Toys

I am not even sure how it started, but somehow we got the idea to collect toys for Silas' birthday and donate them to the hospital. We did this just a few days after he passed away and delivered the toys on his birthday, June 4th. Last year we did the same, we collected toys and then delivered them to the hospital on Silas' birthday. We had about the same amount to donate both years.

This year we have expanded a little. We started collecting earlier, about a month ahead of time, and we asked several locations to collect toys for us! The local newspaper even ran an add for us. As of today it looks like we have about 4 times as much as we had each of the previous two years and we aren't even finished collecting yet! I am so excited to make the delivery to the hospital on Thursday!

We could not have done this without this community! So many people have come together to make donations for this toy drive, it is wonderful! People don't often realize how much a simple toy can make a difference in the life of a child fighting illness, injury, or disease. Something to hold onto when momma has to leave the room during radiation. Something to special when a child has to be in the hospital on his or her birthday. A little prize for being brave and taking the yucky medicine or being still during an injection. Or something to help pass the time during the hours of a round of chemotherapy.

Silas used to play with action figures in the play room. One was named Dr. Johnston, some were named after his chemotherapies, and then there was the cancer guy whom they fought against. Actually, they rather smashed cancer guy.

I don't know how many years we will continue this tradition, but for now, I am very glad we are doing this. We cannot give Silas gifts for his birthday, but we can, with the help of the community, bless other children.

Thank you all so very much for helping us make this happen, we couldn't do it without you!

Teach them

"Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth." ~Deuteronomy 18:11-21

I was thinking of these verses today when I was sitting in the living room reading 2 Samuel to the boys. We have been reading a chapter of the Bible almost every day for the past school year. I read it aloud to them and then we discuss it. We discuss definitions of words, meanings of names, context of the passage we are reading, and how we can apply the lessons to our lives. 

Before we begin one of us will pray and ask the Lord to help us learn from His word. It is really neat to see what the boys include in their prayers. 

These things are so important to our lives. Jesus isn't just someone we talk about on Sunday mornings, He is part of our everyday life. We talk about Him all the time. We talk about the Word of God all the time. We talk about what it says about how we are to live our lives. 

I wish we would listen to praise music and sign more often. It happens once in a while, but not as much as I would like. It just hasn't been something that I have made an effort to make happen. We did it a lot more before Silas passed away. He loved praise music. 

When we first moved to Georgia in 2009 we had home church. Every Sunday morning we gathered together in the living room and spent some time singing praises to the Lord. Then Archie would teach a lesson and then we would have children's church. Often Jason and Silas would set up a blanket on the floor complete with snacks, and we would have a children's lesson and maybe a craft and/or coloring pages. We did that for over 2 years until Silas was diagnosed with cancer. At that point we felt we needed to be part of a congregation. It was such a sweet time though, and I have no regrets about it. We worshiped as a family, we learned as a family, we spent time together as a family in the presence of the Lord! 

Although I didn't realize it at the time, I believe now, looking back, that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing. It was preparing us, strengthening us, for fighting Silas' cancer, for being close as a family, and for dealing with his departure from this earth. I am so thankful to the Lord for directing us in this, He knew exactly what we needed then, and He knows exactly what we need for the future and is preparing us now. 

Walking walking walking

I didn't walk much after my gallbladder removal in December. The last couple of months I have been walking again. I had a cold that slowed me down, and now my allergies are horrendous, but I'm trying to get going again. I was walking and measuring by minutes walked, but I think I'm going to switch it up and measure by miles. I have a pedometer and am going to aim for 2 miles a day this week.

Each September Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation has their "Million Mile Walk-Run-Ride" for childhood cancer. Our family has set up "Team Silas" on the website to raise funds for childhood cancer research. Last year I walked 106 miles! This year I am aiming for 125 miles!

It is a big challenge for me but I really want to work toward being able to do it. September is 30 days long, If I walk 5 miles a day, 25 of those days, then I will reach my goal.

My plan is to walk 2 miles a day the rest of this month, then 3 miles a day in June, then 4 miles a day in July, and then in August I am thinking perhaps walking 3-5 miles a day at least 5 days a week. Then hopefully I will be in good shape to walk 5 miles a day in September. There are always bumps in the road, but I figure its better to start with a plan than to jump in without one.

I learned last September that I have to break it up. I can't walk many miles all at once. A mile or two in the morning, and a mile or two in the evening. Walking 106 miles last September really wore me out but I felt so good for doing it! I am more than 20 lbs less than I was then, so that should help. I am also eating a lot healthier than I was then, which should also help!

I have decided I am not a runner. It hurts too much! But I can walk, and I am going to.

Things I want you to know about losing a child

I have read several articles written by grieving parents to help people understand what it is like to lose a child, what you can do to support friends who have lost children, and what not to do when someone you know has lost a child. I have agreed with a lot of the things written, but each article I read I think "I would just add this one thing" or "I wish they had said it this way instead".

I will not attempt to duplicated any of the articles I have read, but I want to share some of the things I have thought of from my own experience when reading those other articles.

What I want you to know...

1. No matter how old, or young, a child is when he or she dies, it is deeply painful for the parents. The pain cuts deeply into your soul. It is not just emotional, it physically hurts. It hurts more than any pain I have ever known. Losing a pregnancy, losing a newborn, losing a 4 year old, losing a 15 year old, losing a grown child, it all hurts like nothing else.

2. The pain doesn't ever go away. Ever. That doesn't mean that there is not a healing that can take place, there certainly is healing in Christ. But until Heaven, I don't believe there can ever be complete healing. It's like losing an arm. You will heal, and learn, in time, to live without an arm, but you are never the same again, you are no longer whole. Losing a child doesn't hurt the same way after a while, but there will always be some degree of pain. No matter if you lost your child 2 years ago, or 40 years ago.

3. Dates we remember. Not only do we think of our children on Christmas, their birthdays, and the date our child died, but many of us who lost our children to illnesses like cancer think of our children on many other days too. The date of diagnosis, the date of his first surgery, the date we were told he was terminal. For those who lose a child before he or she is even born, the due date is another date that sticks. These are only a few. Many dates are significant to us. It's OK if you don't remember them with us, it is nice when you at least remember them on holidays or their birthdays. It is comforting to us that we are not the only ones who remember our children.

4. We don't always know what we want. Sometimes we want you to give us a hug, sometimes we want our privacy, sometimes we want to talk about how we are feeling, sometimes we just want to just talk about our child. Sometimes, we don't know what we want. We just want our child back in our arms like nothing ever happened. Please hang in there with us, even when you don't know how to help us.

5. Please think before you speak. It is not helpful to say things like "I know exactly how you feel! My great Aunt B died from cancer too." or "At least you have other children" or "You can always have another baby". These things are not only unhelpful, they can be hurtful. Losing a child is different from any other loss, some say it is the worst loss you can suffer (and I am inclined to agree). Having other children still with you is comforting, but does not replace the lost child, nor does having another baby.

Here are few ways you can reach out to us and offer a little support and comfort.

1. Hugs are usually a good idea. Words are tricky and should be used carefully.

2. Tell us when you think about our child! I love it when I get a text or a facebook message from someone who is thinking of my child or wants to share a memory they have of my child. It means so much that we are not the only ones who remember.

3. Listen, and don't shrink away when we want to talk about our child. That has been one of the hardest things for me. When I mention Silas in a conversation and the other person changes the subject or pulls back and acts like they are uncomfortable. He is my son, he is not here, but he is still my son and you know what? I am going to talk about him the rest of my life! Get used to it. I understand it can make you uncomfortable, probably because you aren't sure what to say or do. I will tell you what to do, smile, and listen. Join me in talking about my son! Just please don't act like he never existed.

4. Pray for us, and let us know that you are doing so. It really means a lot to know that people are praying for us. Especially around the times that we are missing him the most. Christmas, other holidays, his birthday, the day he died. It really does bring some comfort.

5. Give us some space and understanding. Some days its just too hard to go to that Kindergarten graduation (since he died just before he would have started Kindergarten), sometimes its just too hard to celebrate that holiday (it was his favorite and he's not here to celebrate with us), sometimes its just too hard to get through the day (it was the day he was diagnosed). Please be understanding when we have bad days and say a prayer for us.

I hope this helps you understand a little better. Neither is an exhaustive list, just a few things that I have wanted to share.

One last thing I would like to share with those of you who have just recently lost a child, I want to give you some hope. When Silas first died I read stories of parents who were still in the depths of despair 10 or 15 years after their children died! It terrified me! Though at the time I had a hard time seeing myself ever being able to function again. I have since met people, and heard stories from people who lost their children many years ago, and have found a way to keep on living and not only live, but find peace. I want you to know that you can move forward. You can be OK. You can find peace after losing your child. This only comes from clinging to the Lord Jesus. Seek a closer relationship with Him through prayer and study of His Word. Seek to be with other believers who will encourage you and pray for you and walk with you on this road. Allow yourself to really grieve. Don't hold back the tears. Talk about your child and what happened. Find others who are further down this road than you and can help you find your way. As much as it hurts, and as much as you may not believe me right now, there is hope and you can find peace after the death of your child.

The best thing about Heaven

I often think of Heaven, especially since my youngest child lives there. I look forward to the day when we will be reunited. I dream about seeing him when I arrive and running to embrace him. I wonder if he will look the way he did when he left this earth or if he will have aged. But that is not the best thing about Heaven.

No more suffering, what a beautiful thing that will be! No more pain, no more hurt, no more agony, not physical or mental or emotional. All will be healed! But that is not the best thing about Heaven.

No more sin! This is going to be absolutely amazing! I am not perfect, though saved by grace and walking in grace, I still fall short. I say things I shouldn't say and do things I shouldn't do. I confess, repent, and continue on this journey. No more sin, no more wrong desires, that will be amazing! But that is not the best thing about Heaven.

Being reunited with loved ones and other believers. Not only will I see Silas again, but my grandparents also! Not only them, but heroes of the faith like David, Elijah, Enoch, Esther, Mary, Elizabeth, and Ruth. What a joyous time of fellowship and worship we will have together as we share stories of the great things God has done for each of us! But that is not the best thing about Heaven.

We will worship. I believe that not only will we be singing praises to God but we will share our testimonies with each other as an act of praise to Him.

However, the best thing, the greatest thing, about Heaven, for us, will be to finally be with God. To be in the presence of our Savior! To embrace the One who gave His life so we could be with Him. What joy! What perfect peace! What complete fulfillment that will be!

To be with Jesus, forever. Yes, that is the best thing about Heaven.

50 lbs lost

Wow! I have mixed feelings on this subject. I am so happy I have managed to have lost 50 lbs, but sad I ever got that big in the first place. I was in survival mode when Silas was sick and ate whatever was available and my only exercise was chasing Silas around the halls at the hospital. 

When Silas first got sick I was overweight. I had been working on losing weight but it was a slow process. The first time he was in the hospital I realized that it would be a challenge to continue eating better and exercising like I had been, so I determined I would at least try to not GAIN weight. It proved to be too much for me. There was physical and emotional stress to a degree that I had never experienced before. I turned to food for comfort, which was wrong. 

After Silas passed away I found myself well over 200 lbs. I felt horrible. I had very few clothes that fit comfortably, but more than that I felt so unhealthy. Everything hurt. Walking the .8 miles to the mail box and back made me sore and out of breath. 

I tried losing weight the second half of 2013 but only managed to loose about 3 lbs. In March of 2014 I got serious. I was having attacks of pain in my stomach from time to time and I felt like it was a wake up call that I needed to get healthy. In April I went gluten free. Not so much to loose weight but I had read that cutting gluten often helped women with endometriosis. (I haven't decided yet if it helps with cramps but I have had fewer headaches since going gluten free). 

Towards the end of last year I was having a lot of stomach pain, I visited the doctor and the emergency room several times before discovering that my gallbladder was very sick and had to come out! Having it out has not solved all of my gut issues but the severe pain has gone. 

In 2014 I lost a total of 37 lbs. So far this year I have lost 11 lbs. That is a total of 51 lbs lost from my highest weight! 

For the past 47 days I have avoided sugar, dairy, gluten (per usual), and grains. There have been a couple of "slip ups" but overall I have stuck to this diet. I eat veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, meats, and eggs! I have added probiotics into my diet, including water kefir. I also have started taking some supplements for digestion that are really helping (things change when you have your gallbladder removed!) I plan to keep this up for 60 days and then transition to the GAPS diet. (You can google it if you are interested). It's not drastically different from what I am doing but it encourages eating certain foods that will heal the gut and avoiding foods that irritate the gut. 

Most of all, and first of all, I want to glorify God in my body. My goal is not to be a model on a magazine. I want to be a reasonably healthy person. I want to be an example to my children and others who see me. 

I don't know how much more weight I should loose, but I am not comfortable at my current weight and feel I still have a few more pounds to shed. 135 has always been my goal, but I have never been that size so I don't know if its a good weight for me or not. I am losing very slowly and I think that's a good thing (although frustrating sometimes). I am aiming more for being healthy and feeling strong than I am for a certain number on the scale. 

Working

I haven't had a "real" job since I was pregnant with Michael. When I found out I was pregnant with him, in March of 2000, I decided I would quit my job at a day care center at some point in the pregnancy and be a stay-at-home-mom. I ended up quiting much sooner than I had planned because every time I went to work I threw up and was sent home. After a week of that I decided I might as well go ahead and stay home. I didn't just have morning sickness, I had all day every day sickness for the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy.

Four kids and almost 15 years later I have a "real" job again! I think I prefer to say I have a job "outside the home". It's really the perfect job for me. I work at a small produce store. We sell fresh, local produce. Much of it is organic. We also have things like eggs, honey, grits, a few hand made items, and hopefully other things soon, like natural soaps. There is so much potential for a little store like this!

I work part time, Tuesday through Friday. 2-5:30 PM. The school work that the boys need help with gets done in the mornings while I am at home, and the rest they can do on their own. At 14, 12, and 9 I feel comfortable leaving them home alone for those few hours, especially since our nearest neighbors are their great-aunts. This week I have decided to make a point to bring each of the boys to work with me one day a week. Michael on Tuesdays, Jason on Wednesdays, and Gideon on Fridays. We can work on extra school work between customers, and the boys can help me with things like sweeping up around the store.

I wasn't looking for a job but when this opportunity arose I jumped at it! Party because I selfishly want the store to stay open so I can get my fresh local and organic veggies every week! I also think it is a good experience for our family and a learning opportunity as well. I don't know how long I will work, I don't know if the store will be a smashing success (although I hope it will be), but for now I am happy to be working there and enjoying my one on one time with each of the boys every week.

Come by and see me sometime if you are local! The name of the store is Southern Bloom and it is on the corner a few doors down from Andy's in down town Lyons.