The worst day of my life.

Some might think it was the day my son went to Heaven, but really, in my mind anyway, it was the day I heard the words "no curative treatment".

March 11, 2013. Silas had a follow up appointment for a CT scan to see if he was healing well from his amazing surgery to remove the cancer from his liver and repair his vena cava. It had been a month since surgery. I was nervous because his blood counts indicated that his cancer may be spreading, but I as assured by the doctors that the numbers were probably just off because of the surgery and I should't worry, they would come  back down in time.

Silas had a cold, several of us did. I was scared to death that they would not let him have the CT scan because of the cold, they had been planning to sedate him, but I assured them that he could handle doing it awake. It took a trial run and some convincing but I talked them into letting him do it awake. They had already decided they wouldn't put him to sleep, but they were very close to saying they were not going to do it at all. He did great, he went through the scan like a pro with no problems at all.

While I was with Silas, Archie was hanging out down stairs in the hospital with the other three boys.

After the CT scan we went up a couple of floors to the "Liver" floor for our follow up with the Surgeon. It seemed like we were waiting forever and we were getting hungry. Silas had a snotty nose but he was happy and hyper. He was naming the internal organs on a poster in the office when they came in, the Surgeon, the Liver Specialist, and the Liver Resident. I wasn't expecting to see all of them.

I was expecting them to tell me that he was healing well and that it was time to schedule his cryosurgery where they would freeze of the last spot of what they believed to be cancer. Instead I was punched in the gut. They told me that he had 4 new liver tumors and AT LEAST 10 new cancer spots on his lungs. I was floored. My head was spinning. The Doctor said they had "no curative treatment" left at this point  but that he had already talked with our regular Oncologist in Savannah and he had some ideas for some chemo options. I was not able to process what was being said, I asked if the chemo options worked if the cryosurgery would still be an option. The Surgeon hesitated and said perhaps, but looking back, I think he realized I did not understand and was just trying to be optimistic. They left the room.

I tried desperately to remember everything that was said so that I could tell Archie. The Oncologist came in and talked with me for just a moment. I really don't remember what he said. I just wanted to get downstairs to Archie and then call our regular Oncologist. Silas was hyper and energetic and ready to go, and all I could think was "I can't cry, I don't want to scare him".

We headed downstairs where we met Archie, I didn't have to tell him anything, the Surgeon had run into him in the hallway and told him everything. I choked back tears. Archie took the boys to go get the van out of the parking garage and I called our Oncologist. He had a lot of information and was trying to answer my questions. I heard him say "maybe we can give him 6-12 months if we try...." Finally I just said "can we just come see you?" Since we were in Atlanta we decided that going to Savannah the next day made the most sense, I scheduled the appointment and  by then Archie had pulled up to pick me up. We put on a movie in the van for the boys and sat in the front seat and sobbed quietly.

We had planned to do some shopping and make the most of our day in Atlanta, but the news that, barring a miracle, our little boy was going to die crushed us. We turned up the volume on the boys movie kinda loud so they couldn't hear us talking. I called my mom and told her the news. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I made a couple more phone calls on the 3.5 hour drive home. We prayed and praised the Lord. We decided to stop and visit Bass Pro and the boys had a blast. Archie and I just watched Silas and tried to hold back the tears. He was so happy and energetic, how could he be so sick?

That night we told Silas, and then his brothers the news. Silas' cancer was back and we believed he was going to go to Heaven soon. Silas was thrilled and excited about this news. His brothers were as heart broken as we were. For Silas it meant an end to the pain and suffering, to the needle sticks, medicines, chemotherapy, hospital stays, scans, etc. etc. For us, it meant not having Silas with us any more.

Looking back on this day, I can see God's arms around us. I felt as though He cried with us, not saying anything, just holding us. Psalm 34:18a says "The LORD is near those who have a broken heart..." This is true. Though I did not hear God speak to me that day, I know He was with us.

The LORD is still with us. He has carried us through the pain of losing Silas. I use the term "losing Silas" sometimes I say we "lost Silas", but then I always remember a conversation I had with the Lord when Silas was first diagnosed. I cried out to the Lord and said "I don't want to lose my baby!!!" And He answered back, so clearly, but not in an audible voice "You can't lose him, he will always be safe with Me". Silas is not lost to me, I know exactly where he is and we will be reunited one day. That day seems so far off right now, but I think when the day of our reunion comes, all the time that has passed between May 25, 2013 and that day, will seem like no more than the blink of an eye.

So today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but with God, I know all of the bad days will seem like nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. God is good, His mercy endures forever, all His plans are good, and He is worthy to be praised!

Do you smell?

I would dare say most of our society doesn't think much about using perfume/scent/cologne of some kind. Deodorant/Antiperspirant/shampoo/soaps all have added smells. The idea is to smell nice rather than yucky. I get it, but I don't like it. You see, for me (and many other sensitive people), it can make being around people unpleasant.

Most of the time, I just deal with it and don't think too much about it. I go to church, and sit surrounded by people wearing artificial smelly stuff, and suffer. My nose itches, my throat itches, sometimes I sneeze and my nose closes up, sometimes my eyes start itching or watering, and sometimes I end up with a headache. I don't say anything to anyone, I just sit there silently and get through the service.

I started thinking more about this recently. A sweet elderly lady sat a couple of seats down from me one day at church. She smelled very strongly of cologne. I didn't say anything, or really even think too much about it, but then my throat got irritated and I started coughing more (I cough a lot anyway, I'm allergic to tons of stuff). She noticed and leaned over and whispered to me "Is it my cologne? Am I bothering you?" I told her it was OK and not to worry about me. Then she took a water bottle out of her purse and poured it on a handkerchief and started rubbing her wrists furiously in an attempt to remove her cologne. I felt bad for making her feel bad, but I thought it was such a sweet gesture!  She told me after the service that she knows she shouldn't wear it to church and was so sorry for bothering me. I told her I have terrible allergies and everything bothers me but I didn't want her to feel bad, I just have to deal with it.

It got me thinking though. I know I am not the only person who has to deal with artificial scents. Even some natural essential oils bother me. I know there are other people in my family who are sensitive to these smells and even more people out there that I don't know! But what if people who are not sensitive have no idea? What if I told them there was a problem? What if I wrote this blog post and someone realized how nice it would be if they eased off of the perfume in order to make life nicer for those of us who are sensitive?

I know I am not going to change the world with this post, but I hope that if you read this it makes you think. Perhaps the next time you shop for deodorant you will think twice before buying a strong smelling scent. Next time you head to the movies, or church, or class,  maybe you will take into consideration the sensitive noses that may be sitting near you.  Not everyone will think that deodorant spray or cologne makes you smell better, they might just wish they could breath when they are near you.

Just something to think about.

Fear of what others think

I always feel like I am not doing enough, even when I am doing a lot. Whenever I have a bad day and don't feel well or am actually sick and can't do anything (or only a little), I start feeling horribly guilty for all of the days that I felt well or even just better and didn't accomplish anything!

Mothers have a never ending list of things to do. I am pretty sure it's all mothers, not just me. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing, driving all over the place, grocery shopping, paying bills, teaching children to do chores, cooking, cleaning out the car, gardening, homeschooling (in my case), etc. Then if you work outside the home, you can add a lot of other things on top of all that!

I have a problem with worrying too much what others think of me as well. I think that is a big part of the reason I slack off blogging. I get lots of ideas, I write blogs in my head all the time. Sometimes I actually type up blogs but never post them. Always second guessing myself for fear of being criticized.

Going back to the fear of not doing enough, I think this has roots in fear of  what others think of me. I have let other people's standards dictate what I think I should be doing.

How much better would it be if I looked only to the Lord for what I should be doing? If I stopped comparing myself to others? If I look closely enough, even those who seem to do it all have shortcomings of their own. Perhaps having a little criticism would not be so bad for me? Perhaps I could learn things from others opinions or observations? Perhaps I am my own harshest critic?

What if holding back is preventing me from being a blessing to others? What if I am allowing fear of people to stand in the way of sharing with others the wonderful things the Lord has shown me, taught me, and is working in my life? What if others could be blessed, encouraged, and brought closer to the Lord if I could be bold and confident?

Father, make me who You want me to be. Mold me into a vessel fit for Your purposes. Give me a willing heart, free from fear of people, and courageous to do what You have called me to. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Keep moving forward

Keep moving forward. Fall down? Get back up and move forward. Hurt? Down? Tired? Keep moving forward even if its by crawling slowly through the mud.

So often it seems it would be easier to just quit. To give up and not try to do any more. It would be easier to not care. It would be easier to plant myself in front of the TV and eat junk. It would be easier to send my kids off and let someone else teach them (well, in some ways maybe). It would be easier to just stay home all the time and not participate in Church or anything else.

Easier isn't always better though. Sometimes easier means you don't accomplish anything worthwhile. I have chosen easier from time to time, but it didn't get me to where I wanted to go.

Sometimes I fall down while I am running this race. Sometimes I fall down in the mud and just lay there wallowing in it, but then I fix my eyes on the prize and continue moving forward. Sometime I don't have the strength to get up, but at least I can crawl in the right direction. Sometimes I run hard and it feels like I am getting nowhere, but I keep going forward anyway, knowing, that at the end of this race, I will be with Him, and be like Him, and see Him as He is! That is worth every effort. He is worth putting all of my faith and trust in.

It is only by His grace that I am able to not give up or lose hope. It is only by His grace that I am able to move forward through the mud of this life. It is only by His grace through the reading of His Word that I can see the prize, the Kingdom of Heaven that awaits me.

There will always be things that trip me up, weigh me down, and try to stomp the life out of me. Until that day, the day that I come face to face with my Savior. Nothing can separate me from His love, nothing can keep me from finishing this race. The prize is too great to give up before I finish the race.

Tough time of year

I am finding it hard to eat healthy lately. I have good days and bad days, but lately more bad days than I would like. It seems like everywhere I go there are sweets calling my name! I fight with myself about it saying "Just a bite", and then "no! Don't eat it!". It has been a losing battle lately though.

There are several things at play here. For one thing, I associate Christmas treats with good memories of years past. I remember that great Christmas when I made honeycomb candy as gifts for everyone. I am also an emotional eater, this time of year brings up a lot of emotions, mostly because my little Silas, who should be 7 years old right now, is not here. I can't wrap up any presents for him, I can't teach him Christmas Carols, I can't help him make ornaments for the tree. This is the 3rd Christmas without him but its still hard.

Another thing is that I've been so busy with activities lately and I have not been planning properly. When I don't plan my meals properly I end up eating poorly.

I have been exercising pretty well lately. I've been working out 3 times a week and walking 6 days a week. Except this week, I was feeling run down on Wednesday so I took a break at the advice of my husband. I didn't want to be too worn out to teach at AWANA Wednesday night. I did work out Monday and today though, and I should reach my goal of 20-25 miles walked for the week this week. That is something. 2 years ago my goal was 10 miles a week and I had a really hard time reaching that most weeks, so I have definitely made progress!

I'm still going to try, even if I fail some days. Tomorrow is always a new day. I know that I can't win every battle overnight, nor can I win any battle on my own strength. The Lord isn't finished with me. He is still working on my heart in many areas, including my relationship with food. Yes, He cares about that too!

Thank you Lord for not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me so much.

Thanksgiving

Well, I overate yesterday. Oops! We had made plans to visit family and on Wednesday I made a few dishes to take. Wednesday night, however, Jason threw up all night and Thursday Gideon was sick. So we didn't end up going anywhere. Thus, all of the food I made was just here, and I ate it. :( I didn't go completely crazy stuffing myself silly, but I felt over full, and that's not such a great feeling. I really really wanted to try to be good and not eat too much, but the change of plans threw me off.

I did manage to walk 6 miles though! Today I walked 5+ miles and also did some circuit training in my front yard. I really enjoyed it even though it was a lot of work, I think I would like to try and do it 3 times a week. It consisted of kettlebell swings, dumbbells, leg raises, squats, arm band stretches, modified push-ups, and jogging/walking. I did 4 circuits total and did about 40 reps total of each exercise. It was really hard but I think I needed it. I may take it a little easier next time, we'll see how I feel on Monday. Right now I am sore. The whole thing took me about 35 minutes and then I spent about 20 more minutes on outside chores. I prefer doing outside chores to inside chores any day!

I am almost to 20 miles walked for the week. I would like to get at least 3 more miles in tomorrow.

Next week my goal is 3 days of circuit training, and 20-25 miles walked total.

Another inch!

My weight is the lowest its been in 11 years (but still over what it should be) and I measured today and am down another inch around my middle! That is 11 inches lost since my highest weight in 2013!

It feels great to make progress. Losing weight often feels like a roller coaster. Down and up, and then down some more. Often its two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes I will lose consistently for several weeks in a row, and then maintain without any more loss for 2-3 months.

I am going to keep at it though. Even though weight loss has not cured all of my physical complaints, it has certainly made it a little easier to move around. I no longer have to lift my leg into the car with my hands, I no longer feel like I can't breathe after walking a mile, and I fit into my favorite coat again.

There are so many things that can happen to a person's body, just because we live in a fallen world. There are many things that I cannot control about my health. I want to do the best I can to care for the body God has given me, so that I can care for the family He has given me. I will not worship my body, it is only a temporary thing, but I want to glorify God in my body for as long as I am in it.