"Time heals all wounds" is a pretty irritating notion. It doesn't.
When Silas passed away I didn't think it would ever hurt any less. I wasn't sure I could go on with life. It didn't seem possible. How could I ever do anything ever again? Even routine things like washing dishes or taking a shower seemed pointless. I wanted to feel better though, I wanted to live, I just wasn't sure I could. I looked to grief groups on social media, those for parents who had lost children. I was terrified when I read stories of other parents who had lost children 10 or 15 years ago and were still in the depths of despair. Parents whose lives and boiled down to drinking and staying isolated from the world. Parents who still cried themselves to sleep every night, years after their children were gone. I wanted someone to tell me that it could get better, that life could be good again.
We went to visit my family in California. While there the Pastor's wife approached me at church and asked if she could share with me. Her son had passed away at 2 years old....34 years before! She shared how she had followed Silas' story, and she wanted me to know that I can be OK again. She said it took her a few years, but she did finally get to a place where she was OK again. She still cried occasionally, but not every day, not even most days, in fact, 34 years later, hardly at all. Mostly on his birthday, or holidays. I found this profoundly comforting. She survived 34 years without her son! It gave me hope. She cried a little as she told me her story, but she was also smiling. This also gave me hope. I needed that, I needed to know that it wouldn't always hurt so bad. I needed to know that Silas' death wouldn't overshadow everything for the rest of my life. I didn't want to hurt every time I thought of him.
A big thing I struggled with was praying. Even before Silas passed I found it difficult to pray. If you know me, I hope you know how important my relationship with Jesus is to me. He is my life! When Silas was sick, my prayers were mostly practical and short. "Please heal Silas", "Please help Silas take this medicine". After he died, I didn't know what to say to God. I could feel His presence, but it didn't feel like He was speaking to me at all. Looking back, it was as though He was just holding me and crying with me. I asked why He didn't heal Silas, why he had to die. I didn't get answers, but I have had a deep sense that this was not God's perfect plan, it hurt Him as much or even more than it hurt me for Silas to die the way he did. It took a long time for me to be able to pray again, but God never left me, and now prayer has become a very important part of my life, and I spend time with the Lord in prayer daily.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds will never completely heal in this life, but some healing is possible, and should be sought. The following is a list of things that helped with my healing process.
1. Space. Archie and I immediately wanted to get away for a while. The very next week we went out of town for 4 days. The boys enjoyed the beach and the pool. It was a chance to have no obligations, no chores, just a chance to catch our breaths and cry. Archie and I cried a lot.
2. Grieving alone, together. We realized the importance of allowing each other to grieve in our own ways at our own times. We weren't always sad at the same times, we didn't always cry at the same times, but we allowed each other to grieve whenever we needed to. We didn't feel guilty that we didn't want to cry when the other person was crying, or mad that they weren't crying when we were. Sometimes we just held each other and listened. The first year was hardest for me, the second year was hardest for Archie.
3. Reading. The only book on grief that I read all the way through was "A grief observed" by C.S. Lewis. We got a handful of books on the subject, and I read bits and pieces of each. They did help though, some. If in no other way, that to show me that I was not alone, others had experienced the same feelings I was having.
4. Talking with Christian parents who were further down the grief road than me. In 2016, three years after Silas passed away, I became very depressed. It started in February around the time of his diagnosis anniversary, and continued until after his birthday in June. I felt blindsided by this depression. I was back to crying all the time. I didn't see it coming, after all, it had been 3 years! Things were supposed to be getting better! I reached out to a woman I knew who had lost her infant daughter more than 20 years earlier. She reassured me that 3 years was not that long, my grief was still fresh, and my feelings were normal. She prayed for me as well. This was a great comfort.
5. Being around others who are travelling the same road. We went to grief retreats with other parents who had lost children to cancer, and we went as a family to camp each year with other grieving families. These were places where we could be free to burst into tears at any moment and everyone around totally got it! It was freeing.
6. Letting myself be sad. Instead of beating myself up for being sad when I thought I shouldn't be, I just allowed myself to be sad. I allowed myself to cry, to talk about Silas, to look at pictures and videos of Silas. The first few years this would last for days or sometimes weeks. Then after a while, just days. Now, 7 years later, just minutes or hours, maybe a day here and there. I learned to "lean in" to grief.
7. Grief share. I waited until 5 years had passed before I started going to Grief Share. It is a support program for people dealing with grief. I knew about it even before he passed, but I just wasn't ready at first, and then other things seemed to always be more pressing. 5 years down the road I knew I needed to go. It was really good, I honestly think everyone dealing with grief should go through the course at some point! It is a 2.5 hour session. 30 minutes for dinner that is provided at the beginning, then an hourish video talking about different aspects of grief, followed by an hour session to share and ask questions. There is no pressure to share, but everyone is given the opportunity. It was here that I was told that when grieving a child, most people will take 5-10 years to stabilize or find their footing so to speak. This also was a great relief to hear.
8. Jesus. He has held me through all of this. He has been there when I couldn't pray. He has been there when I wasn't focusing on Him, when I wasn't reading my Bible daily. He never left me. He has loved me through all of this and my relationship with Him has grown stronger than it was before. He has put people in my life to help me heal. He hasn't taken away all of the pain, but He has not let it be wasted. He has used my pain for my good and His glory. I am eternally thankful. What a loving and compassionate God! I couldn't turn away from Him because there is nothing to turn to. In Him is life.
So time doesn't heal all wounds, but it takes time to do the things that heal. There are many ways to grieve, it takes time, you have to lean into it and let it happen. Believe that healing can happen too. Seek it, but give it time, because it takes time, and energy, and effort. It cannot be rushed, but it can happen. I don't think I will be completely healed from this grief, but I am so much better now! I can laugh, I can pray, I can worship, I can be a wife to my husband and a mother to my other three sons. I don't lay in my bed crying all the time anymore and I am so thankful for the healing I have already received! God heals, and someday, He will make whole.
