. Please tell me you think about him. Tell others about him. Share his video about Heaven. Don't be afraid to remind us, it is good to know that we are not the only ones who remember.

Home, but not here

Something sad happens this year. Silas will have been gone longer than he was here. He was born on June 4th 2008 and he went to Heaven on May 25th 2013. He was here with us just short of 5 years, and now he will have been gone longer than that. Something about that makes me so sad.

When I meet new friends, especially those whose children are the age Silas should be, I feel sad for them because they did not get to meet Silas. He was so special and so worth knowing!

If I had known ahead of time that he would get cancer and pass away. If I had known the pain and suffering that was going to happen in his little body, in our family. I would have still chosen to have him in our lives. Along with the pain, suffering and death, came so much love, joy, and laughter. Many souls were saved through hearing his story and hearing about his faith in the Lord, this fact alone made his life so precious, so worth living.

Being saved, knowing Jesus, means that we will be reunited with Silas one day. He is gone from this earth, but he is at home in Heaven with God. We will see him again, we will all live forever in glory! Oh what a day that will be! I imagine I will want to embrace Jesus first, but shortly after, I will want to see my little boy.

We miss him every day. Life is not the same without him, but we are so blessed to have had him in our lives, even for just a little while.

What makes a good friend?

To borrow a few definitions from my previous post...a friend is…

• One attached to another by affection or esteem. 
• A favored companion.
• A person one knows, likes, and trusts.
• A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
• A person whom one knows and with whom one has a mutual affection.
• A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. 
• A person who is on good terms with another; not hostile.

After asking around, I also have a list of qualities that people look for in a friend, a few of these are my own…

• A person who is not a jerk
• Loyal
• Someone who is there when you need them
• Sincere
• A good listener
• Loves unconditionally
• Quick to forgive
• Respectful
• Gracious
• Encouraging
• Selfless
• Humble
• Compassionate
• Honest
• Someone who brings out the best in you

I am sure this list could be much longer, but for now, let’s look at these qualities.

A person who is not a jerk - I would define a jerk as someone who thinks only of themselves and their own interests, a person who gives little thought to the needs and feelings of others, an inconsiderate person. So, if you want to be a good friend, don’t be a jerk!

Loyal - I would define this as showing support for without fail. Standing up for someone, standing by someone.

Someone who is there when you need them - I think this goes right along with being Loyal.

Sincere - truthful, even when the truth is hard to hear. Being real with someone, not fake or putting on a mask.

A good listener - listening without constant interruption. Really hearing what the other person is saying. Listening intentionally with an effort to understand.

Loves unconditionally - Does not just love a loveable friend, but loves when a friend is unloveable, when they are going through a hard time, when they are being hard headed, when they make bad decisions, when they act ugly. Love doesn’t necessarily mean that you stick by a friend when they are behaving badly, or enabling them to do wrong, sometimes it means taking a step back, loving from a distance, and praying unceasingly for them.

Quick to forgive - Holding a grudge hurts the one holding it much more than it hurts the person who needs forgiveness. We ought to forgive because we have been forgiven. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that we put ourselves in the position to be hurt again, but it does mean that we let go of the grudge and don’t bring it up again. We ought to be quick to forgive and slow to be offended.

Respectful - taking care to hold our friends in high regard. Not making fun of them or talking about them behind their backs. Keeping confidences.

Gracious - Thinking the best of our friends. Giving them the benefit of the doubt. Being extra kind when they are having a hard time. Letting small slights go.

Encouraging - Lifting up, encouraging in everything, to be who God created them to be.

Selfless - Putting self aside when you have the opportunity to do for your friend. Not just helping out your friend, but their friends and family. Taking time out of your life to pour into the life of another.

Humble - Don’t steal the spotlight! Put your friend above yourself at every opportunity.

Compassionate - Be kind, be considerate, be empathetic. Be there when you are needed. Sometimes it is better to just give a hug, a note, or food, rather than offering words. Compassion is especially needed when a friend makes a mistake, and knows it. Reach out when they hurt, sometimes, it is not easy to ask for help or forgiveness.

Honest - This goes along with sincere. Do not be deceptive. Tell the truth with kindness.

Lastly, be a friend who brings out the best in others! Want what is best for them. Know when to step up and know when to step back. I am having trouble describing this one, but I will say, I have had some friends, who, when I spend time with them, I am a better person. I am more motivated and joyful. Then I have had other friends with whom I found myself slipping down the wrong path, thinking and saying things that I shouldn’t.

It can be hard to find a good friend and it can be hard to be a good friend. I believe that finding a good friend though, starts with being a good friend.

Proverbs 18:24 “He who has friends must himself be friendly. But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”