If you can read, you can learn about anything! Reading is such a wonderful tool and I love reading! I am a slow reader but I enjoy it. In recent years I have mostly read non-fiction. Most of my reading consists of books, blogs, and websites about child rearing, homeschooling, nutrition, health, gardening, home care, care giving, etc. I also read the Bible regularly!
I was a "late" reader. Good thing I was homeschooled! My parents tried to teach me to read but it did not come easily. I remember at the age of 9 being so proud of myself for reading the word "ICE" at a convenience store all by myself. I could read a few easy words before age 11, but it was difficult and I would have to painstakingly sound them out. The Summer when I was 11 and a half years old was when it suddenly clicked. All of the sudden I just got it! I remember we were doing a reading program through the library and I was borrowing books to read and I could finally read them with little help!
2 years later, when I was 13, I took part in standardized testing. I tested at a 9th grade level in reading! In such a short time I went from probably a Kindergarten reading level to a 9th grade level! In my teen years I really enjoyed fiction as well as non-fiction, especially Missionary Biographies. I tell this story often, because I often hear other homeschoolers, and even parents of children in traditional school, worry that their child isn't reading yet at age 6, 8, or even older.
When my oldest son came to me at the age of 3 and BEGGED me to teach him to read, I was a little beside myself! I had always said I would not push my children to read before they were ready. I think my parents handled it well, they worked with me to learn the basics of reading, but I don't remember them ever becoming frustrated or pushy about it. I was determined to let my children learn to read when they were ready, but I wasn't ready for a 3 year old who wanted to read! At 3.5 years old I started teaching him to read using a book called "Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons". By 5 years old he was reading at a 2nd grade level and now as a 15 year old he is a voracious reader! He will get 2 inch thick books from the library and devour them in a day or two. I have actually taken his books away at bedtime so he will sleep instead of read the whole night.
My second was much slower to read. He finally finished the same "100 easy lessons" book at age 11 and even then really did not read very well until age 12. Now at 13 he reads much better though still struggles some with unfamiliar words. He has always had a desire to learn to read, but it has been a struggle for him, much like it was for me.
It took my 3rd son a long time to see any value in reading! He just didn't see the point! Why read when someone else can read to you? Or why not just skip anything that involves reading? Yes, I know those are not good reasons not to read, but that was his thinking and nothing I said could change his mine. He completed the reading book at age 8, but had no interest in reading at all, unless it was to earn a Book-it Pizza. About age 10 he suddenly decided that there was a benefit to him to be able to read! You see, he wanted to be able to read the text in his video games! Now, about 6 months later, he is reading the text in his games, he is reading his Bible, he is reading over my shoulder when I text people (well, only when I let him), he is reading a lot!
This isn't a post about how children are meant to learn to read later than society tells us, although I am pretty sure that's true. Nor does it contain any information from studies done on children learning to read. It is simply a story about how my children and I learned to read, in hopes that others will be encouraged, especially those whose children are taking their time when it comes to learning to read.
Yesterday all three of my boys told me that one of the goals they each have for themselves is to read through the whole Bible. It may take some time (It took me 5 years the first time I attempted it!), but there is no greater reason to learn to read, than to be able to read God's Word for yourself.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Sunday, May 15, 2016
A little encouragement for homeschoolers
I LOVE Homeschooling. I was homeschooled myself all the way through my childhood along with my 2 brothers and 2 sisters. 3 of my siblings graduated from Bible College. My sisters and I are all stay-at-home moms homeschooling our own children. One brother works in Special Education, and my other brother is a Missionary. We are all married with kids, and all love the Lord and are involved in our churches.
I always imagined I would homeschool my own children. It was what I knew. It seemed natural, and made sense to me. My husband was not too sure when I first mentioned it but it took no time at all to persuade him. Our first 6 years of homeschooling were fairly traditional but relaxed. We studied the recommended subjects for each grade but we didn't make our kids sit at desks to do their school work. Well, at least not all of the time.
Half way through our 6th year of homeschooling, our youngest son was diagnosed with cancer. Our whole world changed. Chemo treatments, surgeries, blood transfusions, and almost all of it out of town. Our goal of completing all of our school subjects each day changed to making an effort to do at least one "schoolish" thing each day. Some days I was too tired to have any idea if my children had learned anything at all that day. In my school journal I would mark these days by simply writing "unschool day". It was the best I could do. I had heard of unschooling, but at this point I had not really looked into it too much.
This cancer beast took over our lives for nearly 16 months, then grief took over when our precious almost-five-year-old, Silas Nathanael, went home to Heaven. He passed away Memorial Day weekend of our 8th year of homeschooling. For the rest of the Summer, all of our days were marked "unschool day".
I knew we couldn't just not ever do school work ever again. I thought I knew that. I was so anxious and worried at how far "behind" the boys had gotten in their school work over the past couple of years and I wanted to get them "caught up". My 10 year old and 8 year old were barely reading and I was feeling so guilty. It was a challenging school year. Our grief was so fresh and just getting out of bed was hard. School was so hard and no one was enjoying it.
Our 9th year of homeschooling I decided to have the boys do a free online school program I had found. I figured that way they would be sure to get everything they need and I wouldn't have to worry so much about buying the right curriculum. Everything was all right there on the computer. We also joined a homeschool co-op. The boys really enjoyed this a lot, they enjoyed spending time with other homeschooled kids and I enjoyed spending time with homeschooling moms! We needed the fellowship desperately. The online school wasn't going well though. My 8th grader was on track with most of his school work but he hated it, and my other two were obviously way "behind" grade level. They were learning, but were not where I thought they "should be". About half way through the year, I decided to drop the online school and keep things simpler. We focused on Math, Writing, Reading, Science, and Bible.
Our 10th year started out with me stressing out A LOT about High School! My oldest was now in 9th grade and I felt so much pressure to make sure he was going to be prepared for college and had everything he needed to go to college. Transcripts had to be written, I had to make sure he was taking all of the right classes at the right times, etc. He was not liking it much and I was so stressed out about it. I was comparing myself to other homeschoolers and felt like I was so far behind and unprepared. By this point my 12 year old was finally reading, but my 10 year old was still not. This caused more stress. We continued attending co-op, but I was still stressed out.
Around January I was seriously questioning a lot about our homeschooling. Why do we have to study certain subjects during certain years? Why do we have to study certain subjects at all??? I loved the idea of unschooling or child led learning, or life learning, or delight led learning (whatever you want to call it). I loved the idea of living life as though "school" didn't exist, but I wanted to know, is this biblical? Does this fit with living a godly life? Does this lifestyle fulfill our God given duty to raise up our children? I started reading unschooling blogs such as this one and this one. I was hugely encouraged! I discovered that God designed children to learn! They have a desire to learn about the world around them naturally! They are going to learn even if I don't cram math books into their heads, or force them to memorize poetry. In fact, if they are given the freedom, encouragement, and support to learn about the things they are interested in, they may even learn better! God also gave them unique desires, interests, and abilities.
Suddenly the idea of forcing a child who loves being outdoors to sit inside studying a subject he has no interest in at all seemed wrong. I want to help my children learn what talents and abilities God gave them and help them learn to build on those. I want to help them learn how to learn! How to access the information they need to pursue the projects they are interested in. I want to show them where to look for information and resources on their own so that even if I am not available they can figure things out for themselves. More importantly I want to help them to learn to hear from the Lord and pursue what He is calling them to. I can't figure that out for them, but I can show them how to look to the Word of God and how to pray. I am accountable to God to teach my children His love, and His Word, when I think of things this way it changes everything.
After a couple of weeks of talking with my husband, reading blogs about unschooing, and through prayer. We made the decision to quit "school" and start learning through life! I feel like my world view has changed. I am seeing things I have never seen before. I am seeing how intelligent my children really are. If I looked at a standardized test to tell me what they know I might be disappointed, but when I look at them, my children, I am amazed! My 10 year old is reading now because he loves video games and there is so much text involved he realized to be able to play he needed to read. He is not only reading video games, he is reading the Bible! He memorized over 40 Bible verses through the AWANA program at church this past year. My 13 year old is reading better, and has been brushing up on his cooking skills, trying new recipes and experimenting with flavors he has never tried before. My teenager has changed from a grumpy, angry moody kid to a happy, helpful, considerate man-child! We are all getting along better, there is less arguing, and more conversation. LOTS more conversation! We talk ALL the time!
Some of the best things we have done as a family are not really academic but I think they will have the biggest influence on our children as they grow.
~We always attend church together. Sure we occasionally miss, but those times are rare. Daddy usually only comes on Sundays since he works during the week. We have also been part of AWANA for most of the past 7 years. Perhaps AWANA isn't for your family, but as a Christian homeschool family, Bible memorization should be key. I was in AWANA as a teenager and I am so grateful for the verses that I memorized at that time. They have stuck with me and the Lord has used them so much in my life!
~Bible reading. We have changed things throughout the years, sometimes having children's church at home with the boys, sometimes having family devotions, sometimes simply reading through scripture together and discussing it. The Bible has always our guide for how we do things. It is God's Word! It contains God's plan for our lives and we have always shared that with the boys throughout every day life.
~Adventures in Odyssey. LOL, I am going to sound like an advertisement, but here goes. We love Adventures in Odyssey from Focus on the Family. I remember when it first came on the radio when I was a kid. I LOVE that it is full of biblical principals and truths. I love that it confirms to the boys the lessons they have learned from the scriptures. I love that it encourages both adults and kids! They weren't really interested in it when they were little but now they could listen for hours. So many great discussions have happened at our house after listening to Adventures in Odyssey. (even if most of the kids in Odyssey attend public school).
~Conversation. We talk about everything! We discuss movies, radio, church, Bible, video games, social issues, you name it! We don't listen to the radio or watch videos when driving around town, we talk! I have to say, I love the internet, I am able to answer so many more of their questions much more quickly than I would otherwise. I remember a few weeks ago when my 10 year old came in my bedroom at 11 o'clock at night and said "Momma, remind me who the Hellenists were again?". Yeah, at 11 o'clock at night, I needed a little help from google with that one.
~We have down time together. We don't rush around a lot. Part of this is because of my health, but partly because we don't want to be rushed all the time. We enjoy simply hanging out together and with friends. There doesn't always have to be a schedule, though schedules can help us accomplish our goals. Down time is good too. Time to rest and renew. This is needed every week!
~Fundraising. While we have shifted away from being so busy with fundraising for Childhood Cancer this past year, there are still some fundraisers that are close to our hearts. We do a toy drive each year on Silas' Birthday to take toys to the children's hospital where Silas was treated. This is something we all participate in and really enjoy doing. We participate in a head shaving event to raise money for Childhood Cancer research. The boys all had a chance to speak at this event a few months ago, what a great experience for them, speaking in front of hundreds of people! It also helps them to be aware of the hurting world around them.
There are many other things we have done as a family that I consider amazing and important, but I won't go on to name them all. Now that we have changed our perspective and are allowing them to pursue their own interests, they are learning so much through living life! Setting aside work books and text books has not put them behind, but has helped them move forward!
I no longer believe my children are "behind". Behind what? Behind what the world decided they should know? Why should they be reading at 5, learning multiplication at 8, and algebra at 13? Not that reading and math are unimportant, but I now believe that there are very different ways of learning and that learning to read at 12 is just fine! My children may not be able to recite rules of grammar, but they can have a conversation with anyone. They may not spend hours pouring over text books but they can measure ingredients to make a batch of cookies to take to a pot luck. They are learning life skills rather than useless facts they may never need to know and I am totally OK with that!
Our life has become simpler in a way, less stressful for sure, and more focused on important things.
Today, they cleaned out the van, helped me with the dishes and laundry, and now they are building something or other in minecraft together. In a little while we will read another chapter in the book of Judges and discuss it. Then we will cook supper and probably spend some time outside. It's a Saturday as I write this, but learning doesn't just happen Monday through Friday 180 days a year around here, it happens everyday, 365 days a year, and we love it!
I always imagined I would homeschool my own children. It was what I knew. It seemed natural, and made sense to me. My husband was not too sure when I first mentioned it but it took no time at all to persuade him. Our first 6 years of homeschooling were fairly traditional but relaxed. We studied the recommended subjects for each grade but we didn't make our kids sit at desks to do their school work. Well, at least not all of the time.
Half way through our 6th year of homeschooling, our youngest son was diagnosed with cancer. Our whole world changed. Chemo treatments, surgeries, blood transfusions, and almost all of it out of town. Our goal of completing all of our school subjects each day changed to making an effort to do at least one "schoolish" thing each day. Some days I was too tired to have any idea if my children had learned anything at all that day. In my school journal I would mark these days by simply writing "unschool day". It was the best I could do. I had heard of unschooling, but at this point I had not really looked into it too much.
This cancer beast took over our lives for nearly 16 months, then grief took over when our precious almost-five-year-old, Silas Nathanael, went home to Heaven. He passed away Memorial Day weekend of our 8th year of homeschooling. For the rest of the Summer, all of our days were marked "unschool day".
I knew we couldn't just not ever do school work ever again. I thought I knew that. I was so anxious and worried at how far "behind" the boys had gotten in their school work over the past couple of years and I wanted to get them "caught up". My 10 year old and 8 year old were barely reading and I was feeling so guilty. It was a challenging school year. Our grief was so fresh and just getting out of bed was hard. School was so hard and no one was enjoying it.
Our 9th year of homeschooling I decided to have the boys do a free online school program I had found. I figured that way they would be sure to get everything they need and I wouldn't have to worry so much about buying the right curriculum. Everything was all right there on the computer. We also joined a homeschool co-op. The boys really enjoyed this a lot, they enjoyed spending time with other homeschooled kids and I enjoyed spending time with homeschooling moms! We needed the fellowship desperately. The online school wasn't going well though. My 8th grader was on track with most of his school work but he hated it, and my other two were obviously way "behind" grade level. They were learning, but were not where I thought they "should be". About half way through the year, I decided to drop the online school and keep things simpler. We focused on Math, Writing, Reading, Science, and Bible.
Our 10th year started out with me stressing out A LOT about High School! My oldest was now in 9th grade and I felt so much pressure to make sure he was going to be prepared for college and had everything he needed to go to college. Transcripts had to be written, I had to make sure he was taking all of the right classes at the right times, etc. He was not liking it much and I was so stressed out about it. I was comparing myself to other homeschoolers and felt like I was so far behind and unprepared. By this point my 12 year old was finally reading, but my 10 year old was still not. This caused more stress. We continued attending co-op, but I was still stressed out.
Around January I was seriously questioning a lot about our homeschooling. Why do we have to study certain subjects during certain years? Why do we have to study certain subjects at all??? I loved the idea of unschooling or child led learning, or life learning, or delight led learning (whatever you want to call it). I loved the idea of living life as though "school" didn't exist, but I wanted to know, is this biblical? Does this fit with living a godly life? Does this lifestyle fulfill our God given duty to raise up our children? I started reading unschooling blogs such as this one and this one. I was hugely encouraged! I discovered that God designed children to learn! They have a desire to learn about the world around them naturally! They are going to learn even if I don't cram math books into their heads, or force them to memorize poetry. In fact, if they are given the freedom, encouragement, and support to learn about the things they are interested in, they may even learn better! God also gave them unique desires, interests, and abilities.
Suddenly the idea of forcing a child who loves being outdoors to sit inside studying a subject he has no interest in at all seemed wrong. I want to help my children learn what talents and abilities God gave them and help them learn to build on those. I want to help them learn how to learn! How to access the information they need to pursue the projects they are interested in. I want to show them where to look for information and resources on their own so that even if I am not available they can figure things out for themselves. More importantly I want to help them to learn to hear from the Lord and pursue what He is calling them to. I can't figure that out for them, but I can show them how to look to the Word of God and how to pray. I am accountable to God to teach my children His love, and His Word, when I think of things this way it changes everything.
After a couple of weeks of talking with my husband, reading blogs about unschooing, and through prayer. We made the decision to quit "school" and start learning through life! I feel like my world view has changed. I am seeing things I have never seen before. I am seeing how intelligent my children really are. If I looked at a standardized test to tell me what they know I might be disappointed, but when I look at them, my children, I am amazed! My 10 year old is reading now because he loves video games and there is so much text involved he realized to be able to play he needed to read. He is not only reading video games, he is reading the Bible! He memorized over 40 Bible verses through the AWANA program at church this past year. My 13 year old is reading better, and has been brushing up on his cooking skills, trying new recipes and experimenting with flavors he has never tried before. My teenager has changed from a grumpy, angry moody kid to a happy, helpful, considerate man-child! We are all getting along better, there is less arguing, and more conversation. LOTS more conversation! We talk ALL the time!
Some of the best things we have done as a family are not really academic but I think they will have the biggest influence on our children as they grow.
~We always attend church together. Sure we occasionally miss, but those times are rare. Daddy usually only comes on Sundays since he works during the week. We have also been part of AWANA for most of the past 7 years. Perhaps AWANA isn't for your family, but as a Christian homeschool family, Bible memorization should be key. I was in AWANA as a teenager and I am so grateful for the verses that I memorized at that time. They have stuck with me and the Lord has used them so much in my life!
~Bible reading. We have changed things throughout the years, sometimes having children's church at home with the boys, sometimes having family devotions, sometimes simply reading through scripture together and discussing it. The Bible has always our guide for how we do things. It is God's Word! It contains God's plan for our lives and we have always shared that with the boys throughout every day life.
~Adventures in Odyssey. LOL, I am going to sound like an advertisement, but here goes. We love Adventures in Odyssey from Focus on the Family. I remember when it first came on the radio when I was a kid. I LOVE that it is full of biblical principals and truths. I love that it confirms to the boys the lessons they have learned from the scriptures. I love that it encourages both adults and kids! They weren't really interested in it when they were little but now they could listen for hours. So many great discussions have happened at our house after listening to Adventures in Odyssey. (even if most of the kids in Odyssey attend public school).
~Conversation. We talk about everything! We discuss movies, radio, church, Bible, video games, social issues, you name it! We don't listen to the radio or watch videos when driving around town, we talk! I have to say, I love the internet, I am able to answer so many more of their questions much more quickly than I would otherwise. I remember a few weeks ago when my 10 year old came in my bedroom at 11 o'clock at night and said "Momma, remind me who the Hellenists were again?". Yeah, at 11 o'clock at night, I needed a little help from google with that one.
~We have down time together. We don't rush around a lot. Part of this is because of my health, but partly because we don't want to be rushed all the time. We enjoy simply hanging out together and with friends. There doesn't always have to be a schedule, though schedules can help us accomplish our goals. Down time is good too. Time to rest and renew. This is needed every week!
~Fundraising. While we have shifted away from being so busy with fundraising for Childhood Cancer this past year, there are still some fundraisers that are close to our hearts. We do a toy drive each year on Silas' Birthday to take toys to the children's hospital where Silas was treated. This is something we all participate in and really enjoy doing. We participate in a head shaving event to raise money for Childhood Cancer research. The boys all had a chance to speak at this event a few months ago, what a great experience for them, speaking in front of hundreds of people! It also helps them to be aware of the hurting world around them.
There are many other things we have done as a family that I consider amazing and important, but I won't go on to name them all. Now that we have changed our perspective and are allowing them to pursue their own interests, they are learning so much through living life! Setting aside work books and text books has not put them behind, but has helped them move forward!
I no longer believe my children are "behind". Behind what? Behind what the world decided they should know? Why should they be reading at 5, learning multiplication at 8, and algebra at 13? Not that reading and math are unimportant, but I now believe that there are very different ways of learning and that learning to read at 12 is just fine! My children may not be able to recite rules of grammar, but they can have a conversation with anyone. They may not spend hours pouring over text books but they can measure ingredients to make a batch of cookies to take to a pot luck. They are learning life skills rather than useless facts they may never need to know and I am totally OK with that!
Our life has become simpler in a way, less stressful for sure, and more focused on important things.
Today, they cleaned out the van, helped me with the dishes and laundry, and now they are building something or other in minecraft together. In a little while we will read another chapter in the book of Judges and discuss it. Then we will cook supper and probably spend some time outside. It's a Saturday as I write this, but learning doesn't just happen Monday through Friday 180 days a year around here, it happens everyday, 365 days a year, and we love it!
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Silas on Heaven
3 years ago today I sat on the loveseat with Silas and turned on the video camera that had been given to us as a gift. It had been just days since we were told he would not live much longer and in fact he only lived 10 more weeks after this video was taken. I might have made an effort to tidy the house up a little if I had any idea this short video would be seen by millions!
I have given up counting now but last year we estimated it had been seen over 15 million times and shared on many many websites and facebook pages all over the internet. I have heard many stories of how this simple little Heaven video has touched so many lives around the world. Subtitles have been added in many different languages and I have heard stories of people who have watched it in Mexico, Germany, Britain, Japan, China, Brazil, Portugal, Peru, Ireland, South Africa, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and the list goes on and on!
I have shared this before but I will share it again. I was asked once when I started teaching Silas about Heaven. Was it when he was diagnosed? Was it when his prognosis became terminal? No, we started teaching Silas about Heaven when he was a baby. We have talked to all of our children about the Lord, about Salvation, about the Bible, and about Heaven all of their lives. We wanted them to know their whole lives that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life and that He loves them so much.
We look forward to Heaven more now than ever. It is a wonderful place beyond what we can imagine now. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those that love Him." We know it will be a place where we will be reunited with Silas and others who loved the Lord who have gone on before us, we also know it will be a place where we will be face to face with Jesus! A place of continuous praise and worship to our God and King! What an awesome thing to look forward to!
Silas on Heaven
How to know God
I have given up counting now but last year we estimated it had been seen over 15 million times and shared on many many websites and facebook pages all over the internet. I have heard many stories of how this simple little Heaven video has touched so many lives around the world. Subtitles have been added in many different languages and I have heard stories of people who have watched it in Mexico, Germany, Britain, Japan, China, Brazil, Portugal, Peru, Ireland, South Africa, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and the list goes on and on!
I have shared this before but I will share it again. I was asked once when I started teaching Silas about Heaven. Was it when he was diagnosed? Was it when his prognosis became terminal? No, we started teaching Silas about Heaven when he was a baby. We have talked to all of our children about the Lord, about Salvation, about the Bible, and about Heaven all of their lives. We wanted them to know their whole lives that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life and that He loves them so much.
We look forward to Heaven more now than ever. It is a wonderful place beyond what we can imagine now. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those that love Him." We know it will be a place where we will be reunited with Silas and others who loved the Lord who have gone on before us, we also know it will be a place where we will be face to face with Jesus! A place of continuous praise and worship to our God and King! What an awesome thing to look forward to!
Silas on Heaven
How to know God
Friday, March 11, 2016
The worst day of my life.
Some might think it was the day my son went to Heaven, but really, in my mind anyway, it was the day I heard the words "no curative treatment".
March 11, 2013. Silas had a follow up appointment for a CT scan to see if he was healing well from his amazing surgery to remove the cancer from his liver and repair his vena cava. It had been a month since surgery. I was nervous because his blood counts indicated that his cancer may be spreading, but I as assured by the doctors that the numbers were probably just off because of the surgery and I should't worry, they would come back down in time.
Silas had a cold, several of us did. I was scared to death that they would not let him have the CT scan because of the cold, they had been planning to sedate him, but I assured them that he could handle doing it awake. It took a trial run and some convincing but I talked them into letting him do it awake. They had already decided they wouldn't put him to sleep, but they were very close to saying they were not going to do it at all. He did great, he went through the scan like a pro with no problems at all.
While I was with Silas, Archie was hanging out down stairs in the hospital with the other three boys.
After the CT scan we went up a couple of floors to the "Liver" floor for our follow up with the Surgeon. It seemed like we were waiting forever and we were getting hungry. Silas had a snotty nose but he was happy and hyper. He was naming the internal organs on a poster in the office when they came in, the Surgeon, the Liver Specialist, and the Liver Resident. I wasn't expecting to see all of them.
I was expecting them to tell me that he was healing well and that it was time to schedule his cryosurgery where they would freeze of the last spot of what they believed to be cancer. Instead I was punched in the gut. They told me that he had 4 new liver tumors and AT LEAST 10 new cancer spots on his lungs. I was floored. My head was spinning. The Doctor said they had "no curative treatment" left at this point but that he had already talked with our regular Oncologist in Savannah and he had some ideas for some chemo options. I was not able to process what was being said, I asked if the chemo options worked if the cryosurgery would still be an option. The Surgeon hesitated and said perhaps, but looking back, I think he realized I did not understand and was just trying to be optimistic. They left the room.
I tried desperately to remember everything that was said so that I could tell Archie. The Oncologist came in and talked with me for just a moment. I really don't remember what he said. I just wanted to get downstairs to Archie and then call our regular Oncologist. Silas was hyper and energetic and ready to go, and all I could think was "I can't cry, I don't want to scare him".
We headed downstairs where we met Archie, I didn't have to tell him anything, the Surgeon had run into him in the hallway and told him everything. I choked back tears. Archie took the boys to go get the van out of the parking garage and I called our Oncologist. He had a lot of information and was trying to answer my questions. I heard him say "maybe we can give him 6-12 months if we try...." Finally I just said "can we just come see you?" Since we were in Atlanta we decided that going to Savannah the next day made the most sense, I scheduled the appointment and by then Archie had pulled up to pick me up. We put on a movie in the van for the boys and sat in the front seat and sobbed quietly.
We had planned to do some shopping and make the most of our day in Atlanta, but the news that, barring a miracle, our little boy was going to die crushed us. We turned up the volume on the boys movie kinda loud so they couldn't hear us talking. I called my mom and told her the news. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I made a couple more phone calls on the 3.5 hour drive home. We prayed and praised the Lord. We decided to stop and visit Bass Pro and the boys had a blast. Archie and I just watched Silas and tried to hold back the tears. He was so happy and energetic, how could he be so sick?
That night we told Silas, and then his brothers the news. Silas' cancer was back and we believed he was going to go to Heaven soon. Silas was thrilled and excited about this news. His brothers were as heart broken as we were. For Silas it meant an end to the pain and suffering, to the needle sticks, medicines, chemotherapy, hospital stays, scans, etc. etc. For us, it meant not having Silas with us any more.
Looking back on this day, I can see God's arms around us. I felt as though He cried with us, not saying anything, just holding us. Psalm 34:18a says "The LORD is near those who have a broken heart..." This is true. Though I did not hear God speak to me that day, I know He was with us.
The LORD is still with us. He has carried us through the pain of losing Silas. I use the term "losing Silas" sometimes I say we "lost Silas", but then I always remember a conversation I had with the Lord when Silas was first diagnosed. I cried out to the Lord and said "I don't want to lose my baby!!!" And He answered back, so clearly, but not in an audible voice "You can't lose him, he will always be safe with Me". Silas is not lost to me, I know exactly where he is and we will be reunited one day. That day seems so far off right now, but I think when the day of our reunion comes, all the time that has passed between May 25, 2013 and that day, will seem like no more than the blink of an eye.
So today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but with God, I know all of the bad days will seem like nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. God is good, His mercy endures forever, all His plans are good, and He is worthy to be praised!
March 11, 2013. Silas had a follow up appointment for a CT scan to see if he was healing well from his amazing surgery to remove the cancer from his liver and repair his vena cava. It had been a month since surgery. I was nervous because his blood counts indicated that his cancer may be spreading, but I as assured by the doctors that the numbers were probably just off because of the surgery and I should't worry, they would come back down in time.
Silas had a cold, several of us did. I was scared to death that they would not let him have the CT scan because of the cold, they had been planning to sedate him, but I assured them that he could handle doing it awake. It took a trial run and some convincing but I talked them into letting him do it awake. They had already decided they wouldn't put him to sleep, but they were very close to saying they were not going to do it at all. He did great, he went through the scan like a pro with no problems at all.
While I was with Silas, Archie was hanging out down stairs in the hospital with the other three boys.
After the CT scan we went up a couple of floors to the "Liver" floor for our follow up with the Surgeon. It seemed like we were waiting forever and we were getting hungry. Silas had a snotty nose but he was happy and hyper. He was naming the internal organs on a poster in the office when they came in, the Surgeon, the Liver Specialist, and the Liver Resident. I wasn't expecting to see all of them.
I was expecting them to tell me that he was healing well and that it was time to schedule his cryosurgery where they would freeze of the last spot of what they believed to be cancer. Instead I was punched in the gut. They told me that he had 4 new liver tumors and AT LEAST 10 new cancer spots on his lungs. I was floored. My head was spinning. The Doctor said they had "no curative treatment" left at this point but that he had already talked with our regular Oncologist in Savannah and he had some ideas for some chemo options. I was not able to process what was being said, I asked if the chemo options worked if the cryosurgery would still be an option. The Surgeon hesitated and said perhaps, but looking back, I think he realized I did not understand and was just trying to be optimistic. They left the room.
I tried desperately to remember everything that was said so that I could tell Archie. The Oncologist came in and talked with me for just a moment. I really don't remember what he said. I just wanted to get downstairs to Archie and then call our regular Oncologist. Silas was hyper and energetic and ready to go, and all I could think was "I can't cry, I don't want to scare him".
We headed downstairs where we met Archie, I didn't have to tell him anything, the Surgeon had run into him in the hallway and told him everything. I choked back tears. Archie took the boys to go get the van out of the parking garage and I called our Oncologist. He had a lot of information and was trying to answer my questions. I heard him say "maybe we can give him 6-12 months if we try...." Finally I just said "can we just come see you?" Since we were in Atlanta we decided that going to Savannah the next day made the most sense, I scheduled the appointment and by then Archie had pulled up to pick me up. We put on a movie in the van for the boys and sat in the front seat and sobbed quietly.
We had planned to do some shopping and make the most of our day in Atlanta, but the news that, barring a miracle, our little boy was going to die crushed us. We turned up the volume on the boys movie kinda loud so they couldn't hear us talking. I called my mom and told her the news. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I made a couple more phone calls on the 3.5 hour drive home. We prayed and praised the Lord. We decided to stop and visit Bass Pro and the boys had a blast. Archie and I just watched Silas and tried to hold back the tears. He was so happy and energetic, how could he be so sick?
That night we told Silas, and then his brothers the news. Silas' cancer was back and we believed he was going to go to Heaven soon. Silas was thrilled and excited about this news. His brothers were as heart broken as we were. For Silas it meant an end to the pain and suffering, to the needle sticks, medicines, chemotherapy, hospital stays, scans, etc. etc. For us, it meant not having Silas with us any more.
Looking back on this day, I can see God's arms around us. I felt as though He cried with us, not saying anything, just holding us. Psalm 34:18a says "The LORD is near those who have a broken heart..." This is true. Though I did not hear God speak to me that day, I know He was with us.
The LORD is still with us. He has carried us through the pain of losing Silas. I use the term "losing Silas" sometimes I say we "lost Silas", but then I always remember a conversation I had with the Lord when Silas was first diagnosed. I cried out to the Lord and said "I don't want to lose my baby!!!" And He answered back, so clearly, but not in an audible voice "You can't lose him, he will always be safe with Me". Silas is not lost to me, I know exactly where he is and we will be reunited one day. That day seems so far off right now, but I think when the day of our reunion comes, all the time that has passed between May 25, 2013 and that day, will seem like no more than the blink of an eye.
So today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but with God, I know all of the bad days will seem like nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. God is good, His mercy endures forever, all His plans are good, and He is worthy to be praised!
Monday, March 7, 2016
Do you smell?
I would dare say most of our society doesn't think much about using perfume/scent/cologne of some kind. Deodorant/Antiperspirant/shampoo/soaps all have added smells. The idea is to smell nice rather than yucky. I get it, but I don't like it. You see, for me (and many other sensitive people), it can make being around people unpleasant.
Most of the time, I just deal with it and don't think too much about it. I go to church, and sit surrounded by people wearing artificial smelly stuff, and suffer. My nose itches, my throat itches, sometimes I sneeze and my nose closes up, sometimes my eyes start itching or watering, and sometimes I end up with a headache. I don't say anything to anyone, I just sit there silently and get through the service.
I started thinking more about this recently. A sweet elderly lady sat a couple of seats down from me one day at church. She smelled very strongly of cologne. I didn't say anything, or really even think too much about it, but then my throat got irritated and I started coughing more (I cough a lot anyway, I'm allergic to tons of stuff). She noticed and leaned over and whispered to me "Is it my cologne? Am I bothering you?" I told her it was OK and not to worry about me. Then she took a water bottle out of her purse and poured it on a handkerchief and started rubbing her wrists furiously in an attempt to remove her cologne. I felt bad for making her feel bad, but I thought it was such a sweet gesture! She told me after the service that she knows she shouldn't wear it to church and was so sorry for bothering me. I told her I have terrible allergies and everything bothers me but I didn't want her to feel bad, I just have to deal with it.
It got me thinking though. I know I am not the only person who has to deal with artificial scents. Even some natural essential oils bother me. I know there are other people in my family who are sensitive to these smells and even more people out there that I don't know! But what if people who are not sensitive have no idea? What if I told them there was a problem? What if I wrote this blog post and someone realized how nice it would be if they eased off of the perfume in order to make life nicer for those of us who are sensitive?
I know I am not going to change the world with this post, but I hope that if you read this it makes you think. Perhaps the next time you shop for deodorant you will think twice before buying a strong smelling scent. Next time you head to the movies, or church, or class, maybe you will take into consideration the sensitive noses that may be sitting near you. Not everyone will think that deodorant spray or cologne makes you smell better, they might just wish they could breath when they are near you.
Just something to think about.
Most of the time, I just deal with it and don't think too much about it. I go to church, and sit surrounded by people wearing artificial smelly stuff, and suffer. My nose itches, my throat itches, sometimes I sneeze and my nose closes up, sometimes my eyes start itching or watering, and sometimes I end up with a headache. I don't say anything to anyone, I just sit there silently and get through the service.
I started thinking more about this recently. A sweet elderly lady sat a couple of seats down from me one day at church. She smelled very strongly of cologne. I didn't say anything, or really even think too much about it, but then my throat got irritated and I started coughing more (I cough a lot anyway, I'm allergic to tons of stuff). She noticed and leaned over and whispered to me "Is it my cologne? Am I bothering you?" I told her it was OK and not to worry about me. Then she took a water bottle out of her purse and poured it on a handkerchief and started rubbing her wrists furiously in an attempt to remove her cologne. I felt bad for making her feel bad, but I thought it was such a sweet gesture! She told me after the service that she knows she shouldn't wear it to church and was so sorry for bothering me. I told her I have terrible allergies and everything bothers me but I didn't want her to feel bad, I just have to deal with it.
It got me thinking though. I know I am not the only person who has to deal with artificial scents. Even some natural essential oils bother me. I know there are other people in my family who are sensitive to these smells and even more people out there that I don't know! But what if people who are not sensitive have no idea? What if I told them there was a problem? What if I wrote this blog post and someone realized how nice it would be if they eased off of the perfume in order to make life nicer for those of us who are sensitive?
I know I am not going to change the world with this post, but I hope that if you read this it makes you think. Perhaps the next time you shop for deodorant you will think twice before buying a strong smelling scent. Next time you head to the movies, or church, or class, maybe you will take into consideration the sensitive noses that may be sitting near you. Not everyone will think that deodorant spray or cologne makes you smell better, they might just wish they could breath when they are near you.
Just something to think about.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Fear of what others think
I always feel like I am not doing enough, even when I am doing a lot. Whenever I have a bad day and don't feel well or am actually sick and can't do anything (or only a little), I start feeling horribly guilty for all of the days that I felt well or even just better and didn't accomplish anything!
Mothers have a never ending list of things to do. I am pretty sure it's all mothers, not just me. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing, driving all over the place, grocery shopping, paying bills, teaching children to do chores, cooking, cleaning out the car, gardening, homeschooling (in my case), etc. Then if you work outside the home, you can add a lot of other things on top of all that!
I have a problem with worrying too much what others think of me as well. I think that is a big part of the reason I slack off blogging. I get lots of ideas, I write blogs in my head all the time. Sometimes I actually type up blogs but never post them. Always second guessing myself for fear of being criticized.
Going back to the fear of not doing enough, I think this has roots in fear of what others think of me. I have let other people's standards dictate what I think I should be doing.
How much better would it be if I looked only to the Lord for what I should be doing? If I stopped comparing myself to others? If I look closely enough, even those who seem to do it all have shortcomings of their own. Perhaps having a little criticism would not be so bad for me? Perhaps I could learn things from others opinions or observations? Perhaps I am my own harshest critic?
What if holding back is preventing me from being a blessing to others? What if I am allowing fear of people to stand in the way of sharing with others the wonderful things the Lord has shown me, taught me, and is working in my life? What if others could be blessed, encouraged, and brought closer to the Lord if I could be bold and confident?
Father, make me who You want me to be. Mold me into a vessel fit for Your purposes. Give me a willing heart, free from fear of people, and courageous to do what You have called me to. In Jesus Name. Amen.
Mothers have a never ending list of things to do. I am pretty sure it's all mothers, not just me. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing, driving all over the place, grocery shopping, paying bills, teaching children to do chores, cooking, cleaning out the car, gardening, homeschooling (in my case), etc. Then if you work outside the home, you can add a lot of other things on top of all that!
I have a problem with worrying too much what others think of me as well. I think that is a big part of the reason I slack off blogging. I get lots of ideas, I write blogs in my head all the time. Sometimes I actually type up blogs but never post them. Always second guessing myself for fear of being criticized.
Going back to the fear of not doing enough, I think this has roots in fear of what others think of me. I have let other people's standards dictate what I think I should be doing.
How much better would it be if I looked only to the Lord for what I should be doing? If I stopped comparing myself to others? If I look closely enough, even those who seem to do it all have shortcomings of their own. Perhaps having a little criticism would not be so bad for me? Perhaps I could learn things from others opinions or observations? Perhaps I am my own harshest critic?
What if holding back is preventing me from being a blessing to others? What if I am allowing fear of people to stand in the way of sharing with others the wonderful things the Lord has shown me, taught me, and is working in my life? What if others could be blessed, encouraged, and brought closer to the Lord if I could be bold and confident?
Father, make me who You want me to be. Mold me into a vessel fit for Your purposes. Give me a willing heart, free from fear of people, and courageous to do what You have called me to. In Jesus Name. Amen.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Keep moving forward
Keep moving forward. Fall down? Get back up and move forward. Hurt? Down? Tired? Keep moving forward even if its by crawling slowly through the mud.
So often it seems it would be easier to just quit. To give up and not try to do any more. It would be easier to not care. It would be easier to plant myself in front of the TV and eat junk. It would be easier to send my kids off and let someone else teach them (well, in some ways maybe). It would be easier to just stay home all the time and not participate in Church or anything else.
Easier isn't always better though. Sometimes easier means you don't accomplish anything worthwhile. I have chosen easier from time to time, but it didn't get me to where I wanted to go.
Sometimes I fall down while I am running this race. Sometimes I fall down in the mud and just lay there wallowing in it, but then I fix my eyes on the prize and continue moving forward. Sometime I don't have the strength to get up, but at least I can crawl in the right direction. Sometimes I run hard and it feels like I am getting nowhere, but I keep going forward anyway, knowing, that at the end of this race, I will be with Him, and be like Him, and see Him as He is! That is worth every effort. He is worth putting all of my faith and trust in.
It is only by His grace that I am able to not give up or lose hope. It is only by His grace that I am able to move forward through the mud of this life. It is only by His grace through the reading of His Word that I can see the prize, the Kingdom of Heaven that awaits me.
There will always be things that trip me up, weigh me down, and try to stomp the life out of me. Until that day, the day that I come face to face with my Savior. Nothing can separate me from His love, nothing can keep me from finishing this race. The prize is too great to give up before I finish the race.
So often it seems it would be easier to just quit. To give up and not try to do any more. It would be easier to not care. It would be easier to plant myself in front of the TV and eat junk. It would be easier to send my kids off and let someone else teach them (well, in some ways maybe). It would be easier to just stay home all the time and not participate in Church or anything else.
Easier isn't always better though. Sometimes easier means you don't accomplish anything worthwhile. I have chosen easier from time to time, but it didn't get me to where I wanted to go.
Sometimes I fall down while I am running this race. Sometimes I fall down in the mud and just lay there wallowing in it, but then I fix my eyes on the prize and continue moving forward. Sometime I don't have the strength to get up, but at least I can crawl in the right direction. Sometimes I run hard and it feels like I am getting nowhere, but I keep going forward anyway, knowing, that at the end of this race, I will be with Him, and be like Him, and see Him as He is! That is worth every effort. He is worth putting all of my faith and trust in.
It is only by His grace that I am able to not give up or lose hope. It is only by His grace that I am able to move forward through the mud of this life. It is only by His grace through the reading of His Word that I can see the prize, the Kingdom of Heaven that awaits me.
There will always be things that trip me up, weigh me down, and try to stomp the life out of me. Until that day, the day that I come face to face with my Savior. Nothing can separate me from His love, nothing can keep me from finishing this race. The prize is too great to give up before I finish the race.
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